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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Saturday, October 10, 1981 - dastardly plans foiled

Thursday night. A fantasy. I am in bed with Simone. She is sucking on my prick. A nuclear Blast. The force and shock causes her to bite off my prick. We are buried in the rubble. Years later, maybe centuries, we are discovered as just skeletons, but she still has my prick in her mouth.

Another fantasy, about the three women whose names begins with J. I imagine that I manage to seduce them all this weekend, while Simone is in Amherst. Jean, Jeannette, and Judy. Jeannette was to visit me for lunch at noon today. She didn't call or show. Judy wasn't at home, or didn't answer my message. Jean has turned around on me. How ironic a fantasy.

Jean me me today at the post office, our favorite meeting place at four. She was obviously upset. It came out of her with difficulty. She does not want to have a physical relationship with me. Well, I may have thought of it once, but it was nothing more, really, she explained. She has talked with Leo again. I don't know much about exactly what. She tells him about the sweater she wanted, and that I offered to buy her. Be careful of what he wants from you in return, he warns. And some number of other hints that seem to say he's putting some pressure on her. But most of all is what her manner reminds me of. It is like I have women describe men. I mean she is evasive, doesn't really want to talk about, tells me to stop bringing it up, just like men treat women who are talking about something that bothers them. And I know she has these same communications difficulties with Leo. They are of a slightly different sort. He doesn't want to think about the everyday problems that people have. His idea of life seems to be that one works for success and they go away. She tells me more about the pressure from him. I didn't dress warm enough. Leo tells me I shouldn't be so cold. I like lots of blankets when I sleep. He says it has something to do with wearing too many clothes. And then there is her loneliness. She has mentioned it every day we've been together. I should learn to get used to it, she tells me. Leo will be going away a lot, and I will have to learn to be alone. She wonders if I will still love her after this. If I will love her if she doesn't sleep with me. You know the answer, I say. You won't love me as much, she concludes. Right. You have decided to cut yourself off from me, and it just won't be possible. Making up such an indirect explanation for her doing this makes it even less likely. Better for her to have just said that it was too hard. On the other hand she is very young. This is a completely new thing for her. I have immersed her in quite a lot. And she did make a big step for such a little amount of time. No small thing to ask Leo if he still wants to marry her and have an open relationship. While I feel the distance has increased between us, she did not refuse physical contact with me. She kissed me goodbye. But not like the other times. It was more perfunctory.

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