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Sunday, June 2, 2013

Thursday, March 22, 2001, about 6:40pm

I'm sitting here at the S&S waiting, or maybe no waiting for my dinner companion. So far there is just me and this notebook - scribbled in for, and on paper, the first time in a long time - not counting the really tiny one that fits in a pocket.

My dinner companion? A woman who convinced me, yet again of her seriousness two days ago. How can one not admire her? She left me feeling that she was serious even while she wasn't. It has always been my opinion that if a person can fake something so well that it appears to be real, then that's good enough for me. As good, even better than the real thing. Because to be able to fake means you know exactly what the real thing means. Love is one of those things that can be faked. For me its ok if a person fakes loving me. They have to be up to what my standards are, however, for the faking to be acceptable.

My companion, for this alleged evening, doesn't believe that C really loves me because she also has sex with another man. My impression is that C also loves this other man. My alleged companion for the evening does not believe C loves me. That its just a matter of convenience - her being with me, instead of the other man. My impression is that C loves both of us. This explains her being with both of us for 17 years with me, and 20 years with him. She has both of us in just the way she wants us - although from time to time she wishes the one who is writing this had more money. The other guy definitely has more money since his wealthy father died. This has not caused her to leave me for him - although she has had that thought.

My broiled salmon has arrived... along with a blonde floozy who appears to be here with mother and aunt, I'd guess. She is working class blond and attractive. Although the mom is over-dressed, fashion-wise.

Do we live in a world where its impossible to love more than one sexual partner? Its certainly possible to have more than one sexual partner, either serially or at the same time. My alleged companion for the evening (hereafter known as AC) has had thoughts of more than one sexual companion at a time. And many people have done this. But the problem is that they don't want any of their sexual partners to have other sexual partners. Each person wants to be in control of their partners.

The blonde remarks: I'm seeing somebody, but he's got a kid.

So the person with more than one partner has to keep an eye out for wandering and, generally, deceive each of them about what's going on. C was doing this when we first me. Eventually, with considerable conversation and humor, I convinced her to tell all. It happened one day, during a several hour phone conversation. She was sweating the whole time. Things were considerably more relaxed between us after that. And this to me being the first man she ever really lived with - in spite of being married for 10 years. She was married, but not really there.

So what is this woman faking, been faking for 17 years, and leading AC to think she's not really in love with me? To start with, the sex is still pretty good - although she could be fantasizing that its with the other guy. Conversation is open, open-ended and comfortable nearly all the time. She takes very good care of me - all the time, with cooking, cleaning, laundry and paying the bills. Although one might say she would be doing this for herself anyway. But that doesn't explain her going out of the way to find blueberries or mango things. She always seems to have her eyes open for that kind of thing - and she has no taste for them. And then she's picked me to live with. A not very tall, slightly chubby, balding, over the hill guy with a limited sexual imagination and appetite. I don't do much around the house except pretend to work and play with my dog. A few people find my writing and photographs amusing. Only one woman has ever thought enough of me to make me a father - and that turned out to be the biggest mistake she would ever make.

So the only reasonable conclusion is that C must be faking loving me. Well its good enough for me. Besides, one has to admire C for doing a good enough job at faking it. She was considering the theater, at one time, for a career. Maybe she's really not good enough to catch a man better than me! That could be why she's with me. When I think about it, it couldn't possibly be love. Anyway, how could an over-the-hill ne'er do well know anything about love?

Clearly all those year with me and R are just for the sex.

Is any of the above clear? I've just about finished my second toasted almond.

Which brings me, finally, around to AC and why she's not my dinner companion this evening...

There were the emails and phone conversations about my schedule and a convenient time for both of us. And, I must admit, her tone of voice and conviction were convincing. It didn't feel like an offer to make fun of - yet again. It felt different from previous and recent expressions of desire to work on the script. But not this evening. The obvious explanation was getting a free ticket to a fashion show. But she didn't want to go alone so there was an attempt, would be an attempt, to get a ticket for ST, her current Mr Maybe (often referred to as Mr Right by the woman in a typical couple relationship).

She wrote me this explanation about what could now happen in the future, which included the promise of dinner - if the other thing didn't happen. I responded by asking if this sequence of events, this story, sounded familiar. There were no messages or phone call after that. I suspect someone may have burst into flames, or started smoldering, from those words. Of course, there could also be another story I've not heard.

And now, at this very moment, writing these words, by myself, I've thought of some reasons why this pattern happens with AC. There are three reasons that occur to me.

The first has to do with her self doubts about her abilities. The latest idea is grad school. UCLA's film school,possibly the best in the world. She wishes herself to be able but has doubts. You can't get in there without a portfolio. She doesn't have one that would allow her to compete at that level. So avoiding producing anything allows her to imagine herself capable - there are all these REASONS why she's not gotten to it. There's the job, there's the boyfriend, there's the fashion show, etc. Other people don't have all those obstacles in their life. So that explains why she can't work on the script, or other film projects that could be used to create a portfolio.

Number two would be ST. A fragile character. She imagines its ok to spend time with me. She imagines it doesn't bother him. He's biting his tongue. She knows from experience what will happen if she threatens to not have sex. He will bite his tongue. She confuses his being quiet with his calculations about speaking out or her withdrawing sexually. This will work as long as he doesn't have anyone else. She will know he's got someone else when it doesn't get her what she wants. And she wants to work on these projects with me. She imagines me to have considerable imagination. So she is forced to risk something with him and his loyalty to get my qualifies to assist her projects. Which are, at the same time, our projects, which present a problem for ST as our projects represent a wedge into their relationship. On the other hand, she's willing to take this risk of his bolting because he is far more committed to the relationship than her. Last September 15, 2000, she switched strategies. She would no longer look for someone to fall in love with. She looked for someone to fall in love with her. Much less chance of getting "hurt". She recently remarked about a friend, D, who is now using the same strategy. In spite of very different backgrounds the two of them had a similar experience and opted for the same less risk strategy. Ah, the power of biology at work!

The third explanation concerns me. How badly, and how many times can she disappoint me, twist me around, offer her time to me, prove to her that I lover, before I'll give up in disgust, and tell her to go away. When a normal guy would dump her if there was no sex by the third date, why am I still hanging on? I must be retarded, stupid, desperate, or, the best of all possibilities - in love with her. But you can't be too sure. Time to do some testing. Make me jump through hoops, into fire, for her. Prove there is nothing she can do that will push me away or give up on her. This is a common female strategy. Most of the women I've known have settled on this strategy. Its the safest way to a more secure mating. Or, as Adele once said, I picked you for your earning potential. Obviously that strategy doesn't always work. And neither does love.

What's the real story? I've placed them in order of most to least important. Stay tuned...

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