The Cambridge Chronicles

I have this nervous, shaking feeling all over. Its not noticeable, but I difinitly feel it. Lots of things happening. Linda has been here this weekend. She came on the train. Arrived about 1am this morning. She and Simone were in the office together this afternoon for a few minutes. Linda had to leave for work at 5. The radio was playing some sort of jazz. Simone says, who put on that horrible music? Its the sort she likes to listen to. But suddenly, because Linda had put it on, it was horrible. She knows I don't listen to that sort of music.

Stu called a few moments ago. He wanted Simone. I told him she was at Michael's. Simone tells me she will be staying with Michael tonight. I thought she would be with Stu. I tell him this. He says he expects to be with her tonight. And Simone has told me Joe offered to take us out to dinner tonight. He just calls and says that is not right. Hmm! Is Simone playing a Simone Alter game with me? Joe will call me back when he gets the story.

Lottie called a few minutes ago about working for me tomorrow. She has done an enormous amount of work in the last two days. Linda wanted to work for me. She is even faster than Lotti. I told Lotti how fast she was. This caused her to say she would stay and work on something till it was done. She types about 200 names an hour. Linda can do 300 or more. She has gritted her teeth and done it because she was afraid Linda might end up getting all the work. She even says how Linda's presence has caused all sorts of havoc for her. She feels beaten or wounded, or something like that. Its competition. She doesn't see it that way. Its just that she needs money for the rent. Sure, that's all it is Lotti!

Jeff called earlier to say how much he liked Simone's new flyer for her courses. I had to add that it was me who did the layout and typing. It was also my idea to have them cut up the Real Paper article and include it in their mailing. Simone says its just my jealousy or something, coming out.

I called Gina at Gallery East today. Simone told me how she came up to her last night and started telling her about life with Duane and Al at the gallery. Simone gave me a ride there and didn't want to leave. At one point I just said I wanted to go work with Duane on the mailing list for awhile. She stood there looking despondent and sad. Gina and Duane were standing in the doorway watching us. They had seen us kiss and razzed us about it. I went to do something with Duane and Gina went to Simone. You have this look on your face just like I felt two weeks ago when I was going to leave Duane, she says to Simone. It turns out they have relationships with other people and it causes the same sort of problems as with Simone and I. So the call was to suggest that the four of us talk about things like this together. She didn't think Duane would be interested but would tell him of my idea.

We had our fourth visit with Eric yesterday. We met in a different office. We were almost half an hour late. He kept us 10 minutes longer than scheduled. I told him of my idea to video tape our sessions with him. It would be a good way to see ourselves. I thought it would also be a good way for other people to learn about how to talk about certain things. We talk about things that are often very difficult for other people. It might be helpful for them to learn how we start with such things. He will ask about using the equipment for next time. I also suggested having Linda join us sometime. Simone exploded. She wants to keep everything between just the two of us. Linda found the idea acceptable.

A busy time on the telephone at just this moment. I called Lisa, who came to the art show last Sunday. We flirted with each other. She likes me. There was a lot of competition between her and Simone at the dinner table. Later, after the meal, she went to the bathroom to change her clothes. It was taking her a long time. I went to see what the problem was. She had vomited. The whole thing upset her. She got a bit nasty. It looks like this fuck is going to cost you $700, she says. That's what it has cost me to finance the whole show. She is already having paranoid fantasies that Lisa and I will get sexually involved. Simone calls me on the phone while I'm speaking to Lisa. She will see me this evening, but is wondering what is going on with me and Simone and the people at the table. She had the impression that Simone was being nasty towards her. There was competition for the attention of everyone at the table. A moment later Roberta calls from the airport. I tell her Simone is at Michael's.

Simone tells me she and Michael are in bed. He is pissed that all those men, Joe and Stu, called while she was there. Stu is really pissed that she is staying with Michael tonight. Then Joe calls her to find out about dinner. She had the idea that he would be paying for us this evening. Not so, he says. Maybe another time when he feels richer.

Joe called to say how much he liked the art show. He thought it was going to be a really amateur event, but was pleasantly surprised. He and Ann liked Simone's work the best. It makes him like her even more, he says, and wants to sleep with her tonight. I won't take no for an answer, he exclaims. Maybe next week sometime, she tells me.

I have been reading Mary Chestnut's Civil War Diary. Her writing efforts remind me of my own. Everything, from the very commonest things in life, to the life and death of her new country, are written about in such an interesting manner. She called her writing her notes, just like I do. They begin February 18, 1861. There is something about her style better than mine. I always am trying to be so literary and eloquent. Always trying to spell everything correct. Always trying to say everything just right. She just puts things down. Every little thing even if it is wrong in the grammar or syntax. The result is more interesting reading. It seems to me that I ignore the interesting story sometimes and try to be a writer. Better I should just stick to writing an interesting story. I like the way she sometimes spells words wrong and makes funny little verbal tricks. I do the same. She spells words just plain wrong also. One amusing thing is the indirect references to her and other people's sexual behavior. She always just brushes up against it. Perhaps I need to read still more to be sure about this. A good feeling from having just written 2 pages.

An interesting event with Jeannette a few days ago. It seems she needed someone to babysit in an emergency for her. She called and asked me. Ok, I says, but I've only got an hour or so. Its the two children living in the house where she has a rent free apartment. Its in exchange for the apartment. So the mother and children are there. Some guy comes by and takes the mother our for the evening. Later, Vinny who may or may not be the Vinny I've heard about, comes in. He is very nervous and anxious. Pacing around like a caged tiger. Jeannette returns. I tell her how beautiful she looks. The situation is a bit tense, but why is not completely clear to me. I talk with Vinny as he gives me a ride home. He tells me about how they are in the middle of a passion filled affair. Next day I get a telephone call. Its from someplace like a bar. Music and chatter in the background. But there's nobody talking to me after I say hello. So I give it a try and attempt to get whoever it is to talk. Come on, I say sweetly and softly, you can talk to me. Don't be shy, I says. Its Vinny. He wants to lay something on me. I'm going to beat you up if you have anything more to do with Jeannette. Now that's now exactly how he said it during the 45 minutes we talked, but that's the impression I got. I try to get him to say everything he wants to say about breaking my legs and twisting my body. He wants to protect Jeannette from me. She is a very weak woman and I am very clever. You might try to talk her into living on one of those European sex farms he says. That's not my philosophy, he says. I decide not to remind him about the gonorrhea she got from him. And maybe one of those pregnancies she had aborted. He wants to tell me about her terribly family life and how its made her susceptible to all sorts of crazy ideas, including mine. You are very slick and smooth, he says, and god knows what you will try and talk her into.

And all the while I can feel the fear in my body. There is some in him also. It must be difficult for him as he doesn't really know that much about me, and what I might be able to do. But his honor is at stake. He tries to control the rage and hatred he must feel. He tries to be smooth and cool about the whole thing. He has some very astute criticisms about me. He seems to have noticed many little things about me in only the little time we were together. He notices all the little social conventions and rules that I do not observe. They are very important and necessary for him. He seems to think I didn't talk or socialize with him while he gave me a ride home. Its not true. What I didn't do was acknowledge all the things he wanted me to verify about his relationship with Jeannette. He wanted me to recognize that she was his.

Simone has just returned from a visit to Michael. She tells me that Michael says I changed his recommendation for her so that it doesn't make sense. I tell her its not so and have her call him back after reading it. He wants to know why I didn't change it. Let me talk to him, I tell her. He doesn't want to. Its not important, he says. She reminds him that you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. He is a fortunate lad, to have someone protect him from the likes of me!