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Monday, September 30, 2013

Monday, August 31, 1981 - impaled klutz fantasies

Walking down Harvard Street, from business in the square, on the way home, two young girls, about 15, are sprawled, sitting, on the sidewalk. A slight feeling of being threatened by them taking up the sidewalk. Should I walk through them or around them? I go around. Then, a moment later, a fantasy about impressing them. Why not jump completely over them? But I am a klutz with women even in my fantasy. I trip and fall on them, managing to almost impale myself on a bicycle. Then this feeling of complete inability hits me. Why so much difficulty relating to women?

Today is not Monday. It's Tuesday. I was writing this about 7pm last night. Suddenly an enormous depression. I had to lie down and sleep. All day it was fulminating and raging about all sorts of imaginary scenarios between me, Simone, and Linda. Linda and Simone fighting about the dog. Simone and me fighting about getting Linda and Ken together. Its been worrying me the last few days. I've been anticipating her reaction. Her very unpleasant reaction. I've even been telling people how I think she will react. The worrying settles in my stomach. A tense and uncomfortable feeling. The stomach won't go away. It stops working normally. It should just be there, doing its thing, not complaining to me. So, I thought, why waste the rest of this sheet of paper. I'll write till its full, then begin another day.

So I had this idea for Ken and Linda to live together. A few days ago, when in the midst of my latest depression and withdrawal, Simone says to me, why should you be so depressed and unhappy. I'd be glad if my boyfriend was moving to a place only 5 blocks away, she tells me. A few days ago this idea came to me. Why not? Simone will be bullshit, but its in her best interests. She won't like my trying to bust up her sexual monopoly, but it will make things more interesting. She tells me I'm always upping the ante. Here we go again. As soon as I get over one thing, you have to up the ante, she complains. She doesn't know anything about it yet. Or maybe she does. She tried to call Ken last night from Amherst. She will be there till Wednesday evening. I didn't want to say anything about this. It would just be another burden to keep her from making something of the course she's taking. So Ken made an appointment to meet Linda Monday afternoon. But he did not show up. He didn't even call to cancel. This surprised me very much. He is high up in the local est office and the sort of person who is normally very responsible. But this is a challenging and intriguing situation. It may have turned out to be too much for him.

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