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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Saturday, December 5, 1981 - a Mormon massage

I have had a cold these last few days. Thursday it made me cranky. Fighting with everyone - and unable to see myself doing this. Lotti pointed out how insensitive I was being with people. Growling at her and Simone about money. They keep making computational errors related to how much money they should get for working. Anxieties about writing and leaving something important out. I still have something of this fever. Its a strange illness for me. The cold came a couple of days after Linda told me about moving to NYC. She has since changed her mind back and forth.

My mother called me today. Something wrong with her foot. An operation has put her on crutches. No snowmobiling this year, she laments. What about Cheyenne she inquires. The latest news about Adele talking to me. Maybe she wants to get married, she proposes. Plenty of chances for that, I assure her. But she obviously hasn't done it. Maybe she waiting for you to ask her, she says. Doubt it, says I. Some people are like that and are willing to committ themselves to waiting for their whole life, she says. Maybe she's just waiting for you to make up your mind, she adds. The conversation gets a little tense at this point so she shifts to the weather. Carl has moved back to Cody and bought himself a gas station. Ken sold his station and works for an oil company. Ann's husband is going to be working in Las Vegas doing massage. He will go there 4 days a week and be home 3. The kids still don't like him. Its peculiar with this guy. He supposedly quit a carpentry job because some of the workers were swearing. He's also a Mormon. But here he's going to be doing massage in Las Vegas, and away from home. Something doesn't fit right here.

Talked to Judy a few days ago about her job. She's depressed with the situation where it may be over in January, and all this week outsiders have been evaluating the situation. Somehow she likes one of my pictures from the Social Art Works show. New York Times Swimsuit Ad, is the one. You can have it, I tell her. She's very pleased. And by the way, I add, how about an affair with me this weekend? Simone will be away for several days. Do you think about it, I ask. Yes, sometimes, she says. What would Simone do if I did? Would she hit me, or throw anything at me? Or, worse, make a scene? Yes, I tell her, but she's getting a lot better. She and Linda are in a position to be the best friends the other has ever had. Its a situation where nothing bigger, or more emotionally threatening, is likely to happen. When you have to face jealousy, competition, rejection, the need for love, and other things every day, you are dealing with the most important things in your life. She has had what she called loving, caring, deep relationships before. They turned out to be superficial when confronted with jealousy and competition. With Linda she is facing, and overcoming, those things. Things that ruined past situations. I sit her thinking about how to describe this new development. Its not clear how to do that or if its really happening, or a temporary state. She actually questions wether or not she wants to deal with these things. How is it possible to live any sort of reasonable life without tackling questions like that? She thinks of moving out in the Spring, or getting another place with Jack and Dana, and not me. She fantasizes about living with one or another of her easily conjured up romantics. She has second thoughts about living with me and Linda. But she is still here. She continues to try. She discovers that Linda, Ann, and Judy are not so bad. A phone call from her latest therapy weekend leads me to believe she doesn't think I'm so bad. Judy noted, after reading much of my recent writing, that I stress mostly the negative and unhappy parts of things with Simone.

Judy and I visited the Children's Museum last Saturday. She wanted to spend the afternoon with me and decided to go there. Standing around, waiting for her to come back from the bathroom, I notice a number of very attractive women. I find myself feeling not satisfied with what I've got, namely, Simone, Linda, Ann, and Judy. Imagining someone else would be a better deal. I wouldn't have all the problems I have with them.

Starpeople fantasies. An old fantasy is that I'm not really human. Aliens left me in the hospital with my 'mother' as a ruse. At times this seemed to be the only way of explaining my feelings of not belonging.

Last Saturday again: Simone tells me Carol will be coming over for dinner. I begin to feel paranoid. Sten was to meet with just her and me. Now she wants an ally. She protested about having other people there just the other day. She went to a tea leaf reader with Carol today. Throw him out, the reader tells her, he's a homosexual. Stu calls late at night with a crisis. He's threatening suicide. He's broken up with Laurie. She was too demanding, and rejected him for not giving what she wanted. But you rejected me, Simone reminds him. No, he replies, its because you took Richard over me. I must say how this is really crazy of him. Simone did not reject him. He rejected her because she wouldn't reject me. He wants her to treat me that way, but not him. When will people ever learn not to reject each other? When will they learn they must accept people in order to be accepted? Everyone is so stupid in this way. I see it over and over again with all the people I know.

A visit from Tom last Tuesday. He is a case. After his men's group meeting we meet at Ryles for a drink. Me, Simone, Tom, and Joe. He wants me to join this group. I tell him about my search for a human group. That's what I'd join. He's having trouble with Debbie again. Simone told him how he only seems to contact her when things are bad. He hung up. Debbie won't fuck with him. He's horny. He still thinks about having an affair with Simone. He very hyper, relaxed, and loose, but not really. With him its a bit practiced, phony. He is a manic-depressive type. His enthusiasm and energy is superficial and shallow.

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