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Friday, August 16, 2013

Sunday, March 29, 1981 - the art of deception

It feels as though my writing career is about over. I find myself making excuses about not writing. Saying to myself, do you have anything to say? I have been thinking of ways to make it better. For example, paragraphs, as a first way to better organize material. But it only comes out that way in my head. Sitting here writing shows the folly of that idea. So then I thought, why not just begin each new subject by indenting as in a paragraph. It doesn't have to be organized as a real paragraph, I think to myself. It will help me to better organize, no, the real intent is to listen to what some people say about my writing, and write a particular, familiar way. Bob Rimmer has sent me another letter with advice and criticism. I show the letter to some others and they agree. He doesn't know what I do for a living or where I am sexually. Does it matter what I do for a living? Does anyone, including myself, know where I am sexually. The first is easy to answer. I have a business which automates and sells special purpose mailing lists. Sexually I want to have more experience. This is difficult now because of my couple relationship. To be honest with other women amounts to making them afraid. To be dishonest means too much emotional bookkeeping. Who did what, to who, and when. Then being careful that nobody knows what really happened so as not to hurt their feelings. Simone and I fuck a lot. She sleeps with a couple of other men sometimes, and I sometimes, but not as often sleep with someone else. I want to do away with all this fear and bookkeeping about who is sleeping with who. It does not seem possible that we will ever be able to enjoy ourselves with this hanging overhead. It doesn't seem possible to really love and care about other people if you can't be open to them in this way. It seems like such a simple idea. Just to be free of the fear of doing something. I'm not that way myself. Yesterday I noticed something about this in myself. The situation is that I will be with Simone, but it has happened lots of times with other women, and I will see someone who is attractive to me. The next impulse is to try and look at them in a way that doesn't seem obvious to the woman I'm with. That is, to almost pretend to be looking at someone else so she will not be jealous of my looking at another. I noticed the funny my head moves and tries to pretend something else is being looked at. A very self-conscious feeling. A little bit of anxiety and stiffness. Its as though I freeze up a bit. It worries me what she will think of my looking at another woman. Its seldom a natural and free thing for me. I try to hide what I'm doing from her. I worry what she will think. It then changes my behavior. How will it be possible to live with people and express myself freely when I can't even look at other women without anxiety? It has been a big thing the last few days. I had a date Thursday night. With Nina. We went for a long walk. At first she said that she had left a note at my door about how she didn't want to see me this evening. We took Linda's dog for a walk. Then she asks about going to Harvard Square. Ok, I says. And so we go. Through Harvard Square, down Brattle Street. Do you know what's just ahead, I ask her. No, she replies. The local Mormon Church. She is very surprised. We walk to the front door. A young woman with a baby goes inside. Its Thursday night, or Relief Society, as I remember. It has a strange magnetic pull on me. A little anxiety. Fear of being sucked into it again. She hesitates at the door, almost as though she does want to go in. She converted several years ago in NYC. It has a strong attraction for her. The sense of community and a feeling of belonging to something are what she wants. She has an odd feeling about Mormon men. That they are very held back, if I understand correctly. We talk about it for some hours over hot chocolate. She is slow to order it as her Mormon conditioning is still quite strong. It is against the doctrine. The caffeine. She has the idea that nothing will ever come of a relationship with me. Its clear from what I've said about my expectations of her. But she enjoys the evening anyway. She has a hard time making friends. My advice to her is to get out more and be a friend, in order to get some. She enjoys the way, or appreciates the way I reveal myself in the notes. This is also the kind of relationship she wants - open and honest. But it is so that she rejects me for being exactly that way. What is it about this sort of behavior. She wants people to pay attention to her, open up to her, approach her, but I have done this in some way that is wrong for her. How is it that everyone wants contact on the one hand, but is always rejecting it, not always, but most often. Everyone wants to be accepted and approached, but only by the "right people. Not you though, you're not the right ONE! How do I point such a thing out to people? I have done it often enough myself. Always this fear of making a wrong choice. But mixed up with trying to see what is going on here is resentment about being rejected. So part of this understanding is to make something wrong with what she has done. What could I do to be the right one for her. It seems obvious. Hide my real feelings. Fake a romantic interest in her and maybe reveal something about myself after she is in love with me. She seems the sort to be completely taken in by this approach. Even though what she wants is openness and honesty. Most people couldn't stand complete honesty from those around them. We all seem to turn our heads aside at a multitude of little, but common sins. I do it myself. Just little things that are destructive to another persons life and ability to make contact with others. Things they do that are counter to making their relationships better. Its one o'clock in the morning. Simone has to get up before eight to go to an interview.

Did you know that The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition, has been published on Amazon? Buy the whole thing for 99 cents and read it on a kindle (or kindle software for your Mac or PC), here:

A Memoir About Art & Sex During The Reagan Years (The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition)

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #996,132 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
#54 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Arts & Photography > Art > Other Media > Conceptual (June 2, 2013)

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