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Sunday, September 29, 2013

Wednesday, August 27, 1981 - not always winning

I detect a certain amount of resistance to writing about the last two days. It started when Joe called me a triple yum-yum. She had just called him to ask if he would come over and fuck her. It got him out of a depression. He couldn't do it as he had a date with someone else. But it pleased him to much he just had to call me. That's when my depression started. Why don't women call me and ask me to come fuck them? He does have the advantage of keeping everything separate. I find this impossible to do even though its obviously something that could be tried. Who do I blame for this? Next comes the career anxiety. I have just read a book. The Soul Of A New Machine. Its about a group of people, engineers, who build a state-of-the-art computer in an extremely short time. The psychological/emotional problems encountered are given greater importance in this book than the technological difficulties. There is a nice mix of the two. One could read the book to learn about what's new in that area. Did I make the right decision about not continuing with school? It was always exciting to me. Science, discovery, inventing new things. The childhood of these people was not unlike my own. Always poking around in things and taking them apart. I felt left out and left behind. It was something I always wanted to do. Too old now. Well past my engineering prime. But it won't help me to cry over spilled milk, or other things. In the human arena I feel left out and left behind. Simone's success and Joe's success leave me feeling unable and crippled. Its so hard for me. I feel such incredible resistance to doing what would make a difference. I want it to come to me automatically. Because I deserve it.

Kathy calls to say that Linda called this morning. She was concerned about me. Simone has left me a note. It says that Linda called. They talked. She wonders where I was this am. I wanted to avoid her. I could not face her. I called Judy about staying with her last night. Ken was to stay here with Simone. About ten last night we were in bed, clothes half off, and There he is. So I try to convince Judy to let me stay with her. I go to the office where she will call me. She does not call. I work till four in the morning. Wake up at eight and leave. Simone says hello to me as I go out the door but I say nothing. Twinges of resentment and jealousy. I don't want to admit to having lost in last night's competition. She had four men to sleep with her last night. I had my computer. Sigh. Interesting talking with Ken and Simone last night. She is conscious of the tension. Ken will not admit to it. He reads a little of my notes and says he'd like to read the whole thing sometime. You have a very loose style, which I like, he says. So I leave in a hurry to get to the office in case Judy calls. Simone wants me to linger. She plays a little stalling game.

Something noticed about last night. I come home about four to sleep. She did not take her pillow. When Linda stays here with me she (Simone) always takes her pillow to her room. Linda is not here. She doesn't take the pillow. I need it for my bed, she always explains. No more explanation is needed.

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