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Sunday, June 2, 2013

Thursday, March 26, 1981 - the center of attention

I have just returned from the office. It is 1:30am in the morning. Something inside me was very paranoid. I kept looking around as though someone was in the room with me, and behind my back. It was impossible not to turn around and look at the door for less than a few moments. Simone called me from Michael's. He went upstairs to do something, meditate. He talked a lot of not marrying her again. Yesterday he figured out why he is not going to marry her. He will do it in his next life. Furthermore, he will be the woman. She almost left twice to come home. It was 1am. She must get some sleep as she is substitute teaching at the Harrington School, has a Brookline School after school class, and her group later in the evening.

Called San Francisco about 11 to speak to Jud. He was out. Eve answered. I must say that the whole conversation from her end sounded a bit pre-recorded. It seemed as though she was reading from a menu of stock questions. The jargon was everywhere. The theories was everywhere. The wearies was very wary. Where E the marry very leery Larry. All these ideas about how things should be done and not so much just letting things happen and see what comes of it and then change something to see how to make it better things happening. An odd sensation of talking to a priest. The phone conversation was like a ritual. It seems Jud started writing every day, but wasn't able to really continue it. Not enough discipline. To myself I sort of say, well, I won't have to worry about competing with him. He won't be yapping at my heels. Time shows me to be the better man! But this sort of satisfaction is short-lived. I feel better only because someone else is not doing so well. Always this sense of relief when someone fails. I put myself in the position of having to compete, and then worry about not winning, instead of doing something with myself. This funny tightening sensation in my head. Like a towel being twisted and wrung out. Makes my head seem as though it is being turned to the left.

Simone left to be with Michael sometime after 9 this evening. Shortly before I got a little tense and nervous. Then a burning sensation in my face. It spread to the front of my body. Almost like the front being painted or having a hot sun shine on me. The sensation was more intense in the arms and hands. A feeling of wanting to take something and destroy or squeeze it. A sort of excited feeling when you expect a bear to jump out from the bushes, but you don't know exactly when, or which bush.

There was some possibility that Jeannette might invite me over for supper this evening. I did call Nina, who I sent a copy of my notes. She found them very revealing. She is still a Mormon. Seems she converted about 3 years ago in NYC. We have made a date for tomorrow evening. I tell her how she is very attractive to me. That I want to sleep with her. She doesn't know about this, but she would like to see me. Lotti turned me/down earlier this evening. At first she didn't take me seriously. Then it was that I asked only as a matter of convenience. If someone elsewas available, that I would have taken them. But that doesn't goeither. It seems she gives each of these ideas up by herself. I don't have to challenge them. Finally it is that she can't do it now. At first there was a bit of panic in me about he asking. Then it turned to the burning sensation. From time to time a sense of rage and hatred would erupt from inside me. But go down very quickly. A sensation of being inside a box. I am expanding, filling more and more of the box. Everything is getting tight. I can't see or feel what's going on. Its just like this emotionally. Everything starts to get vague. I can't figure out what's happening. From time to time it gets serious, then funny. I get insulted for a moment and tell her she will never be as good as Simone for this very reason, namely, resisting like this. She is always fighting with John's resistance. She expect something of him that she is also incapable of. But its not much more than a bunch of sour grapes for me. I have this same version of my own problems. I just manage to find people who are more inept, stubborn, stupid, resistant, and crazy than me.

Called Bryant about 10pm. Itseems my notes, and me, were the main topic of conversation at the Tuesday night dream group. I learn that this is often so. Wow! I must really be hot shit. They all like my writing very much. They don't know of anything like it. At least not any contemporaries, and nothing so revealing from a man. Simone often mentions Anias Nin to me as being somewhat similar. They talked about having me change the names in it before any publication. It seems they think some people might sue me. Michael says he will if anything with his name gets into print. Welcome to the new age of openness and honesty! Simone thinks Jeff would be especially enraged about what's written about him. That he might even do something destructive to me or my business. I think this is true to some extent, and will probably do this. It could all be types on a computer and then word substitution automatically done. So anyway, Bryant this evening. She had not read the notes. The others had read some or most of them. She did not want to take a copy because she didn't think it would be ok with me. It was of course, but she seems a bit paranoid about me. She wanted to have a copy, but has now decided she doesn't want to read them. She excused herself by saying that she was in the middle of something and that she would call me to talk sometime. Simone is very skeptical of this explanation. Ha! she says. So I have been enjoying myself all day with the idea that they spend all this time talking about me. The best part was about monogamy. Bryant thinks Simone has more than one relationship as a way of avoiding being close to any one person. Withdrawn, reclusive, tight-assed, uptight, closed Bryant thinks that open, honest, friendly, direct, sensual, loving, attentive Simone is avoiding close relationships! This is exactly the source of all the energy that makes her so admired, envied, and liked by all her friends. It, this following her feelings in sexual and emotional matters, is what they are jealous of and would like to have for themselves. I can't believe that Simone has fallen for this ridiculous line from Bryant. Bryant who was led on by a 55 year old married man who kept telling her he would leave his wife. Bryant who spends almost all her time with a man who is even more superficial, closed, and withdrawn. He recoiled from an embrace by Simone when he and Bryant came to the Saturday night party. This shit for brains asshole tells Simone to throw away the best thing she has, her ability to get love, and what for - because she needs to be alone, to get rid of me. It reminds her of all the underhanded little fantasies I have about doing people in, of ruining them. Simone is the way she is because of her experience. Her experience is that she seldom resists her feelings about anyone, especially men. It makes her whole world and view so much broader than the tight little rooms any of her friends live in. From all this experience she has learned how to make me, or anyone, much happier. She knows a lot about how to make everyday life good for herself and the people around her. They on the other hand, are forever withdrawing and not having the chance to experience and learn things. It seems she learns something big about herself everyday. Her friends come to her with the same old problems, over and over. They alternate between being completely withdrawn and asking her for help. I seldom see them offer, or even be capable, of helping Simone.

An odd impression in my head just now. Its of the lost little girl in Simone. Counter to what I have just written, but also there. This is the side she shows mostly to me. She tells them, the people at the dream group, that I've sent a copy of my notes to her new beau. But later she confesses that its only her fantasy. She does this to me often to get the sympathy and support of the people around her. It's the reason they always tell her to leave me. He'll only hurt you some day, they say. He will leave you for one of those other women. She confesses that what she wants is someone who will be faithful to her, someone that she can depend on, but at the same time who will allow her to have whatever relationships with other men she wants. It comes out exactly that directly. And then, when I am unable to make as much happen as her, I think, why not give it up, spend the time getting money for a group leader. Things will be much better when someone is here. But its also an excuse for not following what I want.

I suddenly feel sort of silly sitting here scratching my head, trying to figure out what to write next. Why am I doing this. But I also notice that writing all these things down makes me feel a little better. The fingers are really flying now. It feels like a very real form of catharsis. Some of these unpleasant feelings actually go away while I write these very words. I am alive. What an odd sensation. It drifts around like a cork in a large turbulent sea. In and out of awareness. Sometimes good and then bad. Chaotic and then organized. Clear and then fuzzy. Scratching my head. Simone says I'm getting bald. I rationalize and tell her how my father and grandfather have exactly the same hairline. But their hair is even thinner than mine. The shape of the hairline is called a Widow's Peak, I think. Its getting too long. Soon a haircut.

I have done some art work in the last few days. A picture of a pig. One day this image of a pig kept coming up. And that I wanted to draw one. I thought about mounting some of the pictures drawn while on FH. The green lady of Otto's is my favorite.

Business has been very good. Some old bills start to go away. A call today about an order that will be for more than $1000. Type Judy's resume tomorrow. Time to go beddie-bye.

Did you know that The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition, has been published on Amazon? Buy the whole thing for 99 cents and read it on a kindle (or kindle software for your Mac or PC), here:

A Memoir About Art & Sex During The Reagan Years (The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition)

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #970,495 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
#47 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Arts & Photography > Art > Other Media > Conceptual (June 2, 2013)

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