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Friday, March 9, 2007

Tuesday, February 3, 1981

It seems like a depression. Difficult to get up. Slow to fall asleep.
I lie in bed resisting getting started. Thinking about all the work
that must be done. Spending the time on sexual fantasies. Reading
Nietzsche's Beyond Good And Evil. It seems to be about what's wrong
with philosophers of the past and what philosophy might be like, or
how it might approach things in the future. Nothing's happening.
Boring. Lotti asks me for some advice about her relationships last
night. Seems the men involved are always saying she wants to much from
them. She's smothering them. I tell her it is a common complaint from
men about women. Try some other relationships, spend some time with me
and the people I live with. I tell her she has too many expectations
of them and they can't stand the pressure. Judy called-me last night
to help her move some furniture. Then she wants to have lunch. I
suspect it is more like a bribe. She knows I like her and will do most
anything to get her attention. Its true. She only has to ask.
Unfortunately, she doesn't ask enough. But recently I have noticed
something very interesting about her behavior. The first thing is a
certain quality in her voice. It is much softer and more open. The
second thing is what she tells me about her other relationships.
Namely, the difficulties. Her doubts about continuing the way it is
with Steven. Almost like a panic about having to make a choice about
going somewhere with him if he leaves the area. And at times that she
wants to end it. Myself I feel a little like a piece of cheese being
used by a cat to bait a mouse Not that she does this consciously, but
I am certainly not above using one of my relationships as a lever to
improve or move another. But on the other hand, one good one makes me
more secure in trying to start another. She could be doing this also.
But it is so slow. I want to blame her for this. But I look at myself
and see all the mistakes. Each one has slowed or crippled progress. So
I help her move this chair. We get it from Michael's house. He won't
help her. He doesn't want to go into her house. Anybody but Steven
can help her pick it up - but not him! She is 3 very aggressive today.
Pulling my hat over my eyes. Keeping it away from me. Not watching how
she is driving. Talking loud and in spurts. She wants to fight. Its
good she doesn't have much experience being aggressive. Lots of
problems with the job as its ending in a few months. Doesn't know
what's going to happen to her relationship with Steven. He may just go
away. She really wants to fight with him to see if he can take it.
Will he run away? Will he turn tail and become a wimp? Will it freak
him out? Will he still want her after its over? Stay tuned. I suggest
rewriting her resume. I volunteer to help. But I've got to be off for
downtown and my luncheon date with Susan. She's interested in my notes
and me after a two hour conversation about FH and related things. It
doesn't go. She thinks I perceive things too differently from her. Oh
well. A bit of rejection. Some chocolate. A chocolate-chip cookie.
Suddenly everything is much better. Evening. More calls for next
Saturday's party. I have called many people. A lot who I would
normally pass over because of anxieties. A question. Do I manage to
call them because the anxiety is being held down, or because the
problem is being overcome? Is it being done from feeling or from
compulsion and/or an idea of what should be done? Am I guided by
desire or craziness? How do people manage to convince themselves
something is happening in their life when they live alone? Stuck
again. I think about writing something then see it as propaganda,
dogma, a personal party line, my own ideas, with no connection to the
facts. How to say this. Nonsense. Most of what I say. Its hard to
separate the real feeling from the past echo still reverberating
around inside me. Its mostly stuff that just spills out, like a
garbage can being tipped over. And the shit inside' Sometimes a
valuable thing gets thrown out. But who would notice or even want to
look? The Garbage Can School of Personal Development. Get rid of all
your garbage. Two consecutive weekends. $500.

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