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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Monday, October 12, 1981 - veil of tears

I am feeling terrible. Its been building up the last few days. A bad class last Tuesday evening, impotence with Simone, Jean, Jeannette, the hearing I have to attend tomorrow. Only my being blamed by Jack, Dana, and Simone cheers me up. Its so exciting to have people imagine you are the cause of their problems. It makes me feel important and needed. Without me they would be desperately searching for someone else. Richard the lightening rod.

Jack is the first one. I come into the house and say something about him and Dana eating with me if they haven't already. Reading a newspaper. He comes in and fills the air with tension. Its very measured and careful and difficult for him. He finds my manner offensive. It seems as though I only ask questions and give him advice or criticism. He can't stand this. He yells at me, no, not quite yells, but raises his voice from frustration. He doesn't think I'm getting it. Incredible tension. It seems he might jump up and hit me at any moment. He tries to be very earnest and serious. Too much so. I seem very mechanical and like a machine to him. He gets no positive feeling from me. I think he is very confused. Very unsure of himself. Afraid, jealous, and envious of me. He wants some of the things I have, or seem to have. He sees me acting out a father figure, but seems to have little awareness of how much of it is his own projection onto me.

Dana comes into it near the end when I mention how people sometimes sabotage the efforts of others. You mean like the way you always upset Simone when she has something important to do, he interjects impatiently. Yes, I say, but at the moment don't remind him of how she originally blamed him for everything going wrong. She has just shifted to me. In the beginning he was important to her being able to do things. She came to see him as a hinderance at one point, and realized she could probably do everything by herself. I eventually did many of the things necessary for starting her business. Gradually I started doing less and less and put the responsibility back on her. Now I try to do almost nothing. She reads this and tells me how she and Dana never got into arguments before leading a group. I tell her she has a bad memory. She and Dana never did this much before. They couldn't because of all the fighting they did. I remember criticizing both of them for their mutually antagonistic behavior. It was at this time that I became Dana's good friend, as he used to call me. He didn't like Simone to criticize me. I would jump on Simone when I thought she was pressuring him, or had unrealistic expectations of him. It was always done with both of them there. He seemed to be very impressed with this ability to be fair and avoid taking sides. Never can experience your own faults, she snaps back nervously.

So, after Dana gets started on me, who should walk in, Simone, back from her therapy weekend in Amherst. I get a lecture from her. Its my fault again. My not being a success is because of you, she confidently informs me. This is unacceptable to me, and will have to end, she assures me. More false confidence from Wacko Therapy. She tells me about how Barbara and Jerry are very distant and cold to her. But not once does it seem to come up during the formal therapy. More and more I am convinced that all these therapies accomplish only one thing. That is, that people learn how to be more deceptive with each other, how to avoid deep things, and how to argue your case with antagonists, how to convince others of their responsibility for your problems. Simone is certainly getting better at this. She is more and more turning to leaving me as a way of solving these problems. What a surprise she will have once the excitement of making a decision wears off. People seldom realize that the decision one make is unimportant. What's important is being able to make these decisions. It seem to me they mostly make the wrong decisions, but get an enormous burst of energy from having done something. Ending relationships is the real biggy. I have yet to find anyone who honestly sees themselves as responsible for staying in and ruining a relationship. Lottie has recently experienced this. John has his little clique of friends who completely support him and see Lottie as the crazy one. Lottie has isolated herself and doesn't have the same for herself. Jeannette spent three hours telling me how bad Vinnie was to her. How he's so superficial and is only using her. How he and his friends rejected her when she was down and out and needed some help. She's the same sort of character herself. She calls me only when there's trouble. She only wants me when there's something to be done. She complains about his failure to communicate. But with me she is the same way. She avoids talking about anything of substance in her relationship with me. She stopped sleeping with me when I got more involved with Simone. But she doesn't want to talk about that.

Simone got a call from Ken. She has gone to spend some time with him at the Arboretum. She is very excited as he has a surprise for her. I will be back in 2 hours, she informs me. This I am skeptical of. She won't be able to cut off a good time. She may feel guilty, but won't stop it so suddenly. He is going to quit set in order to have more time with her. Stu did this for about 2 months, then went back to his old ways.

There is something wrong with this writing. I am getting no relief from doing it. Certainly it is going fast enough. I'm typing along at a mile a minute here. But it seems I've said something other than what's going on. The face is hot, the hands cold, the body nervous and uncertain.

Simone has created another of her unconscious melodramas in order to get her way. She did not come back as planned. She wanted me to wait. I didn't. She states a drama to get Linda to give up the idea of me fucking with her. She tries to disguise it as sincere concern and love. As really acting from her heart. It smells like bullshit to me. More of her old double standard. She claims to be competent to criticize me, yet in the same breath demands that I have work for her to do. She is not capable of finding her own. She wants to force me into a limited role for her security, and to finance her freedom. A dramatic veil of tears hides everything else. How could anyone doubt such an open person and sincere tears?

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