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Friday, December 20, 2013

Thursday, December 31, 1981 - this is the end my friend

Today is the last day of the year and I've no grand conclusions about it. Not that I haven't been thinking about it today. More than the usual share of things are happening today. Or is it that this is true of every day? More than average happens every day. And I've not a thing to say about it. Filled at the moment with anxiety about what to write next. Its like being in a car speeding toward a blind intersection, with no certainty that traffic from different directions will stop. I wanted to sit here and write something brilliant about the last year. A year in which I've managed more things for myself, especially in terms of writing than ever before. But to be honest, and this occurs to me just a moment after writing the previous sentence, that is not true if calculated with expectations I have of myself. At this moment, I again think of giving up the whole thing. I think ahead to the next year and the prospect of writing at least a page a day. The notebook for the new year sits there all ready and able. I need only wait till after midnight.

The Katy case concerns me again. Simone has been out with them. Katy has walked off again and disappeared. Simone calls for advice. That's why I wanted you to come with me, she says. Another excuse to get me going in her direction. To do what she wants of me. I planned to go out with them, Simone, Katy, and DAniel, earlier. But then lost all desire. Simone wouldn't allow this. An hour and a half tantrum. It was something to watch. She didn't want to go too far off her rocker, probably for fear of what Daniel might pass back to his parents. He has told Simone about his desire to come and live with us. He had to fight his parents and pay his way to get here. But Katy is still missing. Simone thinks she has wandered off with two 16 year old drunks. Why? She can control people like this. They will do what she wants in return for sexual favors. With us she feels out of control. She wants more attention than she's getting. Again, much like Simone when she was younger.

She's back. In a taxi. Simone called to say she'd be home soon also. Now I think about the reckoning we will have to do. Is this anyway to end the year? So much for my pretensions. Goodbye 1981. Several of us watch the new year come in on TV. Me, Linda, Nadine, and Katy.

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