The Cambridge Chronicles

I am home alone tonight. Linda made a date with me yesterday. Simone made a date with Steve. He called to cancel it. She made another with Ken. Linda does not want to see me again. She does not want to work for me again. Its an incredibly stupid reason. Yesterday she broke down and cried a lot. She was very jealous of Simone and her ability to attract people. It had been very hard for her for some days. She spent a lot of time arguing with me about our relationship. How it was hopeless and would never work out. Very hard. Then the breakdown. She cried and cried and said everything that was making her feel bad. It was much better. We made dates for Tuesday and Thursday. She came back to my office about eleven this evening with Sten. I didn't know where she was. Pepper was there. She was pissed about my class. I taught the first section this evening. She and Simone were both invited to come. Just yesterday we had talked about how bad she felt about being excluded from the Friday and Sunday night dinners. She didn't want to be excluded. She wanted the chance to say yes or no to everything that was going on. I thought this was right and told Simone how I wouldn't participate in anything she was going to exclude, or try to have Linda excluded from. So for some twisted reason she is totally pissed at the possibility that she and Simone might end up in my classroom on the same night. Simone had earlier told me she would leave the room if Linda showed up. So I am here alone tonight. Its not terrible, but does not feel good. This black and white, apocalyptic approach to relationships is exactly why she has not been able to stay with anyone. At this moment I say to myself, this time she will have to recover the situation herself. Its not said with any sort of feeling of resentment, but that she has to try to overcome this thing in herself. This has happened almost a dozen times between us in the last 1 and a half years. I feel discouraged and exhausted.

Simone was on the phone, in the office, when Linda gave me her final ultimatum. Barbara Levy, who she was so close to, who loves her so much, has called to cancel her visit for this weekend. Simone had the impression that Barbara was glad Simone would not be going to Amherst for psychosynthesis training. It had to do with the trainer Jerry. Simone could not come out and say what she thought was obvious. I told her it sounded like many paths, and what happened to her there. The people all had this attitude and manner of loving each other. But in reality there were all sorts of things hidden under the surface. Like Simone seeing through Barbara, but not daring to say how she really felt. And this false love and liking they have for each other will go on. I see this same thing in Linda. She is feeling strong right now. But its false. She is trying to use it to take control of the situation. She feels in control of her life for the moment. It won't last. It didn't before. And Simone's love affair with Barbara will end when the truth about her and Jerry and Simone comes out. They are both attracted to him but could never stand each other if he were to start something with them. Its not unlike what has happened between Linda and Simone. Their true feelings come out when they are jostling for me. At the moment Simone is ahead. She is a harder and nastier fighter. Neither of them is yet able to see that its in their best interest to share me. To really learn to share me. And that's not really the best word. To learn that it is really possible for both of them to have a good relationship with me. To learn that if one of them, Linda in particular, has more of me, that Simone is not getting less. I know that having a good relationship with both of them makes more for me, makes more out of me. It literally creates more of me. I can feel this. Anything less makes me feel like shrinking.

The phone rang a couple of hours ago. I said hello. No answer. Talk to me, I said. How about a little heavy breathing? Whoever it is gives me some. How about a little mucous contact? I don't get any. The breathing gets louder. Boring, I says. It goes on. At first I imagine it to be Linda. But after breathing for awhile, it seems to be Edwin. Everybody here, Joe, Jack, Dana, has a little listen. But they don't know who it is. We never find out. After some time I hang up. They don't call back.

Quite a time with Simone last night. We must have been up till 4am or so. It was a wrestling match, pillow, water, belt, and a few other things fight. We have this thing where she tries to push me off the bed. It has never worked. She can't do it. So I roll her onto the floor. It works every time. I'm much stronger. But she comes back each time, madder each time, more determined each time, and I roll her onto the floor again. Then comes the pillow fight. She starts it and I respond. The same again. I bash her more often with the pillow than she gets me. Water. She gets a glass. I have the sprayer. It shoots clear across a room. I get her every time. She gets a little water on me. She tries the umbrella, then the raincoat. I spray around, under, over and everywhere. Next she takes the belt to me. Not too hard to get it away and start whacking back. Next day Dana tells her how we kept him up till all hours. He stayed up till 5am reading. He thought about coming in to save her from me. Only in my youth did I do such things, he explains.

The last week has been very hard and exhausting on me. Both Linda and Simone put lots of pressure on me for time, money, attention, affection, love, and every fear and anxiety gets dumped on me. They accuse me of favoring the other. I give the other more credit, or think the other is better, I care about the other more, or that I always compare one to the other. They each think they are getting less and that the other is getting more. They accuse me of rejecting them for the other. They are each afraid I will leave them for the other one. They both have fears that are so remarkably alike. They both respond to the other in such similar ways. I see both of them as being hard, but in different ways. And, on top of this, money problems. Nothing in the mail again today. But in two weeks I will have about $750 from my teaching job.