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Thursday, March 1, 2007

Thursday, January 22, 1981

Last night a surprise from Dana. He suggests we have an SD evening. He
has been reading my notes from when I was first on FH. It seems he has
been doing that every time I see him, for the last 3 days. At one time
he told Simone they were boring. She tells me he enjoys talking
together but it is more comfortable when she is there. We spoke for
some time about being in love, just the two of us. Me and Dana. It was
the most real conversation I have ever had with just him. Mostly its
about the weather, furniture, this or that trivial thing. He seems
quite interested in the SD. That it is a very powerful thing for
discovering ones weaknesses and strengths. I tell him how a weakness
disappears the moment you show it. How difficult it is to be open to
people, to love them. I can't recapture the mood. This is a completely
intellectual description of it. Why do I write? This is something I
asked myself two days ago. For one, to become a better write, second,
to get another picture of myself. Third is something like research. To
discover some new ideas and pictures of life. But also to solve some
practical problems in life. Like how to write every day about what's
going on. How to be more steady in the things I do. How to enjoy what
I do. Writing has become very enjoyable these last few days. Its a
real thrill to be able to pour this stuff out in some way. Not that it
satisfies me, but when I think about the times past when trying to
keep a diary and how naive the writing was ... Maybe I will try to dig
some of that up. I also have the idea to put some other things, like
pictures, poems, drawings, in the book about me - if it ever comes to
that. Otto's green lady. Maybe in color. Some of the drawings by Regi.
Donald Faugno has just called from Sturbridge. I did not go today
because of not feeling well and having so much work to do. It made me
a little nervous. The job interview yesterday was interesting, but not
enough to give up more than 40 hours a week for $25,000 a year. The
interviewer suggested some other frindge benefits but I don't think
so. In any case, I will go visit the school tomorrow and have a closer
look at things. A teaching job still interests me, and there are other
possibilities. My body starts to fail me in some more little ways. I
think again about doing some exercise. It is like everything else, a
lot of momentum to just keep doing the things I am doing now. Its so
difficult to just make a phone call to get it started. So I have just
called about where to get mats for exercising on. They may be too
expensive for now. Today I wiI1 look for some smaller and cheaper
versions. Temporary. Also, to get a tape recorder for playing music.
And some Canned Heat music. I found that to have the best tempo. I am
having trouble getting to the events of last night. Jealousy. To put
it in a word. It started with a phone call from Linda. She was on the
other line. I could tell right away from her voice that something was
up. She switched back to the other line and seemed to drag it out.
Dana noticed it also. Then I switched back to Linda. Until that time
she was not feeling well and was going to just stay here. m en she
decided to go stay with Michael, as she had originally planned.
Before leaving she jokingly said maybe the four of us should do
something together. Me, her, Michael, and Linda. Have dinner, and then
later sleep together. She suggested that Linda would be just perfect
for Michael because they have a similar "problem". I begin to feel
jealous. But very mild. It comes and goes in waves. One moment
desperation. The next its ok. Abandonment. A sinking feeling. Out of
control. She starts to get a distant edge to her voice and behavior.
Her contact with me becomes stiffer. Less eye contact. Even a goodbye
kiss is more formal. I go to the office. She - calls me. Something is
up. She has to confront me about the telephone incident. Points out to
me that I kept her waiting once when she called long distance. And
another thing that escapes me now. The feeling is back. I try some
tricks to keep her on the phone and away from Michael. He doesn't want
to speak to me. It reminds me of the tricks with Regi on FH. Whenever
she slept with another man I would try all sorts of things to disrupt
it or get the attention of everyone, or just do most anything to fight
off the feelings of panic and tension. Sometimes I would attack them
with a pillow, try to force myself between them. All sorts of
confusion and time consuming ploys. Anything to drag out the moment
she would be totally involved with "him". Here its a little different.
Everyone tries to arrange the situation so those feelings don't come
up. Its called an open relationship. But in fact it is closed to the
sort of feelings that are created by the situation. What one doesn't
know won't make you jealous. Michael seems to be putting himself more
into the Competition for her. He wants to arrange more time with her.
I will have to work harder. She says he knows exactly what to do to
get more of her. I think she uses the ambiguous situation of her
moving in with me as a means to get him to come after her. She still
has her doubts about me. Even while saying that I am afraid to get
close to her. She still believes it is necessary to decide absolutely
on one of us. That once married she will suddenly not have the same
feelings about the other. And of course I am still not convinced of
her proclamations of undying love for me. She has doubts, every day,
just like me. The only problem is her idea that she must decide on one
of us eventually. She was having a difficult time on the phone last
night. My tricks were getting to her. I noticed that the way she tried
to get distance from me had more than one quality. One thing would
fail as I chip away at her, and so she tries a different tack. But
still some subtle difference that is difficult to put in words. A
definite feeling. The feeling was that this person is trying to avoid
contact with me, I know it. It was an unmistakable sensation, but done
in several different ways. Its so IMPOSSIBLE to describe this' Very
Frustrating. To be able to do this would be like solving an
existential puzzle, a life paradox. It eludes me. A mirage. I look in
the wrong place? Where to look? I sit here pondering this like a
mathematics puzzle. But it holds my attention quite unlike any math
problem I've ever done. Am I the mirage? Is she the mirage? Not the
person, but rather the feelings evoked. Maybe the place to look is
reality. How trite. But I think if there really were more people and
we had a group living situation then But I imagine that everyone
will really be dedicated to doing something about their difficulties.
From experience I know this isn't so. Its true of me. I avoid these
difficulties by being stubborn, and show that stubborness is one of my
difficulties. Most people will make excuses to avoid their feelings.
Even Simone, who is one of the best people I have found here, will do
this when it comes to jealousy. Others insist they are not comfortable
and so it your fault, and leave. m They can't stand the way they feel.
that's not what I want to do at this point in my life." But why do I
suddenly get so tense and angry when someone says this? Its the same
for me. I don't want to confront my- self now either. When I get so
mad at someone being closed up. NO. Forget that. What do I mean? I
see someone being really stupid, saying something like its not for me
now. Suddenly, without any conscious effort, I get enraged. They don't
want to have any contact with me. I can't stand this. On the surface
they may be perfectly calm. The explanation may be perfectly calm. But
I am boiling. It almost overwhelms me. I stay calm. Try to think of a
clever reply. But mostly being so mad jumbles everything around and I
can't make any sense. I take it as a personal rejection. I don't
understand on an emotional level that it is someone else's problem. It
has nothing to do with me. I think of the many times people have had
this sort of reaction to me. Of course it felt like I was being
personally rejected. They were rejecting me, in a sense. But sometimes
I am so crazy, or push to hard, that it is the most sensible thing to
do. This is always so uncomfortable. I have a warm feeling in my
face. Almost like feeling a bit ashamed of myself. It often happens
when I think of times my behavior turned people off to me. It is
usually obvious afterward what I did wrong. How I shouldn't have said
this, or how I pushed to hard on something. How to avoid this
rejection inducing behavior? It obviously needs to be avoided at the
moment it happens. A stupidly obvious statement. Well, it is almost
2pm and I am feeling quite satisfied about the amount I have written.
Like a communist quota system. A silly thing, I suppose, but not bad
when I think about how blocked the last week has been. The second hand
on the clock sweeps around and seems to go faster, then slower. But it
seems really to be getting slower. Maybe it is just me. The body is
not working right the last few weeks. Yesterday I had the impression
of cancer. Not in one place, but pervasive. Something feels wrong.
Not enough exercise. Not enough regularity. Not enough of the right
foods. I feel the need to push myself but not to the point where life
is uncomfortable. I have done that too many times in the past. Try to
push in a direction where things are enjoyable. Finished.

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