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Friday, January 4, 2013

The Friedrichshof Chronicles

Found on February 13, 2012, while surfing: A Cheerful "CULT" Grows on Cape Cod Perhaps a precursor to the SD (Selbst Darstellung) and AAO (Actions Analytical Organization), Activationized, the Cape Coders called it.

This is some writing done while living on a commune in Austria. You will see, below, a SHORT description of the place, a LONG description (to be added to later), and the first "chapters". Some of this material is what one might call "sexual" or adult, in nature. You can stop reading now if material of that sort does not interest you.

The writing of the chronicles was done in the late 70s and throughout the 1980s. After each chapter I sometimes add commentary. That was written recently and
is enclosed in brackets []. From time to time other people write comments about the chronicles. I add their remarks and enclose them in braces {}. You are welcome to comment on the chronicles, my comments, and the comments of others. I may add your comments to the text stream. If you don't want your comments added to the text stream, but intend them only for me, then say so and they won't be added.

Please feel free to pass your copy of this on to any INDIVIDUALS you think might be interested. Please do not post it to a mailing list or news group. Some might be offended. Ok, here come the three parts:


In the late 60's a group of people started a commune that eventually became known as Friedrichshof. They were best known for having common property, free sexuality, and the SelbstDarstellung (Self-Presentation, or a form of emotional expression, something like
spontaneous theater, that could be one person, several, or the whole group, and done in the "middle", that is, with everyone sitting or standing around), or SD. This writing was done during the time I lived there and the numerous times I visited.


How and where do you start to explain the largest of human experiences? In this case the building of a new world by a group of people who were living together in several small groups in Vienna,
Austria. What do you do about food, clothing and shelter? How about money, children and sex? How about the relationships between people? How could one manage to build a better society without private property, violence, people owning each other sexually and through marriage? Those
were some of the things they wanted to do. But how can you deal with
the conflicts and problems that seem to rise like the sun each day? For
that they invented something. It was called Selbst-Darstellung, or SD,
for short. It became a daily part of the communities life. Each day,
usually in the evening, the group would gather. They would sit together
in a big, comfortable cirlce, with some people deciding to stand, or to
move around. A person, anyone, could begin by going into the middle of
this circle and... well, doing just about anything. Of course, there
was one condition on this "anything". It was not possible or allowed
for the person in the middle, or whoever was in the middle, to hurt
anyone. You could murder someone in the middle, but it must be in the
form of theater, of acting out the feeling of murder--but no real
murder. Also, you could not bring objects into the middle. You could
create them from your imagination, or in the way a mime creates objects
and convinces you that the object is really there, that it really
exists. You can see that this was necessary because you would not want
someone to drop or throw any object while in the throes of some
emotional state. You could shoot people in the middle. I saw plane
craches in the middle. I saw nuclear weapons detonated in the middle.
I saw bizarre, comical, and horrible sex crimes in the middle. I saw
the future, the past, and every personality in history, in the middle.
Everyone and everything seems to have made an appearance in the middle.
And through this experience, the person in the middle saw themselves
better. They saw everyone else as human beings like themselves. And
the people around the middle saw some great theater, some great
personalities, more unbelieveable things than one could write about or
imagine. It was like seeing the ENTIRE universe run before your eyes
like the mother of all films. It was a film you saw, a film you acted
in, a film you wrote and edited, and never saw a final version of. It
carried you completely away, it brought you back. You went to hell, and
heaven. You went up. You went down. You went away. You came back.
You were here. You were gone. It was a trip to all the trips on all
the drugs that were ever taken--and without taking them. You could
spend a few seconds in the middle--it would seem like forever. You
could spend the evening in the middle--and it was over in a second. You
could do, and see other human beings do things you never imagined you or
they could do. And all the problems you might have with that other
human being would... disappear!

November 25, 1978 Analysis with Brooke

I went to the old schoolhouse for my first analysis with Brooke. I
brought all the tapes from radio & TV interviews in Boston. I was
afraid and wanted to use them as a present so she would not be mad.
There was a ten minute wait. Achim played jazz in the next room.
Others were coming and going and fucking. Normally the sound of fucking
excites and paralizes me but I was more overwhelmed by the idea of
seeing Brooke. I thought she would be mean and jump all over me. She
was very friendly but to me it felt mean. I always imagine that she
will hold up past mistakes, of which she knows many, and beat me with
them. I told her about Sofia Rhedin who wants to sleep with me. It was
a loosening feeling from that. I thought know one would want me. That
I was too awful. Then about my childhood, growing up, my mother. We
talked about everyone wanting love. Brooke said her job was to love
people. She got paid for it. I did not feel loved but was always
waiting for people to prove they loved me. She came over and held me
and said she did but I did not want to believe. I began to cry. What
started it? I can't remember - but maybe, no I don't remember. But it
went on when I related rejecting my mothers trying to help me when in
the hospital having my tonsils out. I was bleeding and she was trying
to help stop it. I would turn from one side to the other to avoid her
helping me. During the evening meal I notice a great anxiety, nauseous
feeling. Then it seems that I have a desparate urge for Brooke, that I
need her to dispel my anxiety attack. During analysis she said I had
many good qualities, intelligence, open, and a good comic sense. But I
did not feel it was so. This and a hopeless feeling is what started my
crying. She also said that I was completely intimidated by this place
and it would get less after a few days. She said I had the ability to
be a great SD artist. I said that was true only in my fantasies - but
there I was even better than Otto. Toward the end her expression became
more friendly - this I told her. She gave me a homework assignment for
tomorrow - to go in the middle tonite for as long as I could stand it,
not to try for anything in particular. Then toward the end she had me
stand up as though I were in the middle. This was paralizing to me.
And only stupid like things happened. Brooke asked what my mother
called me. This caused me to be resistant as I did not like the name
and always insisted that people call me Richard. I said she must not
tell anyone. She then said ok - only Otto. We played this game some
more, then I told her. But first she had to promise to introduce me to
Otto. She agreed. However, I met him inside the entrance to the big
house. Said hi, my name is Richard Gardner. I did not faint or die.
Bill Zwicker always described him as the biggest person here. He is not
the biggest in size. I had a drink of her coffee. She asked if I was
off my health food kick and reminded me how I did not want her and
Schlomo to smoke in my Cambridge apartment, how I seemed to have dropped
the making of continuous wisecracks and jokes - my most obvious defense.

Sunday, November 26, 1978

Last night after I did not go in the middle - again, this got all the
attention as it often has for me in the past. Afterwards the two best
women came to me trying to make something happen. One of them noticed
this and asked, "how is it that you now have two women?" I told them
that I play a stubborn little boy and inside the heart of every woman is
his mother! I did not get beyond saying "women" when they both began to
scold and encourage me. We played this game for awhile when I confessed
my reason for being here. Namely that Otto hired me two years ago to
help develop the guest group. My assignment was to do whatever was
necessary to stay on the bottom and push everyone else up. And all
tricks and ways were ok. Last night how to deal with childhood
sexuality and the parents was the theme. I am reminded of when Cheyenne
was an infant and we played together. I help her like Brooke described
with Otis. I would touch her cunt and she would be very excited. When
she became very excited I would have a very exciting and guilty feeling.
This would stop me from playing more. I would fantasize some about
fucking with her as an infant and then when she was much older. I can't
remember much but some desire and guilty feelings. It made no sense to
do anything then but I often thought - what should I do later? I would
go back and forth between desire and the social no-no. But this is
crazy - to be so concerned about who and whether I will fuck in 15 to 20
years. I do so little about my present desires. I am trying to re-live
my life through her - as my parents did to me. During the evening I had
more anxiety feelings about Brooke. Fear, murderous, crazy feelings
were coming upon me. I felt at times completely separate and then
sometimes like an unconscious part of a larger organism. I feel like a
container filled with so much that I am about to burst. Like a dam with
too much water behind it. Everything is very near the surface and I
frantically try to patch the holes and keep everything together. This
morning I woke early as usual but decided to sleep more. Someone
started to play the piano. I told them later. People were still
sleeping but I was the only one to say anything. Then later some others
started to play. I thought it was to provoke me. I told them to stop
but they did not. Then others said the same and it stopped. I am
thinking about pictures of FH and feeling that I could be anywhere -
even on another planet. I think how each guest seems to be away and
apart from each other. Relating to each other seems like swimming in a
large and mostly empty sea and then sometimes encountering a small
island. I feel myself in a bind about trying to express myself through
writing. On the one hand I try to write it down then on the other I say
"no, that is not what you mean to say." Is what I write true? How can
it be when everything about seems to be so false? Even this I think is
stupid and false. But to say I lie constantly make me only go in
circles. How can I know that my crying is true. I have just realized
that normally I would remember one or more dreams from last night - but
can't. Astrid says that maybe this means I don't want to feel what was
in them.

Lunch, Sunday afternoon, an uncomfortable feeling while sitting with
Brigitte. It was hard to speak with her. I became tense, flushed,
sweat on my forehead. Sofia was there, facing me, one table away. I am
getting a feeling like past feelings of being in love with someone. I
look for them everywhere, I want them all the time. I feel desparate
when she speaks to anyone else. Everything she does makes me anxious.
I become very conscious of wanting to do everything just right - so she
will not be offended, and abandon me. I become nervous and can't sleep
- it is not that bad yet, but my stomach is complaining already. I
think about if I leave she will come with me, or maybe some other
beautiful young women.

Last evenings Pengo theme was remembering. Linda spoke about being a
1967 San Diego beauty contest winner. Then she said how she was leaving
to return to Geneva. Robert then got up to say how he had never felt so
good and bad about leaving to lead the Berlin group. Then he related
how he had first met Otto and decided to join the group. I am sitting
in the guest room and from upstairs comes the sound of desparate piano
and singing, French I think. The were very good last night with their
dancing. Otto had them try many things. Many others got up to remember
their first meeting with Otto. At the end he got up to speak about how
crazy they were at the beginning. How they tried many things, like
short hair and vomiting and propoganda, and how the only thing left from
all those trials and plans was free sexuality - the only thing for which
there was a biological basis. This evening was the most moving for me.
Especially when Brooke spoke as it reminded me of when I first met her,
Schlomo and Otmar. I was very stirred up. There were great
currents/streams moving inside me. We all rose to dance at the end. A
French woman who spoke no English grabbed me and we began a horny dance,
rubbing against each other, grabbing, fondling, kissing, biting. She
kept pulling me toward her. I was excited and horny and afraid. We
could not speak to each other. But we talked a lot - for an hour or so
- games, being perverse, horny, comical. Someone translated that she
thought I was completely "guile" with women and that she would fuck me
now if she were not in quarantine. I became very redfaced at this and
only attracted her all the more. Monday. The guest room house keeper
is mopping and says how she does it with much love as it reminds her of
mother. It is almost 10am Mon Nov 27 and I have my second analysis with
Brooke. I am becoming a nervous wreck. I told Sofia about my fantasy
of going to Sweden to live with her and the group there. She said "I am
going for a long walk" after breakfast. I asked if she wanted me to go.
"Yes." She wants someone very much. She seems desparate. Maybe she
wants to marry and carry me off to Sweden where we will live happily
ever after? Duncan has just told me that she asked him to go with also.

[FH gave regular 10 day and two week courses that people from all over
Europe would attend. You would come on a specific date and a number of
others would be there at the same time. You and the others became a
guest group. You would live together, practice the SD together, eat
together, etc. But mostly learn to live together. Each guest would
also be tested for STD's on their arrival. In a day or two you would
get the results. Guests with anything like Syphillis or gonnorhea would
be sent home--with advice to see a doctor immediately! After taking a
course some guests would ask to stay on at FH and enter a quarantine
prior to formally joining a group. The quarantine would last at least
six weeks. That was the recognized incubation period for syphillis.
You would be tested several times for a variety of things during those
six weeks.]

Monday, November 27, 1978

A second analysis with Brooke. She looks at me for the first 15
minutes. I am very embarrassed and guilty. I tell her about the time
we first met and how I had not felt like that before. It made me cry
again. I tell her about how I feel awful then fantastic then both at
once. My anxiety feelings after the last analysis, how I have been
overwhelmed by nausea, murderous feelings. Then not being there, being
crazy, distant, my fear that the SD leader will call on me when someone
finishes and how I try to make myself invisible. I suck on her breast.
The milk is sweet and warm. My muscles are weak. I want to be
helpless. I tell her about how I wish to be Otis. Then we play a game
about talking back to my mother, calling her names, treating her like
dirt. My fear of standing up is lessened by this game. I make a joke
of her in the swivel chair. Then I degrade her by spitting, covering
her with dirt like a dog would, slapping her around, having her beg for
more. She wanted to see my penis. "Show momma your penis." I was only
a little reluctant and embarrassed at this point. FH is the most
fantastic place in the world. Everything slides without trouble. Later
in the guest room I played with Brigitte. It was stopping and starting.
We could not find the best way. It slides best for the best people. I
am in the SD room and the crazy German woman with 3 or 4 children is
playing the piano.

"du bist mein schnoodle" - Brooke Skopik to Richard Gardner during 2nd
analysis. (You are my cutiepie)

My homework is to run almost to the middle, touch the middle and run
back. Or to go in the middle and say I am very afraid but want to get
over it. Maybe I will try this afternoon. This fear is a big hurdle
for me. Maybe I will wear my new blue overalls, make myself handsome as
possible, and it will be easier. The examples of people doing things
for others here never ceases to amaze me! Another fear is that I will
never go beyond a certain point. I am overcome at the moment by a
completely hopeless feeling that I will not be able to go on. But I do
this to myself. There is no end to opportunity here - more than I have
found anywhere. I am starting to have the fear of afternoon SD
approaching. A heavy feeling, especially in my arms, slight depression.
It is also becoming a general nervousness and anxiety.

I was in the first floor phone booth, intently looking for a number when
Otto opens the door and says "Hey!", then closes it.

I am on my fear again. Brooke was nursing Otis and it persisted. She
says it is completely irrational - which I know. But it persists even
though I say "how can she be a threat to me?" I notice a very tired (or
is it depression?) feeling. Is it Otto. This would happen to me by
Otmar. I have a great desire to go lie down, and sleep. This is how a
bad depression typically happens to me. Brooke gave me homework again
and I failed again. My tensions mounted all during the afternoon. At
the end Toni wanted me to go in. Klaus pushed me several times but I
could not go. Kessy Cavat, who was translating, came over and kissed me
and tried to pull me in but I still would not go. I was very afraid and
shaking and almost crying. Toni wanted me to go but said that if I was
afraid it was not necessary. And so I did not. Afterwards Martine, the
French woman, came and played with me and another also.

The evening was centered around Seigrid who was one of the first and who
did not want to sit down. It turned into an evening about force. Otto
tried to convince her to leave, went into the middle and started a
fight. This didn't work. Other things were to have the largest men go
in and try to block her view of everything. They tried many amusing
things. Terese gave a history lesson about an ancient Saxon King and
his battles. Segrid still tried to take the attention. It was obvious
that she was staying in because she had committed herself. Then Goetz
said he would try pure force and bodily removed her. It took several
attempts. Then other people went in to speak about it and Otto called
in Goetz to take them out. This happened to Terese, Otto, Claudia (who
reacted by becoming very horny). Then it was Schlomo, the biggest
(weight) here. He did it again. I found myself laughing hysterically
but not with the usual distress feelings I have when seeing violence.
It was clear that people like being rough and using force but everyone
was being careful not to hurt. The evening finished with Goetz & Astrid
taking each others clothes off. I was afraid many times that Otto would
call me into the middle. Then we got up to dance and I felt very
inadequate and tried to slink away - but Kessy, a tall, blonde,
beautiful woman from France, grabbed me and said she was horny and
wanted to play but I only became worse and stiffer and even unable to
look at her. I wonder if they are attracted to me or just trying to be
mothers or both. More and more I want to hide or escape. Sofia asked
me to go to Sweden with her again today. I said I wanted to go but only
to escape. And that she should ask tomorrow. I have just spoken to
Michelle about the group she is in with Bodil, Madeline, and Sofia.
Bodil spoke to Otto about what might happen. He said to wait a few
days, maybe they would go back to the guest group - which does not
please them. Two of the women criticize Sofia because she plays &
kisses with me. I notice that these two, Bodil and Madeline avoid
looking at me.

Later Brigitte asked to sleep with me. Nothing happened. We only
wrestled a little. I feel guilty about my past sexual unconsciousness
with Gamalo and others. It stops all the good feelings.

[FH treated the problem of violence in a very unique way. Otto getting
into a "fight" with someone was an unusual thing to witness. There was
never any real force. That is, no hitting as a normal, violent, driven
person might do. He might pretend to box or wring your neck. But
always in a theatrical way combined with the emotional content of such
an act. Seigrid (the crazy German woman with 3 or 4 children) was one
of the few really hard cases where, at times, it became impossible for
her to be moved. She would be, at times, completely insensitive to
anyone else, and would stay in the middle with no intention of being
moved from it. She would not allow herself to be changed by what anyone
said or did around her. But this one time Otto asked a very tall,
large, young man to go in and remove her. It was a test for this guy
too. He knew that HE had to be careful. He knew that Seigrid might
really try to hurt him. In spite of the size difference it took several
tries to remove her without hurting either her, first of all, or
himself, secondly. He finally did it quite well. This may well be the
only time I ever saw anyone actually removed from the middle in this
way. She had been to FH a number of times. Everyone knew her well.
This part of her behavior never seemed to change.]

Tuesday, November 28, 1978

David Griswald went in the middle several times yesterday and each time
I felt embarrassed. It is that he is so stupid and that I see a lot of
my own fantasies about being stupid come out. What happens to him is
exactly what I imagine I will do.

Met Otto while I was going up the stairs he shouted and slapped me on
the back. I cringed. Suddenly he and two other with him became much
bigger. Their looks suddenly became very mean and disapproving. I
fantasize a lot about how Otto will rescue me from my situation. That
he will prove his love for me. That I will not be dropped into the
void. Now I imagine that Otto is the devil leading us astray. He even
has a bit of that look about him.

Otmar will not do analysis with me - there is too much work trying to
finish the new building.

In school we would have discussions about various subjects. I would
often freeze during such times and be unable to think of anything to
say, what I really mean is being unable to say/formulate my thoughts. I
remember well the feeling of this from Mrs. Kuipers English class. I
would be called on but have no ideas and she would demand that I be
prepared in the future. I fantasize about going back and correcting all
such mistakes. I feel very tired right now but not quite my usual
feelings of depression.

Tuesday morning, 11/28/78

A drawing class with Brooke. Sofia was the model. The first time I see
her without clothes. Brooke talks about proportion and form and how to
draw so you can see what's going on with a minimum of effort. My first
attempt as such things. She says a lot in Germ but then says "Work and
be modest" in English, to me.

qu'est ce que c'est?
what is it?

French lesson from Astrid & Brigitte.

The evening began with Otto saying that we were snowed in and their is a
problem - food. Therefore it has been decided that we must turn to
eating people. The guests were most likely to be first. The first
group of the best people, would be spared however, since they would be
best at controlling panic or a revolution. On the other hand it was
possible that our chemists could find another solution. Then Giovanni
came in the middle and refused to leave. He was acting like the woman
last night. Many things were tried. Otto shouted at him, Goetz tried
to carry him out but he became violent. The women all went to him with
praise and love. He wants to stay here but Otto said not like he was.
A lot of aggression came out of him. Afterwards Teresa described a new
kind of analysis that had been developed. It was because people were
having a difficult time going beyond their limits. There was more but I
will probably get it for real next time I have analysis with Brooke.
Our Bok meeting was very chaotic. Giovanni was being his usual
obnoxious self besides being drunk. Goetz wanted to do a hierarchy and
all the worst people said how it was not necessary or how they were for
democracy or how they wanted to be last or how they did not want to be
the leader. So we had chaos for 1/2 hour. Two new guests did not want
to participate and stayed in their beds. 20 minutes was spent deciding
who would sleep with who then after huggings and kissings - to bed. I
just now notice how I write less about myself and more about outside
events. I am against a wall and can go no further. Maybe the new type
of analysis will push me. More fantasies about how I will get out of it
and go in the middle. And now one about how I will sell each of my
businesses and give the money to the group. Each time a larger amount.

[Giovanni was absolutely the most aggressive guy I ever met on FH. He
had been around for several years by my time there. It was always the
same with him. He would return and be not so bad for a bit. Then,
slowly, becoming more aggressive, especially with the women. Eventually
there was not a one of them who wanted to sleep with him because of
this. Everybody tried to convince him to leave. He was constantly told
he had to leave. He was given a very hard job working on construction
of the new houses as a brick carrier, and anything else that was
physically very demanding. They thought this might sap him of some
energy, leave him less aggressive. Nah! It seemed like a bottomless
well with this guy. Finally he was made to pack up his things and leave
some months after my arrival. Then he came back again. Stayed a bit
more. Left. Returned a couple of more times. Then no more was heard
of him for several years. One last story of him back in his native
Italy, was that he was arrested and imprisoned for theft. But the
patience and tolerance of this guy was really phenomenal. Everyone put
up with so much for many years. It was one thing very different about
FH--the way in which his aggression was handled.]

Wednesday, November 29, 1978

3rd analysis with Brooke. How do I explain myself? There is no excuse
except what I make up. Brooke says I have no existential courage.
Today I showed it. Always hoping she will do something to help me. Do
it for me. Show she likes me. She was very hard today. Telling me how
stupid, what an idiot, figure in a wax museum, hero of silence with my
own statue. I notice a fear of going anywhere to avoid finding nothing
beyond. That I will really be nothing. I imagine being able to
overcome all my problems quickly - when/once I make the first big jump.
That what I do will be of interest to everyone. But now I feel that
nothing I do is ok, everything is wrong. I imagine myself to be the
guest group leader once I've gone in the middle. Now a fantasy about
watching a prostitute work. It is holding back what I know to be there
that keeps more from coming out

Today at lunch Britt (Wencke's sister) talked with me for a long time,
about our analysts, mothers, others. She asked me if I was in
quarantine and to go play the piano with her. I seem to go dead at such
times. Always afraid of making a mistake. What is her interest in me?
Why does she want me. Outside I would have a definite reaction one way
or the other. But here I am always skeptical. Now my fantasies about
Brooke carry me away. The theme for the evening was why are we the way
we are, i.e., why is the AAO the way it is. Otto talked about how we
were a sect that casts its net about for victims. How he was our guru
how everyone was their only for him. How the women came only for him.
Someone spoke about the origin of the word. Sect - to seek a new way of

Sofia stays with Vincent now as he has agreed to go to Sweden with her.
She has shaved his beard and cut his long hair. He now looks the
respectable busiman. But now it looks as though she won't be going.
The Swedish group tells her to stay here.

We had sauna today. I went in six times. My eyes turn green again.
Goetz was very afraid. I growled and snarled at him. He thinks green
eyes mean I am very aggressive.

[AAO (Actions Analytical Organization) was the original name the group
created for itself. They started out around 1970 or so doing a
variation of Reichian character armor analysis on each other. Then they
added a kind of political/social action/event to the analysis. Some of
them were held in very public places. The group became famous and
notorious for some of them. A sort of milder, toned down version of
these "actions" eventually reached the United States and became known as
"happenings". One of the fans of this kind of event, Alex Gray, held
one at Harvard University in the 1970's. He and his wife, while
completely naked, and inside a glass exhibit case, had sex, while an
audience watched. It may have been at the Peabody Museum. My first
contact with the AAO was in 1975. It came in the mail. All in German.
I remember the picture of a pile of naked, crying, screaming humans.
Must have been 25 people all in a big heap.]

Thursday, November 30, 1978

Fourth analysis with Brooke. I am too depressed to write about it. It
is 5pm and I've just placed a call to the US. Am feeling better as the
afternoon SD is over. And I was slightly in the middle for about 5
seconds. Today with Brooke was just the opposite of yesterday. She was
very good to me, pulling me onto her bed hugging and kissing. I got an
erection when my crotch was rubbed. Then she whispered, "stick it in"
and other nasty stuff. I was like jelly and all my feelings, but a
little embarassment, went away. I could not believe she would really
want me. I told her about the other women who were interested in me and
how it seemed impossible for me to believe this and how all feelings but
nervousness seemed to disappear. She was dressing Otis when I came in.
This reminded me of caring for Cheyenne when she was this age. I cried
a little. Described the end of my relationship with Adele. "How
tragic", she said. I told of my continued longing for Adele. Brooke
suggested I write her a letter and have her come here for a vacation. I
am waiting again for a call to the US. Deanna is probably on the
computer. I lie here getting carried away every few minutes with my
fantasies. Again. No present satisfaction so I create some in my head.
Again. I lie here watching Astrid and Jacque make something. Brooke
swore and promised me fidelity if I would do the same. I said I would
think about it. True love is a myth. You only have it for different
moments - just like other feelings. My depression is a little less. We
made a little game of our true love. But I could see that it would
never work for me. I would have to lie to myself and swallow the urge
to say many things - or risk ending the love. I swim away again.
Thinking about longings. Sofia told me she longed to go skiing. She
talks to me in a way that makes me think she wants something. This time
its money. She asks about my going to Sweden with her, again. She
wants to ski in West Austria. Just finished my call to Deanna. Things
seem to be going well. Not much money the first week. But things seem
to be ok now. The cafe Pengo has been enlarged. I hear we will have a
disco before long. I have been here almost exactly one week. The
changes are like the tide. Everyday new people, reorganization,
shifting of people and material things. New construction. It is like a
whole year on the outside. I just now see Sofia getting in bed with
another man, but can't tell who it is. A bit of jealousy.

The evening started with a story about the death of a parent. So this became a theme. Later in the evening I was overwhelmed by thoughts of my own death. Homosexuality was another theme. Queerness is the inability to compete with or be direct as you can with persons of the same sex. I noticed how over the last week I have had more intense feelings about men (Klaus, Peter, Michael, Otto) than women (Brooke, Sofia, Britt, Astrid).

[Myself and several other people had tried to start a group in Boston. I and various combinations had tried a number of times. Nothing came of those efforts. Two people left for FH in the summer of 1978. By late November of that year I was on the way.]


Thursday, January 3, 2013


Sammlung Friedrichshof

From November 1978, through February 1990, I lived at the Friedrichshof Commune as an active participant and frequent visiter.

I've published a memoir that includes some of my time living on Friedrichshof. You can buy an e-version of that book for 99 cents here:

A Memoir About Art & Sex During the Regan Years

Here are some additional links to stories about the commune:

The price of free love It was set up as an antidote to materialism and sexual repression, but the world's most famous sex commune soon degenerated into a money-obsessed personality cult. Its leader was jailed for having sex with underage girls, yet the movement still survives.

Otto Muehl

Theo Altenber

From the Leopold Museum website

two stories

These two stories are about early copies of a memoir sent to an aunt and my mother.

Some years ago I sent early copies of the memoir to my mother and
aunt Rosemary. So after some time I call Rosemary, my father's
youngest sister, who is just a few years older than me. She got it
maybe late morning and sat down to read. About 3pm the kids came
home from school and asked her, What's to eat? She pointed to the
kitchen and went back to reading. Three hours later the husband
gets home from work and asks, What's to eat? She pointed to the
kitchen and went back to reading. She finished later that evening.
She liked it, or enjoyed it, or... something.

A second copy went to my mother. So I call her after a couple of
weeks to be sure she got it and had a chance to read it. I call and
ask if she got it. Yes. So what did you think, I asked. I burned it,
she replied. We never talked about it again.

The memoir can be read (10-20 pages) here:

Gardner vs. Rothman

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