The Cambridge Chronicles

Today is an important day for Simone. Sarah Wright, from the Real Paper, is coming to interview her about the Center for Creative Dream Exploration. A short time ago I had this fantasy of being at my typewriter and discovered by her. What are you doing, she casually asks. Oh, I'm just doing a little writing, I casually respond. And from this she goes on to read some of it - and I get discovered and published in the Real Paper! Then on to even greater fame and fortune.

I talked to my mother on the telephone last Sunday. It was Mother's Day. Simone has this thing about holidays. She responds like Pavlov's dog. You have to send something to your mother, she says. There is pressure for me to do this also. She even says she will order some flowers for my mother the same time she sends some to hers. She expects me to do these things. She gets nervous, anxious, feels guilty when she doesn't send something to somebody on various holidays and birthdays. I, on the other hand, have never done this. She is constantly disappointed in me in this way. It was a big topic of discussion last time we went to see this therapist. It was the second time. I was last the first. A lot of it was about how she wants me to be the way she wants me to be. It seems I seldom live up to all the traditional expectations she has of me. And I become more resistant than necessary when she wants something of me. Often they are not such difficult things to do. But they become enormous to me. All but impossible to do.

I have another idea for the art show. It was to take my typewriter to the opening and write about what was happening. I would just have it there at the gallery. Poised with paper and fingers. As a page got finished it would be taped up as my own exhibit. Simone became excited when I told her of this idea. Richard! She says, I don't want you writing about sex! She got a bit paranoid. My idea was only to write about what was happening there. If someone had sex then I might write about it. Otherwise I would only write about the art show itself. She was relieved to hear this.

Simone has noticed something interesting. Its about our other relationships. It seems that anyone she or I had an intimate, sexual relationship with before we met, has managed to stay with us. New people, on the other hand, have gone away after seeing her or I one or two times. It is as though they have enough good experience with either of us to help them overcome the uncomfortable feelings they have about 'breaking' into our relationship. Some of the men have had sex with her once or twice, then they disappear. I never get that far with women. They hold back more in that way. They seem to have more to lose. Or maybe they are more aware of the emotional difficulties they may encounter and so don't get so involved. Men, as usual, seem to have no idea about the emotional difficulties they will have. They say, oh, I can handle it. No problem. But it soon gets to be just that. Some of the women I've met since Simone have kept somewhat of an emotional relationship. But I can feel the distance.