The Cambridge Chronicles

I stayed with Ann last night. She thought we might be babysitting with Liz's child, Christian. But she was there. Liz has some sort of idea about how I am resisting her approaching me. And that it has something to do with Ann's relationship with me. Its confusing. She is very uptight, very rigid, cold, and hard. She hungup on me in mid sentence during a phone conversation the other day. Ann wanted to know what orgasms were like for Simone and Linda. Hers seem to be evenly distributed. That is, she feels fairly intense pleasure most of the time but doesn't seem to have what she would all a real orgasm. With Linda it is very well defined. They can't be mistaken for anything else. They couldn't be faked. Her whole body is taken over with intense pleasure and convulsions. Not large or violent, just intense. The whole surface of her body turns more red. Then surrender. She, Ann, seems to want them, but holds back just at the edge.

A dream about Judy last night. I am on a bicycle built for two with someone, perhaps Linda. We are riding around, and in, a house, at the same time. We go by a window and Judy is inside. She is sitting in a large, reclining chair. The TV is on. She's doing some sort of paper work, or maybe reading a newspaper, and half watching the TV. Then we are in bed, me and Judy. Hardly anything has a chance to happen when we are suddenly not alone. There seems to be someone else in bed with us. Its a kid. But he's very energetic, and not quite normal. He's like a miniature adult, but has both child and adult characteristics. Then the whole family seems to have come into the room. The end.

A lot of suicidal people around recently. Jane has been calling Simone the last few days threatening to do herself in if Simone doesn't live with her. A new roommate has just moved out. She annoyed when Simone points out to her how people seem to just move out after leaving notes. They never say anything to her. They just leave or maybe write a not that they are leaving. Joe had it a few weeks ago. Stu, Peg, and even Simone, about a week ago. Ann felt it a few days ago. I imagine there must be something more to say about this. I don't know what. This feeling seems to be accompanied by the urge to do someone else in at the same time. Peg said she wanted to ram her car into Joe's if she was in the neighborhood. She called me to say she was quitting. She can't stand being in the neighborhood. Stu want to do Ken, and me, in. Simone tries to knock me off when she's feeling that way. I notice it in myself. Frustration with myself or someone. Then I get these murderous urges. Sometimes even thinking that things would be better if I killed someone.

Dana has been acting most peculiar lately. First it was building a trapdoor into the basement. He would fix up a little room down there. Soundproof it, insulate it, and use it to hide from the world. I had these kind of fantasies as a kid. I was always scheming to build some kind of underground retreat. Once I started on it and was caught by my mother. I wanted to build a complete, secret, safe, underground world, known only to me. Maybe this is a fantasy common to most boys. He wanted to make a new rule about the dishes. This was a few days ago. It was that the dishes should be done as soon as possible by whoever uses them. They shouldn't be left for any length of time. I thought this to be a good idea as most of the dishes are washed by me in any case. The first few days didn't work so well for me. He even criticized me for leaving them. But a few days after this we learn that Linda has been putting pressure on him to have a neater and cleaner house. She was critical of my laundry and thought he might be doing the same to his. Namely, stuffing it all into a bag and not ironing it. It doesn't matter to me. Sometimes Simone will iron things. I don't ask her. She thinks it needs to be done.

Sexual fantasies about Judy all day. I imagine she wants me. Has finally decided to have me. I fuck her from behind. Somehow she is always bigger than me in these sexual fantasies. We are about the same height. I undoubtably weigh more than her. But she always swallows me with her body. Very soft. I am like a little boy in her arms.

Simone tells me Sten wants to have an affair with her, but is afraid. He also thinks she should leave me. Its probably several things he's afraid of. The state of his relationship with Connie, who would probably never be able to accept it openly. He has some anxieties about dealing with me. He could also be afraid of Simone becoming attached to him. He knows well what sort of person she is in a relationship.

Simone stayed with Stu last night. He barricaded in his room reading Playboy magazines. It was not a good night for her or him. She learned about the death of his relationship with Laurie. She was too demanding and aggressive, he lamented. I couldn't do enough for her, he says. Then he is demanding and aggressive with Simone. She resists. What kind of woman are you, he demands angrily. Then a pause for him to complain about Laurie again, about how demanding and aggressive she. Sometimes she wants to fuck and he doesn't feel it. She feels rejected and complains about this. They fight. He can't stand being with her. They are going to some sort of post-relationship therapy. Its the latest vogue. Simone give me a real life demonstration about how Stu assaults her. He grabs and pokes her all over, and tries to kiss her all over, but very hard. Its disgusting. She can't even play what he does. She is often exactly the same with me. I tell her she's insensitive and aggressive. She tells me I'm distant and passive. But I know I don't like it. I think this has helped her to see what its like for me better than all the times I've criticized her.