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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Wednesday, August 4, 1981 - alcohol and abuse

A boy was selling lemonade on the street yesterday. Once I did the same thing, but with some friends. It was a very hot and still day in Cody. Some men were working on repairing or replacing the surface of a street. It was my idea. We made the lemonade and loaded it onto a wagon. A little red wagon. I had them pull me. Why should we do that, they asked. Because it was my idea. And I will be asking them to buy. It was very successful. We divided up the money. The feeling of bouncing along in that wagon and the anxiety about making the sale comes back to me. The best part was managing to get them to pull me in the wagon. I did something they couldn't do and so go that special privilege. Even today, from time to time, I manage to get myself in a special position. On the other hand, this is poor compensation for not having things go my way the remaining times.

Nancie Jordan was here today to do some typing. I have noticed something about her. It seems that on the phone, or outside, like in Harvard Square yesterday, she is more able to speak with me. But once here, at the house, where I live, she clams up. It is difficult to even initiate any conversation with her. I thought that it might have something to do with being in my bedroom. Maybe she is afraid to let go of herself here. Maybe its just my fantasy.

There was a fire on the third floor of the building in which my office is located. It started from a cigarette in the mattress of the guy who lives here. He was not in at the time. He smokes, drinks, seems to have some sort of lung disorder, and disturbs me. The other day I was thinking about Cheyenne and how she will see my life someday. Will she see it as a repeat of the economic struggle of my parents? Will it seem any different from anyone else's life? Sometimes I see myself coming to the same end as this unfortunate fellow. He doesn't seem to have any family or friends. His only possessions are now locked up in that burned apartment. The landlord won't let him in again. He wants the guy to go to the VA hospital to do something about his health. He resists. Not wanting to admit to a problem. He has them though. He spends his nights sitting out on the sidewalk and trying to sleep. I don't know what he does for a job. I am afraid of the same thing happening to me when I'm older. Suppose my ability to get along with people deteriorates? And I wonder, why this worrying about what my daughter will think one day? Better to put that same energy into making things better for myself.

Interesting revelation from Jack Trainor about Donna. It seems that at one time when she lived with Brad he beat her. He was drinking heavily at the same time. This happened when they were all living in New Orleans. Simone and Dana knew nothing about this, even from their four year relationship with her. Its so easy to hide things from people. But I have noticed another side to this. Often a person will avoid learning things like this. Especially with friends. Friends learn to deceive each other and to ignore certain things about the other person. It would put the relationship in danger. I thought of this with Simone and Beth. Beth has always said that her relationship with Phil was 'fine'. A few days ago she broke down and admitted it was not so. Simone would always take it at face value. She never questioned. Beth stayed dependent on her for comfort. But at the same time she never was forced to do anything about her situation. If it got too bad she could just go to Simone for a little comfort, then right back to the same disastrous situation. Phil is not generous with his money to her. It seems he gave a lot of money to a woman who left him. He doesn't want the same thing to happen to him with Beth. He is also pressing on her to become a great runner. He is resigned to not becoming a great runner himself and so is living out his desire through her. She is having all sorts of psychosomatic difficulties. They can't be real if she is running 10-15 miles a day. Simone is completely straightforward about Linda. She has nothing to gain by being nice and sweet and comforting. So she says exactly what she thinks of her. She doesn't see any of her friends so clearly, or does not want to. Just two days ago she came to the conclusion that Michael is not really in love with Constance. That Constance is nothing more than a stabilizing force in his life - something he feels a desperate need for. He is like his father, who is a real womanizer. He has even fucked with Simone, and unknown to Michael, who seems to be, unknowingly and unconsciously, doing the same. He is also like Tom, who married Debbie as an anchoring force, but who really wants to be able to live, not just exist. I thought also of how its the same for me. Exactly who do I pick for my friends. I thought of Edwin and Bill, versus Victor and Arra. I am closer to the former, who are not so professionally successful, and distant from the latter, who are very successful.

Simone tells me that people are afraid of me. They get very nervous around me and about the idea of talking with me. Simone is like a buffer. I am reminded of the police and how they interrogate a suspect. Two people do it. One is a tough guy and the other is very nice. The tough one scares the suspect so badly that he flees into the arms of the nice one and tells him everything. It doesn't matter who plays which part. The result is what they want. Talk. I have had this idea for getting people to talk directly to me. I thought of sending copies of my notes to Beth, Michael, and some others. Nancie also, but today, while she was here, I managed to get a copy to her, and some things about FH. Its a bit frustrating to have so many people talking about and not to me. They speak mainly to Simone. Most of them want her to leave me. Why? Because of what she tells them about me. It is all badmouthing. They don't understand how she could stay with someone who is so bad. But she does. She does not communicate the positive aspects about our relationship in a real way. She may say such things, but her emphasis is always on how I am doing her in. This morning with Nancie she has to cut away with how I am distant and won't fuck with her. She says nothing about how she is a demanding, compulsive, insensitive asshole. She is like a man. Most women would refuse to fuck with a person who expects them to do it, and who are insensitive at the same time. I have been in the same position myself. I think of Adele, who after we broke up, would tell Bill that she was often horny and wanted to fuck. But I was always demanding, expecting it of her. And when we did I was often insensitive to her feelings. I made it physically uncomfortable for her. That's not how I wanted it to be.

I have felt depressed for the last week. Yesterday I slept till noon. Last week I got two packages, two letters, and a phone call from Wencke, from FH. I was excited on the one hand, but felt depressed at the same time. I talked to Nancie about this yesterday when we met in the square. She was going to pick out dresses for the bridge's maids for her wedding. They must be like parents for you, she said. Yes, that's part of it. But I am also overwhelmed by inferiority feelings. No matter who comes, they will be able to manage more communication with people here, than I can. I will see myself as stiff and held back. All my old experiences on FH will come rushing to the surface again. Who ever it is will also tell me how they see me, better than anyone here. I will not be able to escape myself. A fear that everyone here will see what I am really like. Later, Nancie spoke to Simone about the very interesting conversation we had.

Simone saw her therapist yesterday. She came home filled with new ideas. One was that she has to stop listening to what people tell her to do. She is still not listening to herself, especially on the subject of leaving me. People are always telling her to do this. But if she listens and does what others tell her, then things will still be the same for her. An incident happened like this with Jack last week. He stayed here for the weekend. One evening, late, I decided to go to the office for awhile. Simone did not protest openly, but she choked when said ok. She didn't want me to go. So I went, but came back almost immediately. And what did I find on returning? She was with Jack. He had been in bed when I left. She was on my bed with no clothes. I go directly to my room. A moment later she comes in. Still no clothes. She has done it again. She went to him for something. The moment I return she is filled with fear of what I will think of the situation and jumps up to return to me. Jack is left there by himself. Its no wonder he has such problems with women. Laura came by to see him for 5 minutes and to tell him she was with another man. He was really pissed off at this. He won't say anything to Simone about what she did, essentially the same thing. She used him for the moment, and when I returned she dropped him. She was so overwhelmed with thinking about how I might react that she abandoned doing something for herself. She did what she thought someone else would want her to do. She was completely childish after this. Baby-talk, flopping around on the bed, trying to pretend that nothing had happened. But inside me it was a storm. Its the sort of thing that must turn her stomach into knots. She went through the same thing with Dana about a week ago. I left for the office. She went to Dana. I returned unexpectedly. She left him almost immediately to run to me, again, afraid of what I might do, and abandoning her attempt to get something for herself, in favor of placating me.

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