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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tuesday, December 22, 1981 - disturbing relationships

Linda is very pissed off at me and Simone. Why Simone is a mystery to me. She doesn't want to come to our Christmas dinner, or have Simone help her move to New York. Just the other day she asked Simone to live with her, but without me. She has just called here and wants to talk to me. She has been feeling very jealous the last few days. Her response is to withdraw from me. It started last Saturday night when I wouldn't leave Ann for her. She had a date earlier with someone she describes as very handsome. We had a very wonderful, sensuous time. Just with faces, touching, rubbing, feeling, looking at. She didn't allow it to go below her neck, as usual. She wanted to be with me after it was over.

What it is about the men she picks? They have to fit her idea of handsome. This prejudice eliminates many good people. Further, she wants people who will admire her for superficial things, like the condition of her skin, or praise her body, or the way she dresses. They turn out to be people who use those lines to get women. She liked Dana a lot. But had the same problem of letting go with him. She likes the way he is very athletic in bed, and very romantic. She tells me about an argument they had a few days ago. It seems that Dana claims to have penetrated her when they were in bed last Christmas or New Years, when I called from Austria. Linda denies that it went that far. Probably somewhere in between.

Linda has had a little bit of her talk with me. She is very disturbed at the situation with me and Simone. I think she wanted it to come to an end. A real end. But now its back to almost normal. On the surface, at least. What are you going to do about your couple relationship, she demands. I thought you didn't want that. I thought you were afraid to be alone with Simone? What happened Richard? She thinks I should hold exactly to some position. That things shouldn't change, or at least shouldn't change in the direction they have changed. She's written something for me about her feelings this evening. It was ok, earlier, but she got very upset when Simone came in. She cried a lot while we were gone. Then she wrote. She wants me to read it. I tell her to do it and she will get a lot out of it. I don't want to, she says. I don't want to read, I tell her. She leaves after reading from a page or two of my notes.

But I am disturbed also. What am I going to do about this couple relationship? I can feel it dragging me down again. Simone is starting to make all her little demands on my energy and time. Suddenly, again, it is necessary for me to go many places, and do lots of little things with her. She had resolved to do many things differently in the week or so we didn't see each other. But tonight, like with many other things, she has failed to follow through. A dance class at 5:30. She didn't get to the studio til 6:15. Too late for the warmup and dancing.

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