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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Saturday, August 15, 1981 - who wants who

I am excited about the art show again. Last night, while having dinner at Jonathan's, I tried to remember the phone number of the Sacramento Street gallery. I did remember it. A young boy answered. His name was Schwen, or something like that. I played a game with him where I would mispronounce it. He got quite exasperated. Finally his mother came on and asked, in an irritated manner, who is this? I got a bit nervous at that point. Who knows about the art gallery, I ask. Oh, you want somebody else, she replies. It turns out we can have 3 pieces each in a show that opens September 12. The guy was quite interested in our concept. I will send him some stuff about it today.

Simone is not so sure about going away to her training course with Steve. I might meet somebody there, she says. Very likely. She knows this. Steve knows this. He doesn't want her to go without him. He's having enough trouble tracking the competition. He needs an air traffic controller just to keep track of the people circling around Simone.

I notice these jealous impulses flashing around inside me. They are most prominent in my face. There are these random and uncontrollable grimaces and distortions in the face muscles. Sometimes I notice myself holding onto an expression for too long. Beyond the feeling. It is like a tight grimace and smile. A combination of the two. It gets more difficult to make fun of the strutting they are doing with each other. I feel as though some distance has been lost. It is becoming too real for me. A little bit too serious.

We get a notice in the mail of Gail Topal's engagement party. She has not been spaced out the last few months over this guy. He's my soul-mate, she says, you will see when you meet him. She moved and didn't tell Carol about her apartment being available. This pissed Carol off. She wanted to live near Simone. Perhaps Gail was afraid of contacting Simone after being out of touch for so long. She came to see us often before she met him. This state of love makes people oblivious to the real world. They manage to hold themselves in a state of suspended death. Who knows for how long. Simone says she was in heaven with me - for three weeks. Gail does not see as well as her.

I told Simone that there are 10-12 people after her. She says, you are always exaggerating. Here is my list: Richard, Steve F, Michael J, Ken, Stu, Michael S, George, Jeff, Ron H, Joe S, Fred, Dana, Steve B, Steve L, Jack T, Jack M, Bob W, her current boss, Steve W, Myron M, Donna's boyfriend, the Oklahoma Saxaphon player, Ted B, Gene H, Blacksmith House physicist, and some other more minor attempters. She is right. I am always not seeing things the way they really are. How could I have been so wrong? I will have to get a firmer grip on reality.

Simone gives me a list of things she notices about herself. She likes to take showers after fucking. She likes to fuck from behind. She tells people when something is uncomfortable for her, as opposed to letting it pass or mentioning it later.

A fantasy with me, Simone, Linda, and Steve. Linda is here, along with me, Simone, Steve. Linda is in the shower. Simone starts some sort of argument with her. They argue back and forth. It turns into a real fight. I step in to break it up. Steve thinks I am favoring Linda at Simone's expense. He tries to get me out of it. I kick him in the balls. That's it for him. End of fantasy. Another one with Beth and Phil. He discovers I have been fucking with Beth. He threatens me with a gun. I calm him down. Then run out the back door and to the police station.

Simone read my list of names, and my fantasies. So, you are after Beth too! Competing with Edwin. Nancie is another one who wants to fuck you, she says. She will never admit it, but maybe she will. I will ask her, says me. You'll ruin it if you do, Simone warns. Its like this with lots of people. They all want to fuck but are so afraid of what someone else will do. Each wants it but is afraid to take the first step. So they do it on the sly. A rare woman like Simone will be out front about it. Linda is becoming much better about this. It once was that she would tell me how women don't need as much sex as a man. But now she is just responding to what she wants, more than before, but not always. She sometimes uses the sexual lever against me.

More has happened with Steve and Simone. They talked for 2 hours this afternoon. She came to the office about to cry. She senses it is not going to be what she wants. Back to the search for the perfect man, she tells someone she has called on the phone. There is something behind this wanderlust. He can't stand being around serious people. He can only tolerate the superficial relationships of his job and the movie crowd. He has to be alone to grow. What bullshit. He wants a simple life like the dolphins, he tells her. But in reality, dolphins, possibly the most intelligent species next to man, are completely social and dependent on each other. They are never found alone. They are always doing things in groups. They will save a comrade who is in trouble by raising the injured one to the surface. They will protect each other from sharks. They are very sexual. They are always communicating with each other with a combination of behavior and dolphin speech. He doesn't know anything about dolphins. He is only striving for some perfect idealistic vision of himself. Something about Saint Augustine, or some other religious character. He begins to feel that Simone is hemming him in. That she wants all these things from him. But what he really wants is all those things from her.

Went running at Fresh Pond at 6pm. Me, Dana, and Simone. Nice time, but a bit muggy. We ran two miles. Almost an accident on the way back. Later we are almost home and Dana comments about how a woman on the sidewalk looks at him. Ever notice how women will look at you when you're going by in a car but not when you walk by them, he says. They must think we want to fuck them right there, he concludes. I think its true. He admits to having thought about it. Women too.

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