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Sunday, October 27, 2013

Thursday, December 3, 1981 - other writers as filler

I am starting to get anxious about my resolution to write a page each day. It seems I'm always just a little bit behind. Late afternoon. I've just started for this day. Fear of running out of material. Why does this feeling happen? It is as though I'm afraid of not having much going on in my life. I know some of it has to do with that. Another thing is that getting all the past events into writing is important to me. I feel nervous about something that gets left out. Everything is important. There is some guilt. Why do I panic about not writing and leaving something out? I am anxious about getting to my class tonight, about typing while Dana has his group here, about not being able to write a page today, about remembering what happened today, about all the things I've put off doing, all the things that I feel some guilt for not having done. Its ridiculous.

Sten did not show up for the meeting with me and Simone last night. He got cold feet. I spoke with him. He hemmed and hawed a bit. A lot of resistance to doing it. He had lots of work. Maybe afraid he can't do it. Maybe he thinks it useless. I offered to pay him. Maybe he will run a plain, simple, SD group some evening for us. He goes away in two weeks, to Virginia on business, then to Europe for some indefinite amount of time.

I read some of Lotti's writing last night for the first time. From a notebook she left in the office. She was there when I started reading aloud. She tried to get it away from me. I began to exaggerate the words and phrases. It became very funny to her. It was a serious letter to John. She couldn't take it seriously the way I was reading it. She enjoyed it a great deal. It was fun for me. It gave her some new insights.

I have a date with Ann tonight. She called earlier today and said she was very unhappy about my changing from Wednesday to Thursday night. It was not obvious at the time to me. I told her first that it was Simone's wish. She readily agreed. After thinking about it she decided it had to do with my not wanting to be with her. It seems to me that this is a way that people can learn to accommodate each other. Another time I might have a date with Simone and she will call to have me change it in her favor. She thought for awhile that it might have had something to do with Simone playing tricks with me and her. Not so, I assure her. Simone is putting her head in some sort of trap with Stu and Ken tonight. She may end up having dates with both of them.

Simone has just brought me a quote. It made her think of my writing. Its by William Wordsworth: To me alone there came a thought of grief. A timely utterance gave that thought relief, and I again am strong.

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