The Cambridge Chronicles

A very peculiar feeling today. Something like when the sound and/or picture disappears from a television. You don't get a message saying temporary difficulties. It seemed like a very quick blackout. With a slow fade. I could feel something happening inside me. It was frightening. Just prior to that I'd been thinking about success. It seems that my market survey indicates my idea for a seminar may be very profitable. But there is something so crippled inside me that I panic at the idea of doing well. I feel a sort of paralysis come over me. Then this funny blackout feeling. A bit dizzy and out of it. Sometimes it seems that I'm imagining these things and others times that something is not working quite right inside. It is also a question of my getting older. I worry about it a lot. But on the other hand, I've had feelings like this since my early 20's.

Simone tells me an interesting story about a visit to her therapist today. It seems she now sees us as a perfect couple and will be presenting a paper at some conference about our relationship. I find it to be a bit silly as she knows about me only from Simone. Perhaps I should send her a copy of my notes. But the best thing is that Simone discovered some things about herself. She slept with Dana the other day. The thing I like about you Dana, she tells him, is that you don't pressure me to have sex. She told me this while non-verbally bringing up our time together last night. She is constantly pressuring me to have sex. She is always planning sex for me. She is always telling me when it is going to happen. She did not realize till today just what a drag it is to have something like sex foisted on her. The other big discovery was about freedom. And how she gets it from me, but would be afraid of a relationship with Jeff, or Stu, or any number of others, because they couldn't allow her to have it. It would be too threatening to them. Ron, who is leaving for Colorado in a few days, took a parting shot at me and told her not to marry me. You can do better than him. I think he can be added to the list of all the others who would like to be that better one he imagines to be out there. The guy, whoever he is, has failed to make is appearance. God knows he had plenty of chances. But somehow he keeps holding back. Perhaps he will show up at Nancie's wedding. I won't be going, and the worst he will have to contend with is Jeff. Maybe he will make his move then. Or how about several weekends hence when she will be at Grossingers in the Catskills. But that's not so good as he will be contending with a lot of other very fast men.

Simone visits her family alone over the weekend. Visits a number of old friends and has Marijuana flashbacks. Maybe I could live here in New Haven, she thinks to herself. Talk about bad trips! Loris is close to delivering her baby. She's mad at me for not visiting, or at least sending her a copy of the notes about Cheyenne's delivery. I will have to get at those notes soon. I would like to have a copy to send to Adele in a few days.