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Monday, October 14, 2013

Thursday, October 8, 1981 - he's taller and handsomer

Did you have sex with Jeannette or Jean today? I had sex twice with Ken, Simone informs me in her childlike, strained tone of voice. She has been drinking, is nervous, and throws her arms around me like a desperate child. And me, I feel like a competitor who has just finished second. But it doesn't last. Not even worth joking about.

I visited Jeannette at the daycare center today, and showed her the reference letter for her court appearance tomorrow. She was nervous to see me. Couldn't sit down or still. Especially to sit next to me. She only lets me hold and squeeze her for a moment, and bounds up to pace around. I guess you are the only decent guy I know anymore, she suddenly informs me. Last night, being nervous, she tried to contact Vinnie. He had been telling her that tonight he would be moving furniture with his brother. He told her this very explicitly at least twice. On calling Vinnie's brother she learns that this is not so. She bicycles over to his place. You can't come in now, he exclaims. Someone else was with him, it turns out. They have been in this situation all along. Jeannette has gone out with many other men. She knows he does this also. But for her, this was the first time she has been directly confronted with the feeling of being rejected because of another woman. She wants to do nasty things. Well at least give me money for a cab home, she demands. On taking out his money she grabs it all. $92, more than enough for a cab home. She's put it in an envelope and wants me to deliver it. A very clever way of getting back at him with a cheap shot. He will most likely think I am seeing her again. She gets off without having to do any of the things he will imagine we are doing. It reminds me of Judy. A boyfriend informed her father he might be moving away from Boston. That night she asks me to sleep with her. We just slept together. I was awake most of the night, horny as shit. She did it to get back at him. So I took the money to Vinnie. He recognized me, but I left immediately. So, what to do about Jeannette? Certainly I will call her about the Friday court appearance. I have thought a lot about what she is doing in her life. I wonder a lot about how she is able to be so open about things that happen to her, how she feels, her ideas and thoughts, and on the other hand so carefully avoid any intimate contact with me. Hugging her today suddenly turned her into a spring. Up she jumped! Up and running, practically, around the room. Quite a sight. I'm stuck here. I've never felt so close and so far away from someone. It seems that this kind of behavior, such opposites must create some sort of internal difficulties. I still want to sleep with her. But I can't seem to get a real yes or no. She thinks about it. I sit here pulling my hair out. Enough of this Jeannette.

I have been meaning to write about Jean for several days. She was flattered by what I wrote several days ago. We had one of our secret little meetings in Harvard Square again today. All the time, walking around, a bit paranoid about meeting someone I know. Nobody in particular. Just the idea of meeting someone who might what, I don't know? We talked a lot about Leo. She can't tell him. She wants to keep it a secret from him. Why don't you and Simone come over for dinner sometime, she suggests. No, forget it, she concludes. It would be very awkward for everyone but Leo to know what's really going on. She has to drink a bit to get in a mood for doing things like this. Not all the time, but sometimes it helps her. She is from a Catholic family and often feels guilty about what she does. How did she explain it to me? Something about being in a state where its possible for someone to take advantage of her. She thinks she might have to be that way for me. But its her who decides to get in that state. Ok, I tell her, I'll take advantage of you either way, drunk or sober. She knows I want to. She's beginning to draw back a little after reading more of my notes. She wonders what will happen. Have I got it all planned out? Of course not, she realizes. How I wish it were easy enough to plan out. I can say what my ideas and fantasies are at any given moment, but it has never happened that way. I'm not really in control here. I have noticed that she is a little chubbier than when we first met. She was wearing bluejeans then. The last few times a skirt, from her job. She tells me I'm a handsome man - in my own way, but that my personality makes me more than just a handsome face. I notice myself trying to make a joke about it. She almost called me last Monday night. It would have been too much. She had a fight with Leo. They didn't sleep together. She was a bit drunk that night. He didn't come home till late. Leo has all these ideas about becoming a rich man at an early age. He will probably spend his entire life trying to become either rich or richer. And probably not really doing the things he wants to do after getting rich. Who knows for sure. But she does talk a lot about his being away from home a lot. Lonely. Maybe its time used to think about being with someone else. I sense a desire, at times, to try something else. Its not come out directly. But maybe later. Six children in her family. Four girls and two boys. Her father is a professor at a Connecticut university. We may meet again tomorrow afternoon. She's been busy, something with her job, on most evenings this week. Its not usually that way, she assures me. A good idea from her - she will come over sometime and draw while I write. A nice idea. It makes me feel good that she thinks of such things. It makes me feel even more desirous of her. I tease her about a sweater she sees in a window and wants. Why not ask about the price, I suggest. Maybe I'll buy it for you, I say. She won't let me go back. I pull her back again. She resists. I pull her back again. And back and forth. Tomorrow I'll find out what it costs. She thinks it may be as much as $60. We meet someone from her work in the subway. A black man who is always asking her out for drinks. He's from Barbados. We pretend to not notice him at first, then to be shaking hands. I kiss my little fantasy, and she is gone into the bowels of the MBTA. Sigh. Until tomorrow. Such a romantic asshole I am. Enough of this silly writing. Time to say something serious about something.

Important developments for both Simone and Linda in the last few days. Linda has realized, for the first time, how she acts just like her father. He becomes very paranoid at first. Then comes the rough stuff, threats, violence. She has become afraid of Nadine's influence on her. Nadine is too much like all the things in Brooklyn that she doesn't like in herself. They came out very much in Nadine, or so Linda feels. Her solution is to imagine them getting even worse, then to act on the fantasies. Namely, to kick Nadine out of the apartment. She doesn't even want to give her a months notice, but does it anyway. She breaks down enough to ask Sten to help the two of them work on it. She has come to see it as her problem, and not Nadine. Simone's realization has come about by taking her religious training seriously. That is, to really live by all the fine words that one hears in a church. Forgiving and forgetting. Loving and accepting. She went to dinner with Linda last night. Fuck you, she snaps, Linda and I are going out to dinner with just each other. She sees that it doesn't make much sense to go to church and talk about all the fine things written in religious books if she can't do these things in real life. And Linda is one example of her contradictory behavior. I am a bit lost trying to find something as significant in myself. There are not even any possible candidates. Maybe just that I haven't gone crazy from all these things yet. Maybe that I keep trying.

More funny things with this Ken fellow. Now he wants Simone to leave me. You are always trying Simone, he tells her. But he's such a nothing. He has been reading my notes over again. But still nothing directly from him. Simone says he was wearing underwear today. Carol was at his house today and go pissed at seeing a copy of my notes there.

I am not able to write in a way that satisfies me. Something is said but nothing is being revealed. It seems like a lot of little scattered, chaotic, dim pictures. What is the big picture? I had an idea today and lost it.

Simone says Carol came by today looking for me. She wanted to spend some time with me. Simone tells me how Carol has criticized her in a way very much like I might. Michael accused Simone of being like me today. What a popular fellow I am becoming. Everyone seems to believing, hating, or mimicking me. Its so nice to have attention! Its so nice to have attention! Its so nice to have people talk about me! Its so nice to be the cause of everything! I almost have the urge to write a song about it. Something in the style of My Fair Lady, or Doctor Dolittle, perhaps. A parody of the Talk To The Animals song that someone sang last night at the Ding Ho.

Dana talked to me at length about his new woman friend, Linda, this morning. He is thinking of showing her some of my notes. But he didn't want me to write anything about the things he was about to tell me. I must tell, and did so right then, that he will have to be the censor. So he doesn't tell me some things about her for husband. She is 34 and a school teacher. She is very attractive. He wanted to stay with her last night. But she was anxious about what her daughter might think. Its just something she got from her parents. She will end up passing it on to her daughter, Dana tells her. But in the end he comes home. Maybe another time. I have suggested that she bring the daughter over this Friday and Saturday. She's to be staying here for two nights and a day. Exactly why does he want to show her my notes? I suspect its so he won't have to tell her some difficult things about himself. He indicates that there just might be something to my idea. He seems to go for a long time where I only hear real things about him from Simone. Then, for some hours he will reveal a lot about himself. Its been this way since we have lived here. A few days ago, during the Monday night fights, he even suggested to Simone that she leave me and get a place with him. He's becoming more bold. But not enough to be able to handle Simone alone. Boy, would he be sorry!

Simone's friend Nancy Anandi is not on the critical list. She called here today to say she was home and well. The baby's heartbeat has been found. It was a mistake at the hospital. Two people with the same last name.

Jeff and George have been talking about Simone. George dropped over to visit him the other day. They both agreed that Simone should leave me. George confronted Jeff on his relationship with Simone and hoe he hanging onto things from six years ago. Jeff wants Simone to go see Herb Pearce with him. She has agreed to do this once. But Herb has the idea to turn it into couples therapy. He says it would be more interesting for him.

I have just realized something about Linda. Simone tells me sha has said she's not interested in reading my notes anymore. Then I realize how she always says one thing to me and quite often the opposite to Simone. Recently she's told Simone that she wants a monogamous relationship with me. But just the other day told me, again, that she wants to live with me and other people. I have noticed this quality a lot in people. Saying things that seem to be so contradictory. I think what she tells Simone is often the truth and she says things she thinks I want to hear when with me. But there are clearly times when the things for me are also true. Like most people, lots of ambiguous feelings. Such strong contrasts. Perhaps part of it is also to keep Simone off guard. I can imagine her having a subconscious urge to disinform.

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