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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sunday, October 11, 1981 - alone can make you crazy

A feeling of going crazy. It started with intense ruminations and thinking about Simone and Linda. I imagined her giving me a hard time tonight about going to see her. Worked myself into a frenzy about it. On getting out of the shower I discover the two of them are talking on the phone. She has apparently called here. Then paranoia. I notice myself thinking all these things. I feel a little bit crazy. I notice myself getting a little bit crazy. It makes me feel a little bit more crazy. I notice this. Then come some berserk and murderous feelings. All this while Simone is on the phone with Linda. I was taking a shower when she called. It seemed like someone else.

She has changed her mind about me coming over tonight. I want to get some sleep and up early to work on my art she explains. I don't believe this and tell her so. She is saying just the opposite of what she wants. She told Simone first. Then me. Simone takes it at face value. But most likely realizes its not so. A man's behavior, in a similar situation, would be transparent to her. Dana says that Linda is just not capable of being really honest with Simone. Its much easier for her to tell me, or much harder for her to lie. Linda often tells Simone just the opposite of what she really feels. The truth about things would probably make her feel vulnerable. So she will say one thing to me and something completely different to Simone. I get there and she blames me for not being able to work on her art. She talking to Simone. I leave the house only to hear Simone say she will call Linda about her change of mind. There is rancor in her voice. I tell her that making trouble will cost something. She takes it to heart as it comes out ok. Linda is not offended by it. We are miles apart. A very distant feeling. No real contact. I am awake many times during the night. Linda is having some sort of bad dreams. She breathes very hard. Tries to cry out in her sleep, is very restless. She shakes in an odd sort of way. Almost like being cold. This happened more when I first knew her. Simone also did this, but for her it almost never happens now.

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