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Sunday, March 11, 2007

Tuesday, February 10, 1981

So many things in the last few days - where to start? Just talked to
Sten about his going back to FH. On the surface he seems quite cool.
But there must be some kind of fight going on. Some internal pressure.
Thursday is the day. Maybe and maybe not. I was assaulted by Deanna
last night. Fortunately my size and strength were sufficient to
overcome her intensity. She still claims to be owed money. The police
came. I don't feel competant to handle violence. The animal in me
really came out. Had she been a little more vicious I might have done
more than get her out of my way. She threw water in my face and
refused to let me leave the office. The police told her to file a
court complaint. I was shaking and extremely agitated by it. Almost 24
hours later I am still shaking a bit from it. Hopefully it is over.
Yesterday started as a very good day. At the beginning Linda called,
about 7 in the morning. We meet at the Harvard Square bus station and
take the subway to her place. Our original intent was to have
breakfast. So we wait at her place for someone to show up with paints.
No show. The subway to South Station. Inside she suddenly is startled
by something, says, oh, I forgot something. Stops at a newstand for a
book of matches. She wants coffee and something to eat from the deli.
You have to have a muffin or something, she insists. I almost ask her
if she is my mother. No, I don't want anything, I say. Yes, you've got
to have something she insists. Ok, one of those pastries. Come into
the train with me, she insists again. Put her stuff on the seat, go to
the space between two cars. She turns around, back to me and says
don't look. She's doing something. Lights a match. It goes out.
Another. Turns around and presents me with a pastry and a candle - a
surprise birthday cake. She sings happy birthday' And then its
goodbye. This is a new typeface. These two balls came in the mail
yesterday. Certainly is smaller. ~. Here's the other one. Didn't have
it on right the first time. Seems to be a little difference. Now the
question of the one being in the right place - llllll, and now the
lllllll. They are both the same. But there is no real exclamation
mark' I have to type it with a period, backspace, and the a single
quote. What a bother' The two type balls have to be cleaned. Walking
to the post office yesterday with a nagging sensation of having
forgotten something. Then it turned to the idea of am I doing enough.
Is there anything I'm leaving out, not thinking about. I have this
feeling of so many things to write about, but can't discipline myself
to do. And not only that but I feel a very strong urge to do so
lately. I have been getting some interesting impressions or pictures.
Its like a picture where you make a single brushstroke and it doesn't
mean much. But in time, with many strokes, a picture begins to appear.
It is not clear what the picture is yet, but only the sensation of one
appearing. Lots of things happening often leads me to new ideas and
explanations. New directions, new things to try. Simone has been
feeling this with all the people who are in love with her. Why can't
only one person love me, she asks. You must become an emotional
fascist and stop them from loving you, I say. Tell them to stop having
these feelings. Only one person should have them. But it doesn't work
that way. Who wants to have these feelings controlled by another
person? Mark, who still works at the Quarterway, calls and asks if she
has came back to me, or left ~ as he wants her to. I think he is in
love with her also. Dana also is getting a little agitated by the
situation. An outburst at her for saying he has more than a simple ~
friendship with her. But its obviously more than that. With all the
sexual things ~ l they do together, the intimate times we all spend
together' clearly indicate he has more of a relationship with her and
any of the women he sleeps with. Simone tells me an interesting fact
about Dana - that he has not had, until very recently, a relation-
ship with an unmarried, or unattached woman' They have all been with
someone else. This makes it emotionally safer for him. And if he
succeeds in pulling her away from who he is with, then it clearly
indicates how attached the woman is to him. Simone is making more of
her veiled hints at monogamy, having children, the value of having one
good relationship versus many casual affairs, like Dana, she
frequently adds. And 3 Dana has botched another relationship. m e
redhead invited him over yesterday. She all but raped him. Jumped in
his lap, sung him love songs. She wants to fuck him, but is not, as
she thinks she is, able to be direct about it. There I go again, a
little bit of resentment creeping in. Perhaps its not evident in the
words just written, but I notice it, just a little in myself. Anyway,
she is probably too much for him. He prefers less intense, more
subdued women like Lois or Carol. He can be the one to dominate.
Simone and I are having sexual difficulties. Its ok at the beginning,
but she soon gets very dry. The last two times have made my prick
almost raw. It smarts a little. She has a burning sensation also. mere
is this impression I have of her faking lots of little things, pushing
to hard, tightening up at unexpected times. I can't feel connected to
her. It gets better sometimes when I just stop everything and tell her
what's going on. I find myself unconsciously fucking but preoccupied
with something else in my head. This morning I ask her and she is
thinking about how big Joe's prick must be. She notices a change in
Michael's behavior. He is mare open with her, more loving. But at the
same time says that there can't be any sexual activity between them.
God knows why, but that's what he says. He has asked her to cancel
the birthday surprise party for me next Saturday and go out with him
instead. Aha! Forcing her to make decisions. Last night she admits to
wanting to do this. She is struggling over it. She has come up with
the idea to try and get Cheyenne to my party. Or even Otto' Or my
mother. A thought just now. That Michael's idea for no sex with her
now might be turned around by him if they go back together. He
mentioned indirectly such a thing just recently to her. I don't-
remember exactly how, but he still has the wish to do it. I talk with
Sten about all these things and it agrees that things are heating up.
Same violence will be next he thinks. Not overtly, but Michael's
asking Simone to cancel my party is more the sort he means. It is a
though Simone is feeling tossed between to poles and has to make a
decision to stick with one of them. Sometimes I get this feeling, but
it never lasts for long. A violent fantasy on the subway. A young
black guy starts smoking next to me. A shotgun blast puts an end to
his face - and the cigarette. Another new customer for my business
while stopping at TERC in Harvard Square. I begin to feel myself go
out of control with all the events of these days. Like being whirled
around by a tornado. A feeling of no place, no solid place to put my
feet. As though anything could happen. Yesterday I felt very good.
Thinking about my various relationships, and that something may
develop from them. Sunday afternoon with Judy. I gave in to the way
she wants to do her resume. We didn't wrestle on the bed. Only a short
chance to be a little perverse. I like to feel through a woman's pants
or dress to the edge of her underwear. Then to slip a finger just
under the edge of the underwear and run the finger all the way around
her leg. Very gently, to tickle her just a little. From this I can
tell how far I have to go. It's a very horny game for me. She let me
do it several times in the hallway. I try to be sensitive to the
places that cause the most sensation or excitement. Just now the
impression that this writing is being done to fill paper. The
typewriter is turned on and off. On and off, to decide if even to
write this. Turn it off and go do something else. Later. A thought
about writing more about last Saturday nights party. Or continue with

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