The Cambridge Chronicles

We are on Simone's bed. Hugging and kissing. I try to turn her over to give her a spanking for some reason. Dana tells us Michael is outside and wants to get in. Simone suddenly wants me not to be on top of her. I don't want him to see us like this, she tells me. Its difficult to resist telling her how she always wants to be sure that I won't reject her when Linda is around. That I will be affectionate, hug, and kiss her. She wants me to stop doing the very thing she wants when the situation is reversed. This feeling is familiar. It is there for me when I'm with both of them. If one of them is about to leave, that one will give me a kiss and hug before going. It is not hard to imagine what goes on inside the other. Why do people get so distressed at others having pleasure?

Simone tells me that she has made a decision to leave me within a year. Is has come out of her recent therapy experience. Also, the result of continued pressure from her friends and family. I'll give you plenty of warning, she consoles me. She seems to have this constant pressure to make definite, absolute, clear, unambiguous decisions. Why not with me? It also has to do with Jerry. He is the male psychosynthesis trainer. She has become quite enamored of him. He is the type she falls for. He has all these superficial qualities that initially attract her to a man. He gives the impression of having his act together. But from the description of her time with him, Barbara, and her, it seems he has little of anything but a very good act. Not unlike most accomplished therapists. I am amused, and a little anxious, to hear of this. She has resolved to leave a number of other times. I have done the same. Sometimes I can't stand it anymore. Last time I was ready to call her parents and brother and tell them. I had asked Linda about living with her. But it went away. This time its different. Its not so much based on her feelings as it is the idea that she has to make a decision. Of this I have little fear. It would be very hard if she left from bad feelings. From this reason, that she has to start making decisions, I can only laugh. It will be something to make continual fun of. She has such a hard time being hard. It is one of her most positive qualities. She has not been able to really cut anyone off. At least not anyone who has a spark of softness in them. I notice this more in myself. Its very difficult to hold one of these emotionally hard positions. It drifts around. It can't be pinned down. I can't make myself stick to it. The very fact that she has decided to leave in the future tells me this decision is not based on feeling.