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Sunday, April 7, 2013

March 4, 1981 - musical therapist beds

Some unknown resistance to writing today, and the last two days. Feeling much better, though. Monday morning, early, walking to the office. A woman is coming towards me. About 50 feet away she steps into the street and goes past. I turn a moment later and she has walked back to the sidewalk. I tell Simone about this later. She says its because of my derelict, convict, dangerous look. Its that denim coat and candy corn hat, and several days of growth beard. Women would be afraid of someone who looks like you do. I know otherwise, she says. But someone just walking down the street doesn't. This reminds me of Vienna about 1969. She worked for the same project as me as a secretary. Very cute. I liked her. She complained about my clothes one day. The next week I bought a complete set of new clothes. It didn't help. She wanted to marry a wife-beater. Lately the same idea occurs to me. Simone talks about my not wanting to be a success. They seem to be related. My appearance and being a success. Certainly there has been plenty of chances to be a success. All the crazy projects I've been involved with haven't failed. Only my really taking advantage of one of more of them. With dress, and being attractive to women, I sometimes say, well, if you don't like me the way I am then that's too bad. This is a superficial explanation. I can't quite get the right words. On to something else. Simone had a Monday night date with Stu. She was with me till 11. She didn't want to go. We were having a very good time, just talking. She told me about my problems with success then. It turned out to be quite good. He was not pushy for the first time. Maybe it had something to do with his new girlfriend in Amherst, or his mother dying. He told her that is she moved in with me that he wouldn't see her anymore. But she pointed out that this was the case for all practical purposes. Laura, his boss, asked him to try and persuade Simone not to move in with me. She had a good time sexually. In the morning she went to see Michael. He told her to take a shower before she came into his room. This after learning she had spent the night with Stu. This also went well, until she was about to leave. He doesn't want her to move in till May 1st. Then the money fight starts. He does not want to let go of her. This move means the end of many of the little holds he has on her. They still have lots of things in common at her old place. Then the argument about not seeing her until March 23. It seems that Constance is monogamous and faithful and he doesn't want her to know that he's going out with Simone and a third woman. Simone then goes to Ellen's house where she has to take another shower! And we learn more about Ellen and her getting beaten up. She didn't tell the whole story. It seems someone in a car was driving by, tried to block her from her running, jumped out and then started to beat her up. Simone gives me the impression that we will learn still more about exactly what happened.

Visited the dentist today. First time in over 2 years. Blood pressure is 115 over 66. Below normal, but that is supposed to be quite good. Blood pressure at the dentist's? The teeth were quite good too except for some plaque in a few places. My gums still appear to be receding. But its always looked like that. The hygienist suggested and gave me a soft brush. And some toothpaste to desensitize the area between gum and tooth. She was quite attractive. No overtly sexual fantasies about her but thinking - what is she thinking? Did she seem a little depressed? I've been thinking about women a lot these last few days. Judy, Roberta (Judy's friend), Bonnie, Karen, Eleanor, Colleen, and Linda. I want more contact with them. Then comes the struggle between work, fear of rejection, and how much trouble it will be. Too bad its not as easy for men as women. It was anxiety producing on FH to have a woman ask me to fuck, but it sure looks good from here. Sometimes about calling Lloyd for that woman Sybil's number.

Went shopping. Forgot toilet paper again. I am cooking tonight. Simone has left directions. Some sort of Mexican food. Business is good. The weather has gotten cold again. What is this? Nothing but superficial chit-chat comes out. Very tired. Little sleep that last week it seems.

Lots of things happening. Ellen was mad at Simone for telling Ron that his therapist was sleeping with her. It seems Ron was one of his few clients at $50 per hour. He said he didn't want to see him again. The therapist, Marcus, calls Ellen and rakes her over the coals. He is also Ellen's therapist. Very unprofessional of him. Ellen says he doesn't want to see her again. And the same for that big mouth friend (Simone) of yours, he finishes. So Ellen blasts Simone for telling all. Ellen was sort of glad he ended it. He kept a lot of things from me, she says. I don't like to have secrets like that, she says. The night Ellen was attacked Saul was waiting for her. She sent him home and took the phone off the hook. Saul then goes to the open arms of Constance, Michael's true, monogamous, and faithful lover! Meantime, everybody has filled out and sent in their latest applications for weekend workshops on how to be more honest and open in ones relationships. Simone and I have a fine time with all this. She gets completely excited. Jumping around, hardly finishing one dirty little story before she has started the next. We laugh and shout over every little detail. We are like two naughty children who have discovered some very nasty things about the adult world. We also snicker and gloat about these things. The not so positive reaction to all these goings ons. It seems a little like an escape from our own problems. Not that it makes ours go away, but that it puts them aside temporarily. But on the other hand it also makes them seem sort of irrelevant. They really aren't so bad compared to these people.

Did you know that The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition, has been published on Amazon? Buy the whole thing for 99 cents and read it on a kindle (or kindle software for your Mac or PC), here:

A Memoir About Art & Sex During The Reagan Years (The Cambridge Chronicles, 1981 Edition)

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #959,201 (April 8, 2013)

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