The Cambridge Chronicles

Today I noticed my depression coming out in an unusual way. It was concentrated mostly around my eyes, just under them. Shaped like little bags tied to each side of the eye and pulled down hard. A little bit of burning sensation. Normally I get it in my whole body. Its everywhere. Its depression but coming out in a quite different way for me. Also, I am very nervous. I taught my second class this evening. It, on top of everything else, has made me very nervous. The old asshole is starting to talk to me by blowing these tiny little bubbles around the edge. I've been feeling them for the last week. A sure sign of tension. I've been thinking about calling Adele again. That always makes me nervous. Not having contact with Linda, while Simone has made arrangements for three nights in a row. Hardly any money has come to my business. The only big thing I look forward to is a big check for teaching. Yesterday Dana was telling me how Simone was expressing, indirectly, her pleasure at Linda having rejected me. She was seeing it as an opportunity to kick me in the balls for having the nerve to have a relationship with another woman. She tried to hide her pleasure over it from me.

But I am only getting frustrated again. Maybe Sten is right. Maybe I should just get my own apartment. He tells me Linda and he slept together after she rejected me. But nothing happened. He had his clothes on all night. Part of the same pattern with her. She uses sex to manipulate men. Not having sex, but with the promise of sometime in the future. I know of four relationships with this going on. Tom and Debbie, Roberta and Gordon, Beth and Phil, and today, Michael and Constance. I suspect its from the woman, except maybe with Roberta. They are all what Simone calls once-a-weekers.

This is shit. I can't say it right. At the moment I don't know what I'm talking about. Something is there. Its not very clear. Maybe if I write the same thing over again, with different words, it will come out better. Now I think, what a waste of time. There are plenty more things to write about. Things I've avoided for two weeks. There all on little notes in my pocket. I think Simone must be getting them out and reading them every day. Maybe every few days.

Jack continues to be pissed off at me. Its not clear to Dana or Simone. They aren't sure exactly what it is. I hear about it only from Simone. Little does he know that the very people he is blessing with his revelations are talking about him behind his back. Simone and Dana notice little things about his behavior and say nothing to him. Its usually me. That's what started it off to begin with. He now thinks Simone should leave me. She, as usual, goes right along with whatever he says as a way of getting his support. I noticed how the same thing said to him by Simone is accepted graciously. But from me, instantly, caused a harsh reaction. I don't like to be told what's to be done, he informs me. He has decided to stay. Dana takes credit for getting him to do this. Jack has fallen in love with Dana. I notice how Jack is very attentive to everything Dana says. Dana has hit the nail right on the head, he informs us at one point. Tonight this has to be talked about.

Simone has left me a note about not fixing dinner. I have the honor of supporting her, doing the household chores, helping start her business, support and encourage her other relationships, and I get to help myself. Sometimes she has no idea what support means. In spite of being able to attract many people she is unable to support them in a meaningful way. I haven't said this well. She wants to support me, but in the way that is best for me and her, is impossible for her. I was thinking of the situation with Michael today. How there are not the kinds of tensions that exist with Simone and Linda. He has gotten more and more relaxed about being here. His biggest fear now probably has to do with Constance discovering he's been here, or suspecting it. Its still not right. This will be her third night out. She continues to complain about not being able to get things done. Too much socializing. Complaints about not having a job. Today her therapist tells her she doesn't get a job so she can stay home with me. I had the thought that it was to be able to keep an eye on me. I think that's why she's really taking my course at MIT. She'll make some sort of obvious move to put the kibosh on my trying to make it with Miss P. The rantings of a paranoid man, you say? Could be. What other paranoids have I had lately? Can that be all? Sitting here trying to think of some more. I've got them. They come and go like clouds of scent in the air. They are sensed one moment and are gone with the next breath.

I get the stuff out of my back pocket. Time to tackle some of those little notes. Separate the business stuff from the notes. First thing is a note about how Simone read in a psychology book about how men without fathers try to find women to dominate. I must tell her how I'm still looking for that sort. No luck so far with what I've managed to scrounge up. Ken asked me about how I saw him. Some notes about Mr Kool. I do this too, but his is more sophisticated and worldly. That I have never managed. He holds back his feelings until someone else describes such a thing. This happened several times with me. I'd say something about myself and then he would respond in a like manner. Its possible to evoke est-like responses from him. You only have to say something negative about yourself. Up pops his est-planation of how it doesn't have to be that way. This is a fun one to try with him. He is more than interested in my notes. Simone tells me of seeing a copy at his house that was marked up and underlined all over the place. Perhaps he is a secret editor for Random House? Throw that one away. But I haven't said anything about recent developments with him. He's falling in love with Simone. Stu had a talk with him the other day and attempted to recruit him into the get-Simone-to-leave-Richard army. Its growing every day. It seems as though hardly a day passes that someone new doesn't sign up. Its almost an unconscious way Simone has of covering herself if it does really happen. Meantime, she has trouble being with me because of that fear. She has yet to really let go sexually because of this fear. Ellen's father has paid $100 so she can go to a big political dinner and meet a man.

I am just now realizing how good it feels to get all these things out of me. An amazing sense of relief. I don't have to keep these things inside me. Its going faster and faster. My third and a half page already. The depression bags under my eyes are shrinking. The rest of my body is relaxing. Shaking the shoulders. I will have to do this more often. Its therapeutic.

Simone has admitted to me the other day that the intense nature of our relationship chases people away. She has fought me about this for over a year. Now she finally sees that its true. She always wanted to attribute it to my being jealous of her having more relationships.

Linda calls me late one night from her job in Belmont. You're the daddy, she tells me. You take care of everyone and see that they get what they need. This is hard to say, she confesses, but you are the most interesting and influential person in my life. It was hard for her but made me feel very good. It was like a warm wave washing over me.

Michael visited the other afternoon. He had to make two calls to Constance. Not clear what for. She seemed to be mad at him. Later, he and Simone go to the square and return via Inman Street. It seems Simone didn't want any of the men she is interested in, who live on our street, to see her with Michael. She wants them to think she only has a relationship with me. They will be more likely to think there is a chance for them. Another time, when Michael was coming over, we are on my bed doing something, when Dana, in his room, says hello to Michael out the window. She wants to get up immediately so Michael won't see her being loving to me. She never avoids such gestures when they are directed to Michael, and I'm around. Today she avoided any physical contact with me when she and Michael left the house. I have just realized how she has done the same thing in the past.

There's a little note here to write about the progress I've noticed in other people, but no names of hints as to who. Yes, some have made a little progress. I notice how Jack started playing his recorder more. He's been working on some programs for this computer. But he did himself in, and stopped playing as much, when I suggested he get together with Gene and play at tomorrow's open house.

Simone challenged me the other day to write a make-up/love letter to Steve for her. Sten had an idea about trying to write something from the point of view of the other person. End of the little piece of paper. Throw it away.

These things are like little emotional or psychological debts. There are four of them left. 3 by 5 cards. Nothing significant. I pick them up, thumb through them, turn them over, put them down, go back to typing. Resistance. Somehow I do not want to write about what is on those little cards. But something else wants to. Pounding the typewriter. Literally. Not working away on the keys. Next note.

A talk with Tom the other day. He tries to tell me how he has talked it over with Debbie. Him having relationships with other women. I think he has only convinced himself that he's done this talking. Its enough of a basis to go ahead. He still wants an affair with Simone. He is sexually frustrated with Debbie. She is the sort to use her sexuality as a weapon against him, and ultimately herself. He will end up just like his father. Michael is another one I see this happening to. He has a philandering father also. He has taken a woman who will be an exciting dish washer, diaper changer, and floor washer, but not much else. Steady. Reliable. A person who will do their duty and always be there.

Simone wrote me a check the other day. It was for $10.86. The memo at the bottom said WW III. I don't remember what the money was for. Something about the defense of our cuntry.

Simone had the idea at one time to call Linda about making her a birthday cake. Nothing came of it. A good idea. The right and best kind of idea. Just the sort of thing people need to do for each other. Not the cake, but the thought of wanting to do things for other people. The sort of things that will make people love you.

A new idea about my notes. Video notes. Using video to record my spontaneous exposition of the things I write. But with many more dimensions than one can get down on paper. I think about all the gestures, tones of voice, expressions of the face, and other parts of the body. How it is difficult to put in things like enthusiasm, surprise, happiness, love, hatred, depression, excitement, fear, anxiety, and everything one can feel. And how its easier for me to start saying something over. Its harder to rewrite it. I don't like erasing things. Its ok when its only one character or a word or two. It would allow me to see more of myself. I'm not sure I could stand to watch it, though. Its impossible for me to even read these notes again.

Beth Eischen has read my notes and like them very much. She thinks I should write a novel. She notices how I am an observer, participant, and reflector of what I write about, and what's going on. That she sees me taking all three of the parts and moving back and forth between them.

Do I want to write anything about my fantasy of making a videotape, with me as the hero, of a Cambridge version of Raiders of the Lost Ark? No. Just that I had it, according to the date on this note, around August 4th, last month. Have I been carrying this stuff around that long? Unbelievable! Throw that one away. There are some little things on it, but so what.

Simone and I had dinner at Roberta's the other night. Later Simone tells me how she finds her boring, dead in her relationship with Gordon. They want us to go to a baseball game with them. Oyvey! How completely boring. A young girl was there. Maybe eight or nine. Roberta saw her as someone who got lots of attention. But she was constantly acting out with people. Trying to get the attention of everyone. She is very aggressive with me. Wants my attention but doesn't want it. She is afraid of me at the same time. But it is easy for me to get her to do things. Another man comes into the room and absorbs all her frantic kicking, no complaints.

Simone has just come back from the movies with Ken. She tells me about the latest with Ellen. Seems she met a psychiatrist on the beach at Revere. He's a good fuck and she's decided to marry him. Two days is a quick decision. She's not coming to the open house tomorrow as she will be fucking with an old high school classmate. She reminds me of Kathy, who has recently given up on men. Again. She finds them to be superficial, worthless, and real shits. She goes back and forth between falling completely for one, and never wanting anything to do with them again. She came to my course tonight and enjoyed it very much. Nora called Simone today. She wouldn't say anything about how things were going with Ted. She would only say something vague about how she was getting used to it.

Stu has had a crash with his new true love. She's left him. He calls Simone to get her sympathetic ear. He knows what will get her. Its a little lesson for Simone. Why did this happen, I ask her. For one, he did it to get even with you. Second, he jumped into the whole thing, living together, after knowing her for only two weeks.

Nancie is pregnant. She wants to know what I think of this. I tell her. It seems to me to be a way for her to tie down her relationship with Bob. A way to do away with her doubts. As a future mother, she can't do anything else. She will have to go through with it. I don't think she has such good communication with Bob. It seems that many things with them are not out in the open. One being that Bob has been talking to Simone about his fantasies. He wants to sleep with her and has told her a number of times. I am quite sure Simone has not told this to Nancie. I sometimes think about telling her this. But they are both under the illusion that they have a good communication. Its not so. Simone thinks the same of Nancie's situation with Bob, but hasn't said it. She leaves it to me. And so Nancie now thinks me judgmental and opinionated. So I am. But not behind her back. And Simone is that with her. All the time thinking they talk about everything. I learn that Bob is uncomfortable with me but is not able to say anything directly to me. Nancie again wants Simone to leave me before the wedding. She wants Simone to start a relationship with her friend Michael-three-cars. I did not go to the wedding shower a few days ago. It is very frustrating for me to be in this position with Nancie and Bob. I like them well enough. They are good company, interesting people, who I could get some useful contacts from. But they seem unable to talk to me. They seem to be afraid of what I might say. They have some anxieties of I don't know what. Projection. That's what it is. Projection. Bullshit. How superficial. They don't want to hear what I've said. They want everything to work out. They want to live happily ever after. They are afraid it won't. Nancie is using her friend Michael to get Simone away from me. She tells him only about my sexual affair with Linda. Jeff comes as a complete surprise to him. Wait till she learns about Stu, Ken, Michael, Steve, George, etc. Nancie apparently uses me as an example against Bob. How Simone and I have more open communications, or something like that. The exact reason or way is not clear. She has been very straightforward with Simone about how she sees our relationship. Simone doesn't like what she has to say, but I agree with her. That makes Simone even madder.

The Officer Zabbo event is waiting there on my table, on a card. But I don't want to write about it. It happened something like two months ago. A fight between me and Simone. I withdraw to the office. She tries to get in through the window. I keep her from opening it. Someone calls the police. They trash me. One more time, he says, and I'm going to arrest you, have you evicted, and put in jail for three years. Its as though I'm being punished for keeping a criminal out of my house. They ask Simone about filing a complaint against me. She acts appropriately spaced and innocent. She denies that anything is going on. They notice the bruises on her legs and arms. From falling down when she faints. They see me as a wife beater. Later, one of them asks Simone to go out with him. A few days later still another asks her out. You don't have to be with that kind of man, they tell her. Simone doesn't want to see how she's played this. She plays the perfect innocent woman who's been taken advantage of by a mean man. I go to the police station to complain about the officer threatening me. And call several friends who I know are involved in city politics. They tell me not to worry. These guys see this sort of thing all the time. Don't take it so serious, they say.

Last week Keith showed up to visit Simone. Does Richard still masturbate everyday, he inquires. He was not expected. He and Simone go out for awhile. A few moments later Judy calls me. She's lonely and wants to go out with me. We go to a movie. Lenny Bruce, with Dustin Hoffman. On the way back to the car she asks, Is Simone going to sleep with that guy Keith tonight? Well, you can just imagine what I would do with that. My immediate reaction is - she's really asking if I will stay with her. I've put the question to others, and they see it the same. But I've just go to push on it. I get a bit obnoxious. And continue to insist. The makes her only madder. She takes me home. We sit outside the house. I try to recover from my stupid blunder. She's right. I do get obnoxious about things like this. Even if its true. Then, without warning, she saves the night. Leave me alone tonight, she blurts out. Ah ha! So, there really is a chance for me. She realizes she has stuck her foot in her mouth with that one. I have a great time with it. One can say those four words at least a hundred way. She got at least half of them from me. We have a good time with it. I get to hug and kiss her. She lets go a little bit. Things are much better. We part. I am at least in good spirits. I don't really know what's really going on for her. Perhaps she really did want to have me stay with her that night. She felt offended about my observation of her behavior and couldn't get herself out of being defensive. Something went wrong for me and I ended up pushing on her.

Simone has just come from her room to tell me that Ken has fallen asleep and is snoring. But I am doubtful of this. She feels very awkward. She comments about being in a house with lots of men. How can she feel anything but awkward? She knows in some way that people are not getting what they need. It may feel good to have lots of men around, but it won't be good when they get frustrated and go elsewhere for what they need. I told her about how she contributed to this situation. She turned it around and thought I wanted her to start some sort of computerized dating service. Its simpler than that. We know lots of horny, frustrated, unsatisfied people. They all have their little petty, silly prejudices that keep them from accepting each other. She could use what she has with people to show them how its possible to overcome such things. But she doesn't. Its more work than being the center of attention. But everybody wants attention. Keeping it all for oneself is shortsighted. Others will only feel compelled to go elsewhere and attract the same sort of slavish attention that she gets. Most will not do nearly so well. This is what has happened to Linda. She envies Simone's following. But is too proud to learn from her. She is proud to settle for anything less than the same. So she gets nothing. Or she will get a continuous string of short affairs that leave her feeling nauseous. And she will say, so proudly, how she can attract any man she wants. But she can't keep any of them.

Simone has told me she's put more than one tampax in her vagina again. It was three this time before she noticed anything odd. She doesn't want me to write about this. Or how she does these very quick deep knee bends as a way of making the air rush over her cunt. She does it at odd moments. When I see her do this she looks at me very sheepishly.

Finished with those little cards at last. I rip the last two in pieces and throw them in the trash.

More people have called to say they won't be coming to the open house. There is something odd about the way Simone tells me this. Its almost as though she's glad they won't come. They all have their little excuses. But at bottom its because they aren't getting something. They aren't getting what they really need. Dream therapy is not enough. I am reminded of my recent idea about cargo cults and modern therapies that have been extracted from primitive cultures. But that will have to wait for tomorrow.