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Thursday, October 10, 2013

Thursday, October 1, 1981 - faithfully married AND non-monogamous

Wednesday, 10:51am. A dream. I am in a fancy pastry/cookie shop with Linda. You have to order something and wait for it to be made. We are there waiting. and looking at things to buy. Adele comes in. I do a double-take and whisper to Linda, did you see who just came in? She says some name I never heard before. She and I go to one side of the shop. We sit down. She starts moving away from me. It gets harder and harder to whisper to her about Adele being there. I don't remember any more. Suddenly the phone rings. Its Linda. She has called to ask me to come over and see her. We make an appointment for 12:30. She is having a very hard time. After stomping on me for my behavior of two weeks ago, she breaks down and cries. I realize that I am in love with you, that you are my best friend, that most everyone is boring compared to you, and that I missed you very much, she tells me. She didn't think I would respond to her call. But she has thought that all the other times she's ended our relationship. In the past it was always me who did this. I have told her what a big step this is for her. Even when the jealous feelings are very strong, they can't win out over the positive feelings she has for me. We slept together last night. It was surprising how little sexual resistance she had towards me. There was none. Let's fuck, I said. Ok, let me do this first, she says. It was that simple. It was the first time we'd done it without rubbers in a long time. We both like to watch the prick go in and out of the cunt. It was very wet and noisy. She has two orgasms in a very short time. She even prepared something so we could fuck in the morning if the opportunity rose. It didn't. She has, sometimes in the morning, and very strong this morning, something like waking nightmares. Her body shakes, she sobs lightly, as though running away from something. The feeling she has, as told to me, is one of being very lonely and afraid. I watched her do this for most of an hour this morning. Holding and touching her helped only a little till she woke up. She'd fall asleep again and it would start over.

Simone has started to come apart again over Linda and I starting up again. She makes many underhanded and nasty comments about me and her. Are you going to try and seduce her tonight, she snaps. It is most evident in her voice. Most everything she says to me, even about totally unrelated things, is distorted by her inner anxiety. She has started thinking more about leaving me and living with Jeff. In exchange for freedom and security with me, she wants no freedom and insecurity. She is standing here and saying how I never write anything good about her. What did you say, I ask in a moderately stern voice. She responds with a couple of off the subject things. I ask again, but with a softer voice. She admits to me that its not true. Sometimes you do write positive things about me, she admits. I didn't mean never. So why did you say that, I ask. Because sometimes I can't put aside my little black book used to keep track of everything you do. I still haven't forgotten how you said you wanted me to be run over by a car. I can't forget it, even if you have put it away, she admits.

Today we got into a fight about fights. I don't want to fight, she yells at me. Snarl, snarl, snap, so who's fighting, I protest. And so it goes, back and forth.

Some guy who goes to my class has fallen in love with her. He wants to fuck her, and has said as much. Simone doesn't want to do this if he keeps his wife, of two weeks, in the dark. Monogamy is such a wonderful things, he tells her at one point. Somehow what he is doing is lost in his brain. She won't do anything unless he tells his wife. Today he made a date with her, where she will have breakfast at his place, Simone, him, and his wife. I have the feeling that his wife might turn out to not be there when Simone shows up for breakfast. I am skeptical that he has really told her what might actually go on. His behavior is so typically male, that I suspect he is scheming about how to carry this thing off. Its hard to imagine that he has suddenly become truly open about what he wants to his wife. But perhaps this is just jealousy or paranoia on my part. But I can't put it out of my mind. His honesty with his wife has been too sudden. I think something more is going on. Three of the men in my class asked her out. Ed, with the wife, thought I was her brother. Boy, was he surprised. I notice he made their date for Tuesday morning, before the next class. Perhaps there is nothing to it.

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