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Sunday, November 17, 2013

Wednesday, December 9, 1981 - what really happened

Monday morning, Linda calls me to borrow a pair of shoes for Mark Levy. He has locked himself out of the apartment downstairs. His shoes are inside. He didn't want to ask me directly. So, I tell her, first he wants my woman, then he wants my shoes. Well, I continue, tell him that my underwear is the bottom line. And no more! He has told her to leave me. Can't you see how he's just using you, and doesn't really love you, he informs her.

More about Simone's most recent assault. I realize how my own interpretation of the event gets confused after talking to Nadine. I had, in my confusion, described the situation as one where I was trying to flee the apartment, and Simone was trying to hold me in. In reality, she was trying to throw me out, and I was trying to stay inside. After threats of murder, stabbing, calling the police, and miscellaneous mayhem, she left and went to Linda's.

Do you know what Richard wrote in his notes, she cries to them on walking in the door. He wants me to have a VD test every month. Linda and Lotti both ask me about contraception. I understand you still aren't using anything and taking equal responsibility for it, she says. I get pissed off at this and remind her that she is talking about an ideal world where everyone has equal rights. My own experience tells me that men and women don't have equal right or responsibilities when it comes to children. Women may want men to take equal responsibility for contraception and abortion costs, but nobody jumped up and down to help me get the right to see my daughter. So I get carried away with it. Lotti is now under the impression that I won't let Simone use contraceptives. Is it true, she asks.

Simone calls me from Braintree. She has had an accident. A scrape with the guardrail. She almost passed out again, and vomited. She told me about staying with Jack last night. Didn't want to tell me where at first. Then she disclosed that it was to protect Lotti from getting hurt. This afternoon she says they didn't fuck as Jack was too afraid of the complications. Jack is also in on protecting Lotti. She and I may a great little play, and have enormous fun with it. She still sees Simone as a matchmaker. Jack won't really let go and have an affair with her until she leaves me. She's covering her ass about someone to take care of her. Just in case it doesn't work out with me. Who wouldn't do the same? I see it all the time.

Simone learns more interesting stuff about Dana. He really wants to have an affair with Simone, but not as long as I'm with her. His lock went on last August. Simone didn't notice it till a few days ago. I asked him about his impression of my opening the door and looking in without knocking. My memory is that I've never done that. He admits its possible.

Judy tells me she notices that these assaults and physical interactions with Simone seem to be more frequent. It seems that way to me also.

I stayed with Linda last night. It was hard for me to fall asleep. Some fear of Simone showing up. Some of fear of the attack. Asking Linda about it prompts her to remind me of her father. He was always threatening to kill someone, or throw them out of the house. This kept her awake many nights. She still has some of this in her. Touching her at night causes her to react very strongly. As though she were having a bad dream. Her body will suddenly jerk or convulse. She will gasp for breath.

Sometimes I see that each of us is like an iceberg to the others. We only get to see a little bit from the top of each of us. We show and hide as we see fit, to whomever we see fit to do so. Only some larger number of people get to see what each of us is really like.

Nadine, Lotti, and Linda thought my idea for regular VD tests was a good idea. They may even participate.

A call from Lesley College yesterday to come in for an interview for a job in their computer science department. Simone must be a little jealous.

Michael called the house for Simone about 1 minute after she left. I told her about the attack on me. He could identify with it as she's done the same to him many times. This afternoon I learned from Dana that she's done the same to him. He tells Simone, but not me that Constance is having some sort of very hard time at the moment, but he can't talk about it or won't.

A long talk this afternoon with Dana and Simone. About the whole situation and what we will do. I want to talk to a lawyer and find out what sort of problems I will have if she really does call the police. My reputation with them is not too good. I need to cover my ass. She's astounded at this reaction. Everything seems to be almost ok with her. She speaks about moving to another place with Jack, but doesn't really want to do that. About moving into a big house with more people, but feels we have to have a solid base for doing that, and its not there yet. She wants to have some sort of group meeting where we talk about everything that's going on. She wants me to respond in a certain way when she's feeling bad. I get some examples of kissing or hugging her when she asks. But this seems completely phony and contrived. But its real to her as that's how she and Michael did it. To me it would be faking. I feel false enough now in much of my behavior. It doesn't make sense to practice being false directly. To do something for which I have no feeling. More, but we had to end as she had a client coming for therapy. We will try talking with more people this Friday evening. I have volunteered to get a tape recorder. We can give copies to people who might like to know about hot it went. But did not want to attend.

There will be a new VD clinic at the Cambridge Hospital, every Tuesday, from 4 to 6pm, beginning on December 15. The guy at the desk asks me if I have a practice. No, I inform him, its for my own use. Do I imagine the people in the waiting room to be staring at me after this little conversation?

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