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Monday, March 12, 2007

Wednesday, February 11, 1981

Simone has just asked me for a pen. What color, I say. I don't care'
It is not a pleasant tone of voice. For the second night she has been
struggling with me. Tonite it is about whether or not people, other
than her, will sleep here, the place where both of us will be living,
or at the other person's place. She talks with Michael about it now.
She talks with everyone about it. Trying to raise support for her
position. Last night we fought, but first about whether we would
share the same bedroom. It was the same. I want my cwn room. She wants
to have it with me. Its a fight that's happened at least 3 times
before. But its getting close to her moving here. I tell her that
restrictions on my relationships with other people are not possible.
It is possible that someone I'm very close to may want to live with
us. She already has me and Dana. But she says Dana tells her he won't
sleep with her when I'm here. This is | his problem. In the end she
may have to leave me and find someone else who will do ; what she
wants. She won't gaurantee how she'll act if anything happens in front
of | her. Last night in a bar in Brookline, five of us, me, Simone,
Dana, Donna, and Carol, talked about it. Donna said she couldn't do
anything like this. She leaves alone most of the time. She has a
boyfriend on the West Coast. She's the sort who prefers a little
distance. Carol wanted to talk about Disneyland, San Diego, and the
rest of her recent trip to California. She did not like the
seriousness of the talk. I She also felt left out and that the
spotlight was being taken away f m m her. But people are more inclined
to join in an interesting conversation rather than superficial
chatter. There is a lot of tension between us. She stills talks to
Michael on the phone. I don't know how to be more straight tf onward
with her. These little rules of hers are only to prevent situations
where her own difficulties come out. She knows she wants exactly the
same for herself. She wants a deeper relationship with Dana, and has
probably thought of Michael living with us. It is probably only their
difficulties that prevent it. If they could do it I'm sure she would
be quite agreeable. None of the others want this though. Jeff told
her today that he wouldn't sleep with her again l if she moved in
here. She uses every little angle and trick to try and dislodge me
from my position. She is talking with Michael about marriage right
this very moment. Trying to cover all the bases, just in case things
don't work out here. They won't l for just this reason. Imagining that
something might go wrong soon leads to the first tiny clue that,
indeed, something is going wrong. Maybe the first clue is not even in
| the right direction, but it is a clue' It can be interpreted in the
right direction. Now they are arguing about who left who and under
what circumstances. Should I endure the pain now, get out of it and
start again, she asks him. Dana doesn't want her to marry Michael
because of his fucked up parts, again, I'm am overhearing more of
their phone conversation. You started going out with Linda one week
after we broke up, she throws at him. Will you sleep with me when
Richard's here? (more overhearing) But I have my own things.
Compulsion today. Touching my fingers. It sounds strange, but is an
old habit. Michael says he's sleeping with two other women now, and
Simone | makes three, and that's too much to handle. I can't seem to
escape it. Its time to try something else to get out of this rut. You
know sex and love have been the same for me ever since I've gone out
with Skip. More Simone there. I can't keep my ears off the
conversation. Michael, you know we have the best sex together. You
don't want to come inside me because you don't want to totally let go.
I don't have great orgasm with Richard. I do with you. It turns out
that I have the best orgasms with Linda. Do you remember the first
night that I met you and said that I wanted to fuck you? You have the
same problem that we all have Michael. Its hard for you to feel loved.
If you cant feel loved by me then you won't feel loved by anybody. Its
my own fear. I don't know if Richard's going to hurt me. You're saying
no sex, because I can't handle it. Why am I getting sexually excited
right now, he asks her. Its stupid all these people rejec- ting each
other because they are afraid of being rejected. I go to Simone while
she is on the phone and kiss her many times, very loudly. Michael says
he won't see her for a week. I go back and kiss her some more. Now
Michael won't see you for two weeks, I say. And then a third time. Not
for three weeks, you won't see her, I say. I close the door. She is
trying to rescue her relationship with him. Best to let them dig up
their graves and really see what's there. A compulsive day. My
fingers. Touching the four fingers with the thumb. Both hands at the
same time. Mathematical patterns. Touch them in one direction, then
the other. Thumb on index finger, move it and touch the middle, and so
on. Other patterns. Start with the little finger and go the other way.
Do it one direction twice, then the other direction twice. Reverse it.
Reverse a combination of both these patterns. And so on with great and
increasing complexity until I have lost count, or my thoughts take me
away from it. My stepfather used to mimic me when he saw me do this.
It went on for awhile. Then I stopped doing it so overtly or often.
Don't remember when it started. Maybe about 14 or 15. It stopped after
some months. Still do it, but very carefully, when nobody is around.
Today, for instance. This thing with Simone. It causes lots of
anxiety. I get nervous. Have some fights in my head about it. Start
this finger touching thing. Catch myself. Scrapping my feet also. I
touch the toe and heel with every step. Always trying to touch the
same number of times with both feet. Its a compulsion to try and make
it the same number of times with both feet if I miss. Grandmother
always told me to stop dragging my feet. It usually went with the head
bent down, looking at the ground in front of me as I walked along.
What did I fret about then? I was only a little boy. What do little
boys fret about? Would there be any friends around to play with? Would
I get an ice cream bar that night? Would I be able to watch something
on TV? Or was I having fights with someone then? Did I fight with her
about what I could or couldn't do? I can't remember. For some ten
years it has been fighting with one woman or another. Or murderous
fantasies about offing someone. Sexual fantasies about some of the
girls I liked. Or what life would be like when I finally got out of
there and away from home. I remember running and shooting games in the
dark. I never wanted it to end. Someone always called me home. It was
total catharsis. Yelling and screaming and killing. Nothing was held
back. It went on to exhaustion. But then it went on still more. In the
third grade we played a running game. In the beginning one person I
was it in the middle of a big field. All the others were on one side
of the field. The object was to run to the other side without getting
caught or tagged by the person who was it. You were on that person's
side when he tagged you. Then everyone had to run again, to the other,
original, side. It went on till the people who were it had tagged
everyone. I played with the older kids, up to highschool. Sometimes I
would be the last one caught. I was only 8 or 9. It made me like a
wild animal. I put the fear of death in me to keep going. It was
unbelieveably exciting. The twisting and turning | and dodging needed
to escape. Every sense became magnified. Balance and coordination were
not normal. Sometimes I would have the feeling of tearing myself apart
to move in a way that would allow me to escape being caught. This
image of the playing field and their relationship to the school
buildings is a vivid image in my mind. The tricks and fakes to get
away from a chaser gave me the chance to be creative. I would always
come up with same new move. In second grade I managed to keep a ball
away from all the other boys in my class. They took turns chasing me.
I wasn't caught. Finally I threw the ball away. It was clear they
wouldn't catch me. But then I ask, is this the way it really happened,
or only my desire rusting away at memories. There are same parts of it
I know to be imagination. But what parts? Simone asks if I really
wrote down her conversation with Michael. Now she reads it and makes
corrections to what I have written. Carol didn't go to Disneyland or
San Diego. Jeff said he wouldn't sleep with me here, Amory Street, not
that he wouldn't ever sleep with again. Maybe those are the only
corrections? She just reads now. Dana has gone out for the evening. He
doesn't tell Simone or me as he doesn't want it written about in these
notes. Then an idea' Why not call some of the possibilities and say is
Dana still there? This will tell me who it is or who it isn't. Simone
has to correct me on same other points about Michael. He says he will
see her 3 times next week. You have some weird perceptions, she says.
He didn't say he wouldn't see me for three weeks. In fact he said he
would marry me if things continued to go so well for us. Aha! Exactly
my prediction of same weeks ago. I remind her of this. She has to
modify it further. No, he said he was open to the possibility, not to
marrying me. He wants to know if he can trust me. Can she I tolerate
not having sex with me' Michael asks? That would make you a lot more
acceptable to me. Simone tells me a clue about Dana. He says something
about walking down to the office with her if she wants to go there.
That means it must be the redhead' She's the only one in that
direction. But now the question is, who called who? He mentioned
having a date with her tomorrow. Just now Simone says Michael asked
her to come over this evening, but you have to sleep on the couch, he
says. No thanks she says. Why not go out this Friday, Simone asks. No,
you weren't clear about what you wanted and I've asked someone else,
he says. Michael tells her he will see her at least once a month
forever, regardless of who she is with or married to. Just now another
idea. That rascal Dana, its about him. I think that if it were
arranged so

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