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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Wednesday, July 15, 1981 - everybody has one

There is this thing I have noticed about myself. It comes after I have done a lot of criticizing of someone. I notice myself getting very engrossed and thoughtful in creating criticism of another. Then this other thing begins to jump up all by itself. Namely, a tendency for me, or something inside me, to find the same faults in myself. Whatever it is that I can precisely point out in another, I begin to become aware of in myself. Most important for me personally, has been the difficulty with Adele and Cheyenne. For some time I have resisted doing some simple things that might have significantly contributed to improving the situation. But always I just think about doing something. I build up a little momentum to doing something, only to find something more immediately important in the way. I've been going to send her those flowers for over a year. Since I got back from FH.

Conversation overheard one evening while having dessert at Rosie's: Hello, I haven't seen you for a long time (waitress from behind the counter). I'm married (woman customer, dressed in camaflouge army pants, makeup like a punk rocker). How is it, the waitress asks. I'm getting a divorce. Its awful. Where are you living? I'm going to have a baby. Who's the father? I'm moving to LA or maybe New York. And so on and so on.

Some things noticed about myself: cold sore on my lip, a sign of tension from something. Another sign is that I am slightly constipated. I can feel some of the blood vessels around my asshole are starting to swell. More tension. My left eye has been watering. Lately there is a cold feeling when I blink. All this from the recent tensions of living. I have noticed things building up for a week or so.

Lotti called the other day. She did not want to speak with me. She felt guilty about not contacting me about work. She has been doing some writing and wants to read it for some people, but not me. She at first wanted someone else to read it because she was too nervous. I seem to be most everyone's scapegoat and projection figure of late.

Judy called for the first time since returning from her trip to Puerto Rico. I have noticed that she is keeping her distance again. She pulls back not just with what she says but also in the tone of her voice. The waters are getting rough around here. It tends to scare most people off to some degree. This is quite a change from several weeks ago when she admitted a fear of being rejected by me and wanted me to reassure her that it wouldn't happen. Its an old pattern with her, of wanting to have contact with me when she's lonely, and becoming distant when she feels better. Its typical of most people I know.

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