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Sunday, September 29, 2013

Friday, August 14, 1981 - who's doing who?

Simone has gone into one of her tirades against Linda. Completely irrelevant things/crimes that she has committed. Things, that done by her friends, would go unmentioned, or eh'd aside. It has completely ruined the good feeling in the room from only 15 minutes ago. I feel sick in my stomach. I'm sure it has added to the knots in hers. A nauseous feeling. I don't even want to be near her. It feels like emotional poison, an emotional swamp. Her tone of voice becomes low and slower. Deadly serious. Even humorous incidents become totally real for her. Linda's ambivalence, nothing but a mirror of her own, becomes a club used to smash her down. Linda's every change of course becomes like some evil change in the smooth flow of life. It is not allowed. When Linda reverses herself it is a stupid move. When she does the same it is a stroke of genius and sublime personal insight. But you what I mean. The person who knows another's faults is only using a light made from the energy of their own difficulties. Oh Jesus, I am writing more crap again. What stupid things to say about something so simple and obvious. Everyone knows this thing of being able to see what's wrong with someone else. Enough of this. It starts to eat me up.

Some gossip about Edwin. It seems he fucked about a month ago. Its someone that Simone knows, and someone that I have met. He won't tell me who it is. I get ten guesses but he doesn't say its any of them. I figure it could be Carol, Ellen, and Simone thinks Beth, and I thought Lynn. I named about 12 people and he wouldn't say it was any of them. I found Simone's choice of Beth most interesting. She thinks Beth is having lots of trouble with Phil and likes Edwin. This is from the time she was in one of Simone's groups. Also, we were going to a movie with Edwin and invited Beth. She declined when we told her Edwin was coming. Maybe there is something to it. I will ask her next time she calls. Simone thought it might have been Jean Varda. She likes those fat men, Simone proposes. Maybe it was Laura? She shows up here at odd times. He won't tell who it is. I'm sure it must be one of the people I named to him. I will try some sort of trick on various people to try and discover who it is. Maybe it was Kathy? She was here typing a number of times. That was during the day. I find myself a bit obsessed with trying to discover who it was. It was the first time for him in a year and a half. Connie is another possibility. Simone suggested Nancie Jordan, but was very doubtful of that. She was here during the day around then. Its his way of keeping someone's attention.

George called me this morning. Says he lots a role of film and thought it might be here. He's really calling for Simone. I tell him she's been out on a date. And that I've heard he's in love with her. He says, no, no, we're just friends. George is another one who wants to save Simone from me. He thinks he is much better for her. I think George travels in the slow lane. Simone is always in the fast lane and doesn't have brakes. The only thing she can do is push on the accelerator. This is the sort of ruse George would think up. He doesn't want to say directly that he's calling for Simone. But I know this trick. Used it many times myself. I tell Simone all this later and she is a bit disturbed. She doesn't want to face what she's doing here.

Nancy has made many positive comments about my writing. She and Bob like it very much. A funny thing, though. She tells Simone that she wants to talk to me and Simone, both privately, about it, and that Bob wants to do the same. Bob has sexual fantasies about her. They both think it good enough to be published. They find it very easy to read. She thinks I should have some of it made into plays. She comments about my comment about someone's comment about how I don't talk about love, and that I seem to talk about being happy very little, or when I do, it seems to turn to its opposite. She often writes only when sad. I have to tell her how happiness is often a very temporary and illusory thing. Often it is only a false picture of things. How else can one feel when the image evaporates? But I certainly like it when someone is as positive as her about what I write. She says it makes her feel things. That is what I like to do best with writing. I don't care so much that it is 'well written'. You don't talk about the things you write about in real life, she tells me. It would be good if you talked about these things, she opinions. Its true. I think only later to point out that she only has to be here to hear things first hand. I have noticed that she speaks most directly with me over the phone. Less so during a casual meeting, and least of all when she is here. It is a bit of a bind. What other ego boosting gems can I squeeze out of what she has to say? I get the name of her sister who works for an NYC publishing house. I have typed up a letter and will mail it tomorrow.

Linda has called and asked me to help her move some things next week. I don't know if its possible. I am having money problems and am behind in work at the moment. I'll tell you more the first of next week, being the most I can say. She suddenly becomes very curt and no-saying. That's all right, you don't have to bother with me, she says. No, I have to go now. No, I'm going to hang up now. This goes on for a bit as she hopes I will manage to recover the situation. She is another one who wants to be saved.

I don't want to go to bed. It makes me shudder to think of getting in beside her. She will most likely try to throw herself over me. She's a smother type. It is a disgusting and flight inducing feeling. I just want to get away from it. Yech.

Have been reading more of Mary Chestnut. The end is near for her and the South. That South will never rise again for her. I find myself using more literary phrases, or trying to, like her own. I more often come across a part where someone is looking on as she writes. It is amusing to read this. It makes me think of the times when someone is looking over my shoulder. And who will read this 100 years from now and laugh at the same scene? I feel almost as though I am right there doing it myself.

Simone has overcome her Linda vitriolocity. It definitely fades. She knows she does it and does not like herself for it. But it does not fade so fast in me. I notice that she sometimes catches, and passes me, in this little race. I mean the one to erase hardheartedness. It lingers longer for me. For her the shortness of its life is a definite improvement.

An interesting new development in the sexual relationship with Simone. She has always insisted that I finger her to an orgasm. Then she allows me to have one. It doesn't always work exactly like that, but it seems to be her preferred pattern. So the new development is that she manipulates herself, or I do it, while my prick is in her cunt. She has come close to orgasm several times, but she stops it before that happens. Its better with me. The old pattern is boring. She is tighter and wetter this new way. We can both learn to have orgasms at the same time. Before she would often get bored or carried away by something when it was my turn. I don't know exactly what brought it on but the first time this happened was after her first great time with Steve.

She has told me a lot more about this new beau of hers. He is very romantic, sexual, spiritual, physically fit, well endowed (each new man gets bigger than the last, in fact, I expect the new one to have something the size of a baseball bat in his pants), gentle, sensitive, cultured, continental, cosmopolitan, well-read, versed in 5 languages, likes to travel, very intelligent, and all the wonderful things I am not. On the other hand he will never be her daddy, he is very insecure about his intellectual abilities, obsessed with his appearance, is a gigolo (tonight he will be servicing a 45 year old movie producer who has put him in one of her pictures), and will not allow her the same freedoms she gets from me. But he may be able to learn this. Simone told him how I criticized her for treating him like Stu by being late. He thinks it is just a clever may of manipulating her. Sexually she likes the way he rubs his prick against her inner thighs. They are another pair that does it on the floor, walls, ceiling, and on the bed. He has complained that she is too analytical. She that he is too intellectually insecure. He has started to tell her about his other relationships, but assures her they are all superficial. They have even talked about living together and babies! Simone has made some new rules about how she will keep me informed about what she will do with him. It is an indirect way for her to regulate my relationship with Linda. The rules are broken the very day of their creation, however. She does see him as someone to fall in love with. For me this is a good thing. Less chance of having to handle her desperate times.

Simone has been asking me to marry her all this afternoon. It started right after she spent 45 minutes fucking in the shower with Steve. He was behind her and pressing her against the wall of the shower. She had fantasies of being interrupted by the police. She wants to marry me definitely, and be able to have a relationship with Steve, and maybe others. I have been puzzling over this preoccupation with this all evening. Just now the truth comes out of her. She will have the freedom to do what she wants with me. He won't be able to allow her the same. They have had their first argument today. She has been pressing him about some of the obvious contradictions in his life. Wanting everything to be simple, but on the other hand he has these perfumed, herbed, hot towels for her after sex. All his laundry is perfumed and has fabric softener in it. He uses various chemicals on his face and body. But what he really means is another kind of simpleness. Emotional simplicity. No complicated relationships or involvements with people. He wants a more isolated life with just Simone. Some people claim they can grow by isolating and withdrawing from people and the world. It is, in reality, a form of emotional and social suicide. It causes all ones abilities to relate and be social with people to wither and atrophy. One finds the skill disappears without constant use. The way I see it is that people become very afraid of social contact and withdraw as a way of eliminating the fear. I have seen myself on the one hand exhorting me to get out and do something with people, and on the other hand, relaxing because I decide not to go out and make contact with people. He tells Simone that the beginning of their relationship will cause me to be better to her or worse. In fact things got much better between us. Mostly, I think, because she is enjoying herself more, and hasn't had to demand what she wants from me. She has gotten a burst of energy from this new relationship and feels very good that she can attract such a person. I feel better for not having to meet all her demands. He is beginning to put a fence around her. She is not the sort to be roped in. His insecurity about holding onto her needs narrower borders than Simone can tolerate. This will become a source of increasing friction between them. I think that finally he will not be able to tolerate her free-wheeling spirit. He wants a life with more substance and less superficiality. But his Hollywood crowd can't ever be anything else. His wandering around and imagining things will be better somewhere else only says he can't find anything where he is, no matter where it is. Things will be over between them within two weeks. He wants a life of substance but fills his time with so many superficial things. I'm not jealous of Richard, he says. He's part of a package deal he's got with you. So there is no need, nothing to be jealous of. But I know that its in me. I know that its inside Simone. She's jealous of his date in Hollywood, who pays him $500 to fuck her. She is really upset about this. She has been nervous all evening and chewing on things. I don't believe he isn't jealous. He is fooling himself. He does not know himself very well. Simone called him a few minutes ago. They talk for awhile. On learning that I am here, he has to go do something. She is nervous and wondering why he doesn't call back. She thinks its because of me.

Did you know that The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition, has been published on Amazon? Buy the whole thing for 99 cents and read it on a kindle (or kindle software for your Mac or PC), here:

A Memoir About Art & Sex During The Reagan Years (The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition)

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