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Monday, August 26, 2013

April 17, 1981 - self and other destructions

I was thinking today about how to write a story of recent news. A short story about today. There would be an introductory paragraph to set the tone. Then would follow some other number of paragraphs about individual events. Finally, a concluding paragraph with a conclusion or moral-of-this-story ending. But a funny thing happened instead. Near the Orson Welles, on Mass Av, I am crossing a little side street. A teenaged-looking guy, with a beatup old car, is about to turn onto Mass Av. Suddenly a violent fantasy starts. He whips out a gun and points it at me. Making threats about walking so slow in front of his car. I knock it out of his hand with a quick movement of the mailbag I'm carrying, grab his arm and pull him out the window of the car. His passenger gets out, tells me they are police, and points his gun at me. I grab the first one around the neck, and stick the gun in his ribs, using him as a shield. Police cars converge from every direction. I won't let go of this guy till the other one gives up his gun. The police get him to do so and then I do the same. Suddenly the second guy grabs a policeman's gun and starts to shoot me. I do the same and shoot the gun out of his hand. The other police take their guns out. A few quick shots and the guns fly from their hands. I have a portable radio and call for help. Suddenly, overhead, Cobra gunships, filled with special forces men. They rescue me and tell the police to forget everything they saw. So much for my nice neat arrangement of the days events. The start of my organizing my writing gets blown away. I haven't had too many violent fantasies of this sort the last few days. Most of them have been about confrontations with Simone. She continues her coercive efforts to come between me and any relationship with Linda. The usual fantasy involves me getting fed up with her harping about it, exploding, and telling her to give it up or get out. She saw Michael today. He has lost weight. Probably from the stress of trying to avoid is feelings about her. He had an enormous hard-on when she got there. No agreement, she says. I'm not going to marry you till you are past childbearing age, he says. And so it goes. Simone has the feeling that they will be getting back together. This is the first time she has had a positive feeling like this, or at least expressed it so positively. For a moment there is a flash of anxiety for me. It goes away. The possibilities are that we will work things out together, or they will go off by themselves and slowly run down to ruin. This comes at the same time I am having these increasing strong confrontation fantasies about her. Some of them of turned to irrelevant fights. That is, about something at the time, mostly about the moments feeling, but never anything I can clearly remember.

A talk with Lotti about her mother getting old and not having anyplace to live. Her fear of having to take care of her. She has the idea that somehow a community will spring up to take care of her in her old age. But thinking concretely she realizes that it is not so easy. It is difficult, and getting more so, to have a have a relationship with me and Simone. She has noticed this thing about Simone. That Simone treats her in sort of a sickly sweet way. Condescending, like a constant patient and therapist relationship. Lotti has the feeling that Simone would have no interest in her if it was not for my relationship with her. She listened to our fight the other night and got sick, vomited, from it. This was on top of the things going on with John. But our fight caused everything to come up, literally. Simone is starting to have a difficult time with Lotti as she gets emotionally closer to me. I took care of her when she was sick. Went to the store to get her some ginger ale. Stayed by her side while she vomited. Stayed up and talked with her afterwards. I am going to have to talk with Sten to get some perspective on things again. The tension is making me crazy again. Lotti and I talked about how we can make a community to take care of us. It needs love. Nothing works without this. I realize how Simone tries to destroy things when someone has this feeling for me. She is always trying to end the feeling or anything, between Linda and me. Just the opposite is what's needed. When she tries to put an end to anyone's love she destroys the very community she wants to create. Linda cares for me a lot. I am the longest relationship she has ever had. It is a secure port in an almost constant storm for her. She seriously thinks about living with us. She is willing to try and overcome the problem of jealousy. She knows it will be hard, but wants to try. This feeling she has for me is very good for her. It's a sort of security she hasn't had before. It has put an end to a lot of the running away from relationships that she has done in the past. She sometimes sleeps with others but doesn't have the same feeling with them as with me. I have waited out her numerous rejections of me. She understands more about how its important not to give up. And it makes me feel good also. Not her being away in NYC so much. But that she thinks of me often and wants to spend time with me when she is here. The possibility of living with me has caused her to change all her plans about staying in NYC to study art. She will now try to get a place at Boston University. She wants to stay here for a few days in May. Simone has gone crazy over the idea. But just a few moments ago she asks if someone she hasn't seen since high school can stay for the night. Of course, I say. There is no reason for him not to stay here. Although I am a little wary of 'crazy' Mike as she calls him. Supposedly he once set himself on fire. He was dressed in a business suit. Is he a dope dealer, I ask. Not anymore, she replies, or at least I don't think so. Even though I notice a tendency to make up reasons for his not staying here, and a twinge of jealousy, it is ok. I have got to overcome this thing in me also. This expecting more of other people than I do of myself.

Did you know that The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition, has been published on Amazon? Buy the whole thing for 99 cents and read it on a kindle (or kindle software for your Mac or PC), here:

A Memoir About Art & Sex During The Reagan Years (The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition)

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,037,013 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store) #59 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Arts & Photography > Art > Other Media > Conceptual (August 26, 2013)

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