The Cambridge Chronicles

I can't get this movie off my mind. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Saw it last week. Its an adventure film. It has everything ever put into any of the films like this, or so it seems. I have this desperate longing to be transformed into just such a situation. A constant stream of fantasies about wanting to be this character who overcomes every adversity. Someone who always wins in the end, even after endless setbacks and failures. Always winning by pluck and wits. He uses a whip. The hero. Old fantasies about knowing how to use one of those, and other exotic weapons. I wonder why these things sweep me away. The movie was totally absorbing. Simone says I was yelling and clapping and doing all sorts of things. I only recollect a little of it. She was as much influenced by me.

A rejection letter from Bantam Books. The editor thought it was experimental fiction. Contact a university press, she advises. Simone always tells me not to be discouraged. Anias Nin couldn't get published for years, she reminds me. What you write is very interesting but to avant-garde, to advanced, too experimental. When you are 70 you will be rich and famous, she always tells me. She has read all of Nin's work but the last book. I read a little of one last night and liked it. Simone thinks I write much like her but without the romanticism. We were trying to think of who had become famous for their diary writing before they became old or dead. Can't think of anyone.

Last Saturday was Cheyenne's 9th birthday. I tried to call during the day and evening, and Sunday. Monday Adele answered. I want to wish C a happy birthday. She wants to know exactly what I will say. I tell her about the time last year. How I wished her a happy birthday. She said she wanted to see me. I told her to arrange it with her mother. I am not to say anything about seeing her. The rest is ok. I am surprised she lets me do that. C is very uncomfortable and nervous. She is very hesitant about talking. It seems I have to draw everything out of her. I tell Adele this. What do you expect, she says, of course she's nervous. I see you are just as insensitive as always. This makes me feel even more right about not letting you see her. You haven't changed a bit. You should have known she would be very nervous. But you didn't. I can't convince her to let me see Cheyenne. She is quite convinced of my intentions to do her harm. She has become remarkably like the sort of person she accuses me of being. Simone listens to the conversation. Afterwards she says it gave her a tension headache. How can she be so mean so long after its all over, she asks. She says there is still lots of feelings about me in her voice. I was amazed that it went on for 20 minutes. It's the most we have talked in 7 years. Adele sets me apart as a very special person when it comes to hurting people. And again, like she accuses me of being insensitive, she has become the same as far as things concerning me. I mean she has a special way of hurting me also, and she uses it still. Her voice is very controlled, as Simone noted about mine. But one can still feel the rage, vengeance, and fear in her. She is not direct about it, but implies that I should be sending birthday presents to C. It is what any 9 year old would expect, she tells me. I never gave anyone presents all the time we were together. She is still trying to transforms me. Or so it seems. I'm not saying anything will happen if you do, but C is a normal child who likes presents on her birthday, she tells me. But behind it is a threat that as long as I continue this way I won't get to see Cheyenne. Perhaps she would see something like this as a sign that I have changed. It is very difficult to continue the conversation in a fashion that will make her want to continue and at the same time not offend her. I try to note exactly every response to everything I say. She finally ends it. I don't seem to have done so badly. What to do next? I thought about sending a present to C. What? Then I had the idea of sending her one of my art works. 4th Grade Picasso is what I thought of first. Then Otto's Green Lady. It occurs to me that part of my motivation may be to influence Adele. The sending of the art. But in a way beyond just sending something to C. Look here, such a present would say, I'm becoming a bit of an artist. That's a bit of a change for me from the time we were together, don't you think? In a way she is right. I still have to be prodded somewhat. I can't get myself to do some very obvious things. I could have done all this over a year ago. I could have done it years ago. What could I have possibly lost by doing it? Nothing. I am filled with regrets and what-ifs and little fantasies of how I might have done some things differently. But none of this helps me with now. I have had the idea, again, of sending her a copy of my notes. It seems a way to reveal more of myself to her in a way not possible when we were together. I go back and forth on doing it. Could I possibly get more behind by doing it?

I wanted to say something about loosing ground there but can never remember if it is lose or loose. What rule can help me remember this? All these years and such a simple thing escapes me.

Some interesting observations about the people around. I seem to be getting a lot of heavy criticism from various quarters. Joe, Michael, and Roberta want Simone to leave. He will never change, they all say, in exactly the same way. She goes to them with her difficulties with me. They say, leave him. That simple they think. They give up on themselves just as easily. Still looking for the perfect person. We had supper at Roberta's the other night. She cornered herself with Simone and spilled the beans about what's going on for her. She lives in a household with very little communication. She notices that we, me, Simone, and Dana, are always on top of each other. We communicate a lot. We do lots of things together. She has an economic arrangement with her roommates. She fucks with someone who lives elsewhere. It seems they do it once or maybe twice a week. She is still interested in Joe but is afraid to do anything about it. She never comes to me with her criticisms. It's the same with Joe and Michael. Simone is very easy on them. It keeps them in the same position. Namely, with their same old problems. She should use the insight she has with Linda to criticize them. They would improve, like they think she has, in a short time. One couple Simone knows have stopped seeing her since we have been together. Jean and Andy. We were there one evening for supper. An odd character came in and made what seemed to be a business transaction involving drugs. I mentioned what it seemed to be to Andy. He denied it, but Simone and I both thought he lied. She didn't say anything about it. They have avoided us since that time. I am noticing this more and more. It would help a lot of people if they were criticized for some things they do. Simone says she does this. She calls it a different style. To me it seems to be completely indirect and a way of avoiding saying what you really think. This way the person will not be offended. But at the same time they are not really made aware of how others see them. This is a crucial element missing in the social life of people. They criticize, but almost always behind the back of the person it is intended for. This kind of criticism will dislodge a person who is stuck. It gets things moving. But most people are afraid to do this for fear of the person going away. Or that they in turn will get criticized back. I know it stops me from saying a lot of what I would like to say.