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Friday, September 27, 2013

Monday, August 24, 1981 - more musical beds

Sitting here with a million things to write about. This morning I am thinking about how I am not evenhanded, what shall I say, equal, unbiased, in how and what I write about. Anyway, I must say, Fuck this shit, as once said by a former manager of Orson Welles. Its hard for me again. No idea where to begin. So many things have happened.

Thursday I travel to NYC to help Linda move to Boston. I miss the first train after being trapped in the subway half an hour. The second almost. Simone came to see me for awhile. She had altered her clock so that I would miss the next train. I left her with my estimate of the time. She tried to get me to come back to her once more. But I ran for it and made it by two or three minutes. She called Linda to tell her about my being late but gave her the wrong arrival time. The two of them have been talking more. They call each other. Linda was extremely resist to me sexually Thursday night. She did not know what it was. I had the feeling something was up. Last night it came to me. She is sexually withdrawing as a way to get me to loan her money for school. I began to think about this earlier in the day when Simone made a similar comment about me when I withdraw from her. I'm going to fuck with as many different men as I have to, so you will get out of that withdrawn mood, she informs me. They both use sex in the same way, as a weapon. Linda is the more old fashioned of the two.

I had the idea to let the two of then run my business and go off to do something different. They both seemed intrigued a little by the idea. No negative responses. I also have this fantasy about my seminar business. On alternate weeks I will go off to various cities, and one of the other will go with me for a few days to lie around some hotel pool and visit some exotic city.

Where have all these things gone? A few moments ago my head was swarming with things to write about. I adjust the margins of the paper. When the notes are copied somethings are cut out the by the little holes. I don't want anyone to miss a word. I have sent copies to Jerry Kosinski after reading Cockpit. I had the idea of going through it again and cataloging all the crazy, compulsive, neurotic, sexual, power, and other fantasies I indulge in. Some imagination this guy has. Its an interesting story of a former spy, but the real meat of the thing is in his relationships to women and people in power. It is almost completely parallel to my own fantasies and daydreams. I find myself constantly trying to prove some woman has done me wrong and imagine that she is being punished by the cosmos for her sins. Or walking around and poking into things, another of the hero status imaginings I find myself creating.

Last week was an interesting time sexually for Simone. On Sunday night I kick her out of bed. Monday night she is with Michael. The next day telling me how good it was with him. Saturday he visits to use the typewriter. I learn from him that what Simone described did not happen. He tells me her lies are not as bad as they once were. Michael could tell you some lies much better than that, she prompts. Tuesday night with Ken. I was there. Emotional chaos inside me. It went away. Now I can only remember what I saw. It has no other influence on me. The emotional part of it has gone away. The chaos did not last. Wednesday night turned out to be the most interesting of all. You have 15 minutes to convince me to stay, she says. It took more than fifteen. But she gave me more than 15. I did some of my best acting. She was torn part of the time as to how much of it was an act. Then, once she had decided in my favor, there was the situation with Steve. She had to call and tell him the story. My car broke down, she laments. I don't believe you, he replies angrily. And so it goes. He had been with Linda, a friend of his, earlier in the evening, and sent her home before Simone's expected arrival. But she didn't show. That must have made him madder. I know we fucked that night, but what I remember was the in-bed fight. I would reveal something about how I had tricked her into staying, and she would pretend to attack me. Must have gone on for an hour.

Thursday morning with Steve. They have a good time. But things get too complicated for him. He kicks her out. Its over. I don't want to see you again, he says. She calls to tell me about it just before I leave for the train station, and to New York. Later he calls to ask if she wants her thesis back. Yes, send it to me, she says. But she is harsh and pissed off. She does not see that what he has done is to try and recover from the situation. He doesn't really want it to be over. Simone ignores this obvious maneuver on his part. She claims it is nothing more than returning the thesis. She is so stupid sometimes. I remember doing exactly this countless times with Adele. One of us would make some sort of reconciliatory move, only to have it squashed and ignored by the other. But he keeps trying. He calls back several more times. I think he is learning a lot in a very little time from this relationship. Simone doesn't let him get away with much. She tells him what she thinks. She tells him what she sees him doing. It must be a real shock compared to the Hollywood crowd or his other relationships. But I am surprised at his ability to bounce back from each of his irreversible decisions. He seems to have called at least once a day for the last few days.

Friday afternoon with Jeff. Simone calls after her two complete orgasms. It is so wonderful she says. Jeff has been massaging her. We talked about his relationship with her and other women for over an hour last week. It was the most amazing talk I've had with a man since leaving FH. He spoke about being totally pissed of at her for being late, or completely missing dates with him, during the entire 6 years they've known each other. He gets very mad at her. But he is very straightforward. He doesn't try to rationalize everything. And then about how he sees her. She seems to only call him when lonely. He has the impression that the lights are on but nobody is there. She always seems to be somewhere else. I think that is especially true when she has problems with me. He is often the one she calls when I get away from her. He notices this and tries to tell her what he sees. But Jeff, I love you, she responds, or, that she really is there, and how could you say such a thing. Or she will change the subject completely. He will talk about something only to have her go off on something completely different. She doesn't want to here what I have to say, he tells me. I always thought of you as a cruel and hard person, he confesses. But she is very good at talking about her pain. She pours it out like water from a pitcher. She can really stretch a face when she cries, he says. Some of the ugliest faces you ever saw. This makes it seem like your fault. He sees Steve as someone who will help her continue a fantasy life. She has this ability to hold men and think they are the only one. She, on the other hand, wants to be number one with each of them. An impossible condition. A funny description of her 8-year non-relationship with Michael. We compare notes and realize that many of the calls Simone tells me she gets are really calls made by her to someone, and then returned. He sees her as someone, and so do I, who has an insatiable need for love that can't be satisfied, but only because something inside her says it won't. Too many experiences with being disappointed. The next one will be the same, the little voice inside says.

But its not all so bad. I remind him of how she's kept at it for 6 years with him. He has been the one to go away most often. She is open to him. There is this way she looks at him directly, unlike most women. This results in our discovering the downcast-eyes principle. It goes something like this, as I see it: men are all the time going around looking for women. They look at most everyone to see if they get any attention. The woman, on the other hand, looks only at those who interest her. She knows that the slightest look will tell any man that she's uninterested. If the man responds positively, she will take the next step. And it goes as far as the woman wants. She is in control at the beginning. But later it will almost always turn to the man being able to manipulate best. It will be easier for him to stay emotionally uninvolved, or ignore how he feels. The woman can't do it as well. I have played this little communication game many times. It is always easy to tell. It goes even easier if the woman decides to touch the man. This happened to me with Lisa, who I met at the art show. She pulled back when she learned of my relationship with Simone. It seems this is the safest way for women. They really don't know who to trust. The kindest, gentlest, most considerate looking man, in public, may turn out to be a terror in the bedroom. And it often happens that way. Every woman I know tells me such stories.

It was about this time that I had a long talk with Herb Pearce. He has been holding something about me inside himself since last Christmas. It seems he did not like the way I behaved when Simone gave me lots of presents last Christmas Eve. He thought me a little cruel. It was nothing more than my trying to respond to Simone's urge, almost a panic, to give me presents as a way of keeping my love. I hear many stories about relatives who say, I don't care if you send me a present. I just want you to be happy. But when she doesn't send a present on the right day, they are pissed, and let her know it. So she knows exactly how to handle this situation - always send a present. He also has this idea that I fuck with lots of women. He is surprised to hear that I've only been with Linda and Simone. They have been with many others. They were constantly accusing me of fucking, or wanting to fuck, or trying to fuck, with any woman who came near me. But that idea has been slowly going away. Neither has accused me of this for several months. But Herb somehow sees it that way.

I go out to dinner with Simone, Ellen, and Jack. We spend half the time trying to find a restaurant that's open.

Sten has returned. I call the house to give Dana a message and find him there. He has been in Washington, staying with Connie and her parents. I wonder how he is leading her on. He wants to arrange for Claudia to visit the Institutes for Human Potential in PHiladelphia with Lily. She is 5 years old and still can't walk or really talk. I find myself swamped by that old FH feeling. Its in my stomach and at the ends of my arms and legs. A kind of tension and anxiety and urge to flee from something. Its like a frozen but just starting to sweat feeling. Difficult to decide what to do next. But having the feeling that something must be done.

Quite a time with Simone. She has to tell him how she's glad he's here to put the kibosh on me and do something about my bad behavior. He gets a sample of hers later. Its this old problem of pride with her. No job, no money, not many prospects. She has a resentment of Carol and Sten. Its not just them, but they come from families with money. She grew up poor. Smashes a cup of orange juice to the floor! Screams and yells about not being able to stand it and runs outside. I follow but see that Jack has just returned and is with her. She does not want to do work that is beneath her dignity. On the other hand she complains about being cut off from my support. Sten gets to be the therapist. You aren't going to oppress us with your bad behavior. Its funny. And we will try to get what fun we can from you. Its not funny for you. But for us it is. So why don't you start something right now from where you are, he asks. She slows down. It gets better. Carol has gone a little off her rocker about the thrown cup. A small piece makes a small cut in her leg. We clean up. Carol leaves. Jack goes for a run. Simone, me, Sten, go outside to admire his new bike. Sten leaves for Connie's. Simone and I go for a short walk.

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