Monday, September 16, 2013
Friday, June 19, 1981 - why love me?
There is a small country in Africa whose economic support is based on the processing of small animals as food. The small animal is something like a mouse and a kangaroo rat, but a little larger. The animals are raised in metal pans about 2 feet by 18 inches. The sides are about 4-6 inches high. They are very efficient animals. You put some food in with them. They eat it and get bigger. There are no waste problems as they grow very quickly. They are then slaughtered and packed in small cans, like those used to pack sardines. For some reason I had one of these cans around the house. Last night I got up feeling hungry. Still half asleep I stumbled into the kitchen and found this can. A light was on in another room. I couldn't see too well. Even if the light had been on I wouldn't have been able to see very well. So I am opening the can and out pops this little critter, still very much alive, and onto the floor. It seems this happens in the processing. They can live for long periods of time without food. It falls on the floor and I try to step on it. A squeak indicates only partial success, and it escapes into some hidden recess of the kitchen. You may wonder if it was ever found. There is nothing to worry about as it was only a dream.
Watching television. First a movie about the cavalry and Indians. The Glory Guys. Foolish general tries to take on the Indians without the rest of the army. A dashing major and scout contest for the charms of a beautiful woman. Next a movie about a ranching valley in Montana. Reminds me of the place where I grew up. Farming and ranching people. A family and what happens to them in everyday life.
Antsy all day. Been by myself. Wandered around, did some work. Had a date with Lauren B. She called and changed it to next Tuesday. Judy called me today. She said, I missed you. It was very chugged. I felt a lot from it. It was as though she had to push it out. It came out slow. She has been with a new job. She is not the director of the place she's been working the last two years. Her boyfriend Steven, leaves in a week or so for Puerto Rico. She will go there for a short vacation. He's going to medical school. Its a sure four years for him. She thinks about leaving and going with him. She wonders if I will still see her after not having contact for so long. She has been like many people I know who drown in a relationship. She is testing to see if I will still be here for her. I have such a longing for her. But nothing much will come of it. She keeps her distance. May this is part of what excites me. It would not be so intense without the fantasies I have of her. She is in bed. On her tummy. Her ass is up in the air a bit. Legs apart. She is covered just from her knees down. I walk into her apartment. The doors are open. Up the stairs. Inside the door. Into her bedroom. She is a little sleepy. She is facing the other way. I undress and get into bed with her. Immediately I have an erection and come into her. An orgasm almost immediately. She is very we and relaxed. She comes at the same time. Its always this way with her. The same exact fantasy every time. She knows the woman, Lauren, that I met at Roberta's party. We talked for more than half an hour today. She promises and wants to see me soon, before leaving for PR.
Simone, Jack, and I had supper at his favorite Chinese restaurant in Central Square last night. He borrowed a copy of my notes several days ago. I was interested to know his opinion of them. He was surprised at my candidness and admired it. He found both parts of the notes easy to read, except for the handwritten quality of the FH Chronicles. Later, I suggest he write something and give it to me to read. He will think about it, he says, but is a bit intimidated.
It is now several days later. Enormous difficulty writing. I have been using the excuse of wanting to use the rest of this page. I thought something would come to me soon. I have a bad feeling about leaving a page so empty. Also, that the subject of my writing was also left unfinished. Nothing came to me. I've read more of AN. It seems very intellectual and dreamy to me. But interesting, nevertheless.
Some highlights. Simone has suggested to me that Joe was inspired to do his latest writing as a result of me. She also thinks he would never admit it. Roberta tells me she she has started a journal. I asked if it was as a result of reading my notes. She admitted it influenced her to do it. Simone has told me she thinks of going to FH. A long ways from the day she fumed and raved and wanted to tear my FH notes to pieces! She has done another complete turnaround. This follows close on the heels of reversing her opinion of my notes. More such reversals are sure to follow. Jeff was here a few nights ago and actually touched on his sexual difficulties. He stayed here for the night. He wanted to sleep with Simone but didn't have the nerve to ask her. Joe is regularly asking her. She was aware of Jeff's presence. It influenced her behavior the next morning when we fucked. Jeff had to admit to being uncomfortable, but not to me. Still it is a big jump for him to even be here when Simone and I sleep together. Of all the people, other than Simone, he seems to have made the most personal progress. Carol was here that same night. She wanted to sleep with Jeff but seems to have gotten sick instead. She was probably initially quite nervous about asking him. Then it got hold of her and she saw it as a way out. Perhaps the fact that Simone and I have been going running in the evening, that is, doing something about our physical condition, also caused something in her. She has gained still more weight.
This page does not seem so empty now. This will satisfy Simone a little also. She has been trying to cajole me into writing a little bit every day. She has become the official cheerleader of these notes.
Heard an interesting story about advertising. It seems there are some 10,000 people, all over the country, in all walks of life who work for an advertising company on a part time basis. They have the job of introducing new advertising slogans to the public. I heard the story in connection with the phrase, Go for it! It seems this is an important part of a beer companies advertising plan. So they have these people us the slogan as often as they can in their daily activities. I notice that it has recently become a part of the vocabulary of several people in my circle. It probably produces some unconscious but positive influence on people.
It is early in the morning. I am still mostly asleep. Simone is beside me and talking. An eloquent little speech about herself and difficulties she has in her relationship with me. It is familiar. Never quite the same, but similar. She wants to be free of these difficulties. Simone has just come in from visiting Ken. He wanted to know 50 reasons why you love Richard and want to be with him. He wrote them down and made notes on the reasons. So here are some of those reasons, straight from Simone: 1) he is a supportive person, 2) generous with his time, 3) tries to be honest, 4) he is creative, 5) thoughtful, 6) outspoken, 7) handsome, 8) sexy, 9) intelligent, 10) interesting, 11) willing to take risks, 12) caring, 13) avant-garde, before his time, 14) generous with his money, 15) talented, 16) lovable, 17) industrious and hard working, 18) progressive, 19) good sense of humor, 20) willing to try, 21) humanitarian, 22) loves Simone, 23) she loves him, 24) innovative, 24) helps me out, 25) inspiration to others, 26)
Watching television. First a movie about the cavalry and Indians. The Glory Guys. Foolish general tries to take on the Indians without the rest of the army. A dashing major and scout contest for the charms of a beautiful woman. Next a movie about a ranching valley in Montana. Reminds me of the place where I grew up. Farming and ranching people. A family and what happens to them in everyday life.
Antsy all day. Been by myself. Wandered around, did some work. Had a date with Lauren B. She called and changed it to next Tuesday. Judy called me today. She said, I missed you. It was very chugged. I felt a lot from it. It was as though she had to push it out. It came out slow. She has been with a new job. She is not the director of the place she's been working the last two years. Her boyfriend Steven, leaves in a week or so for Puerto Rico. She will go there for a short vacation. He's going to medical school. Its a sure four years for him. She thinks about leaving and going with him. She wonders if I will still see her after not having contact for so long. She has been like many people I know who drown in a relationship. She is testing to see if I will still be here for her. I have such a longing for her. But nothing much will come of it. She keeps her distance. May this is part of what excites me. It would not be so intense without the fantasies I have of her. She is in bed. On her tummy. Her ass is up in the air a bit. Legs apart. She is covered just from her knees down. I walk into her apartment. The doors are open. Up the stairs. Inside the door. Into her bedroom. She is a little sleepy. She is facing the other way. I undress and get into bed with her. Immediately I have an erection and come into her. An orgasm almost immediately. She is very we and relaxed. She comes at the same time. Its always this way with her. The same exact fantasy every time. She knows the woman, Lauren, that I met at Roberta's party. We talked for more than half an hour today. She promises and wants to see me soon, before leaving for PR.
Simone, Jack, and I had supper at his favorite Chinese restaurant in Central Square last night. He borrowed a copy of my notes several days ago. I was interested to know his opinion of them. He was surprised at my candidness and admired it. He found both parts of the notes easy to read, except for the handwritten quality of the FH Chronicles. Later, I suggest he write something and give it to me to read. He will think about it, he says, but is a bit intimidated.
It is now several days later. Enormous difficulty writing. I have been using the excuse of wanting to use the rest of this page. I thought something would come to me soon. I have a bad feeling about leaving a page so empty. Also, that the subject of my writing was also left unfinished. Nothing came to me. I've read more of AN. It seems very intellectual and dreamy to me. But interesting, nevertheless.
Some highlights. Simone has suggested to me that Joe was inspired to do his latest writing as a result of me. She also thinks he would never admit it. Roberta tells me she she has started a journal. I asked if it was as a result of reading my notes. She admitted it influenced her to do it. Simone has told me she thinks of going to FH. A long ways from the day she fumed and raved and wanted to tear my FH notes to pieces! She has done another complete turnaround. This follows close on the heels of reversing her opinion of my notes. More such reversals are sure to follow. Jeff was here a few nights ago and actually touched on his sexual difficulties. He stayed here for the night. He wanted to sleep with Simone but didn't have the nerve to ask her. Joe is regularly asking her. She was aware of Jeff's presence. It influenced her behavior the next morning when we fucked. Jeff had to admit to being uncomfortable, but not to me. Still it is a big jump for him to even be here when Simone and I sleep together. Of all the people, other than Simone, he seems to have made the most personal progress. Carol was here that same night. She wanted to sleep with Jeff but seems to have gotten sick instead. She was probably initially quite nervous about asking him. Then it got hold of her and she saw it as a way out. Perhaps the fact that Simone and I have been going running in the evening, that is, doing something about our physical condition, also caused something in her. She has gained still more weight.
This page does not seem so empty now. This will satisfy Simone a little also. She has been trying to cajole me into writing a little bit every day. She has become the official cheerleader of these notes.
Heard an interesting story about advertising. It seems there are some 10,000 people, all over the country, in all walks of life who work for an advertising company on a part time basis. They have the job of introducing new advertising slogans to the public. I heard the story in connection with the phrase, Go for it! It seems this is an important part of a beer companies advertising plan. So they have these people us the slogan as often as they can in their daily activities. I notice that it has recently become a part of the vocabulary of several people in my circle. It probably produces some unconscious but positive influence on people.
It is early in the morning. I am still mostly asleep. Simone is beside me and talking. An eloquent little speech about herself and difficulties she has in her relationship with me. It is familiar. Never quite the same, but similar. She wants to be free of these difficulties. Simone has just come in from visiting Ken. He wanted to know 50 reasons why you love Richard and want to be with him. He wrote them down and made notes on the reasons. So here are some of those reasons, straight from Simone: 1) he is a supportive person, 2) generous with his time, 3) tries to be honest, 4) he is creative, 5) thoughtful, 6) outspoken, 7) handsome, 8) sexy, 9) intelligent, 10) interesting, 11) willing to take risks, 12) caring, 13) avant-garde, before his time, 14) generous with his money, 15) talented, 16) lovable, 17) industrious and hard working, 18) progressive, 19) good sense of humor, 20) willing to try, 21) humanitarian, 22) loves Simone, 23) she loves him, 24) innovative, 24) helps me out, 25) inspiration to others, 26)
# posted by ADL : 8:29 PM
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