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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Saturday, February 7, 1981

Depression again. I don't want to get up. Curl up. Suck my thumb.
Masturbate. Afraid of being seen by Dana. Not really. An old anxiety.
Something from a long time ago. Finally I'm up but still feeling in a
daze. Go to work. The post office and bank. Lots of money in the mail
today. I feel better about that. Some bills will get paid. I hang
around the office but don't get anything done. Judy calls. She will be
here at 3 for me to help with her new resume. And so we work on that.
She has lots of resistance to my suggestions about how to do it. I
take a break, make a sandwich, and she reads my most recent notes.
Those just before today. She makes the most positive analysis of
anyone who has read them. m ey cover the present, sometimes digress to
the past and how it influences the present, and ideas for the future,
she says. It has lots of interesting, creative metaphors. There are
lessons every now and then. INteresting insights about you and the
world. Some good generalizations. But the lessons and conclusions are
not preachy or propoganda. There is stream of conscious- ness and also
monitoring of events. It is something where you really want to turn
the next page to learn what happens next, she says. One also learns
little things about life. I am very pleased at what she says. If you
say anything more positive about it, I'll ask you to marry me, I say
to her. She thinks it would be of interest to people of all ages. But
she also suggests that her view may be clouded by knowing me. Why not
give it to someone you know to read, I suggest. At first I think maybe
it should be presented as a novel, fiction. But no, just as someone's
memoirs. She will do this for me. We go back to her resume. My heart
is not in it. I wrestle her to the bed. Bite her back, spank her,
grab her by the neck, growl like a bear, and then lie beside her. She
spanks and pounds me. We hold each other and talk. I like her a lot
and want her. I feel neurotic and fucked up when around you, she says.
Its hard for me to let go. But she likes holding me. It is very
pleasant. How far I get with her surprises me. It goes very easy. Its
much farther than ever before. Maybe next time we will do more, I say.
Time to go. She asks me why I push so hard to develop my
relationships. She does not mean this in a negative way, but that I
keep trying no matter what, and others don't. Perhaps I need it more.
It seems like a very necessary thing to be healthy. But I learned
something very important from this time with her. That's its possible
to develop my relationship more with someone by paying attention to
how comfortable things are. Other times I would have pushed on her and
not realized it until too late. This time I was aware and sensitive to
what was possible with her. She knows about her resistance. We talked
about her relationship with Steven and how she often wished someone
were there to say you are doing this and you are doing that. It can
be done when people live together and talk to each other and do things
together. And pay attention to each other. Dana, Simone, and I do
this. Just then she calls from LA and says how she misses us here. I
have missed her a lot this last week. I've never been so aware of how
important contact with women is as this last week. Most everything has
not gone well for me. Depressions, not getting up, tired, and being
something or other. It is the next day and its all forgotten. We had a
big party lad night. 60-70 people came. As many as 30+ at one time. A
beautiful redhead named Suzanne, who played the harp and did psychic
readings. She was very lively. Kissed me as she left. Deborah's old
roommate. She gets invited again' She was interested in FH for a
while. She read some of my notes. Peter was the first to arrive.
Mostly no, all men for the first 45 minutes. Suzanne was the first
woman. The next big surprise was Liebe. Absolutely gorgeous. I would
have tried to start something with her if she'd stayed longer. She
definitely gets invited again' I could not believe the difference from
when I last saw her. Then it was as a hippie/artist/farmer. Now she is
somewhat like a chic New York fashion model. And so stylishly
dressed. Dana's sister came with a woman, Kathy, who I would have
swooned all over, if only she hadn't kept retreating from me. She was
very beautiful and soft looking. I was having fantasies of getting a
normal job, dressing normally, and asking her to marry me and have
children. The idea just overwhelmed me. She reminds me of Joan Hale.
The first woman I fell in love with after leaving Cody. She worked in
the bookkeeping department of a Washington DC department store. I
became ga-ga over her. But she wanted someone more normal. Or at least
someone who looked more normal. For awhile I managed to change my
appearance to try and attract her. It was a very uncomfortable thing
to do. I wanted to do whatever was necessary to get her, but it was
all such an act, or so it felt to me. I was not comfortable doing it.
I failed anyway. I think of her sometimes. A woman like Kathy
hypnotizes me into that time. And Jeannette, another surprise. She and
Gina came dressed as runk pockers. Dressed to kill. Some almost didn't
recognize them. She is not living with Vinnie. A few days ago she
seemed quite satisfied. But she's like that. She'll end a situation of
that sort very quickly for one reason or another. She said to me, you
were right. But I'm not sure exactly what I she meant. Was it about
things changing back and forth, or did I say something about what I
thought would happen with her and Vinnie? A phone call from someone
who left their sweater here last night. No matter, but she came,
kissed me, was her usual affectionate self, stayed for awhile, and
left. For parts unknown, or to be a bad girl like her old days? Or to
abuse herself. I don't know what it is with her at times. Such a lot
of life energy, and so much of it goes to self-destructive behavior. I
really don't know what to do when I hear about these things from her.
She seems totally honest about it to me, but as though she is a
helpless victim of it, like it is being done outside her control. I
worry that she will get herself pregnant again. I have the urge to be
very protective of her but helpless myself. What can be done? Who but
her can do it? She is very good at resisting any efforts from me.
Sometimes I think maybe that pushes her the wrong way even more. She
reminds me of my sister. Complete self-confidence, l but in reality
like a baby at the controls of an airplane. Who wants to fly with
that? And why am I so attracted so much to someone like this? Could it
be so I am always the one who is in control at the times things are
bad for her? No, that's not quite it. So I can be superior with a
fallen woman? I danced, or tried with her, for a little while.
Certainly I envy the way she moves herself. A long phone conversation
with Linda. I tell her about the party and what happened with
different people. How I am feeling jealous of Dana and that he has
more success, by numbers, with women. He is more able to attract them
to him in the short term. I tell Linda about my feeling of confidence
about the women I like now. Her, Simone, Judy, Jeannette, Liebe. And
how everything could turn to shit in two days. At the moment I feel
positive about all of them. And they are positive about me. Its like
an emotional roller-coaster. But I don't want it to continue like
this. How to get things more stable? Certainly if we all lived
together. But now its a problem to get close to them when they just
knew of the others. Dana is making some sort of moves with Carol. Lois
seems to be responding to this by giving more of her attention to Joe.
Speculation. I find myself with an odd feeling. One moment talking
with people, seeming to have some connection. The next walking down to
the other side of the party and feeling like I'm in some sort of
twilight zone. Completely disconnected. Lots of people making long
drawn out thanks yous for inviting them to this lovely party. Big
smiles, grins. Something artificial about it. Fake. It makes me a bit
uncomfortable when people carry on at such lengths. I get the feeling
its not genuine, that its forced. Its better with those who just put
on their coats and say goodbye. Or like Jeannette, hug and kiss me,
and then say goodbye. S ten shows up and returns my notes. He wants
to read the second half. He says its very good. That its a good way
for me to come out with myself. His advice is to just write for
myself. To not let the idea of getting published influence what I
write in any way. I am pleased to hear this, but lately worry about
exactly this happening. I sit here and write this and say to myself -
there is a fight going on inside me to try to continue to write just
for myself, and to not let it be influenced by y fame and fortune
fantasies. Karyn comes just after Ron, about 1 in the morning. Its an
odd feeling with her. Would she stay if asked? Do I really want to
ask? It goes back and forth. She seems to linger. My imagination? But
this Kathy keeps coming back into my head. Sexual fantasies. Fucking
with her. She is several months pregnant. From behind. The suburbs. I
almost can't believe this. Its like a flood. Washing over me. Trying
to consciously think of other things. But it comes back. Out of my
control. Images of total passion. Always fucking. We are delerious.
But I recognize this. Anyone really out of my reach can generate these
fantasies. With Simone I don't have it. I have her. With Linda I have
the fantasies a little, but don't have her as much as Simone. After
yesterday with Judy I notice a drop in the intensity of my fantasies
about her. For awhile there was something with the redhead Suzanne,
but she seems totally fixated on things like dreams, fairy tales, and
psychic phenomenon. Maybe it is paranoia but it seems she avoids me.
More paranoia that she kissed Dana with more affection when she left?
It seemed a little stiffer and forced with me. Could I be jealous?
Over a gorgeous woman with fantastic red hair and a very nice body?
Dana asks to read the notes. So he gets the first two Sunday pages.
Its my birthday. 36. Two times 36 is 72. Is my life half over? I don't
want to face it. But everyone in your family lives to be much older,
you say. That means you really have more time. Don't worry about it
you say? Why a feeling of panic? Why do I always think time is running
out. It happened the same even 10 years ago. Ten years before that I
was waiting to be older so I could really do something with my life.
Here I am, and wishing it was twenty years ago, but knowing what I
know today. 50 why don't I know what I'll know in another 10 years?
Sometimes I think, yes, you know what you will know in ten years now.
The real problem is that you are not doing as much as you can imagine,
or as much as you want. So the answer to that is to just do all those
things in your imagination. Don't be so afraid. What, after all, do
you really have to *****. I can never remember, is it lose, or is it
loose? You know what I mean. It feels like I will break down and cry.
It comes a little ways out and then fades. This woman keeps jumping
back into my mind. Its like in the movies. Her face suddenly fills the
entire screen. She does not look directly at me. Always a little down,
or to one side. I tell her how beautiful she is. How attracted I am to
her. But she has another idea of what she wants in a man and withdraws
from me. At one point she moves around behind the kitchen table, which
is already pushed nearly against the wall. She seems to pick up
another cigarette each time I approach her. She is uncomfortable from
my attention. I imagine what sort of man she would like. There is one
like that here. He is reasonably well dressed. Very normal. Also very
dull and boring. But that's only to me. She would want someone with
those qualities. But probably not just this one. Dana asks me about
Ann and Elizabeth. He found them | both very seductive, especially
Elizabeth, who is the older. He thought that Ann, especially, was on
the prowl. Very sexual, like an animal. Last time I saw her she was
very subdued, squashed. Maybe she's trying to let some of this out.
She was certainly more lively this evening. Dana comments on my notes.
Interesting, he says. ! I found it interesting what you perceived
about the evening. Where did that comment about me trying to start
something with Carol come from? Out of nowhere. Or so he says! But I
notice just a touch of his not liking what's been written. He is not
explicit, but there is the impression that he doesn't want it to be
seen that way. An awkward moment with Carol. We are talking about
writing, creativity, thinking about writing for publication. Then on
to more personal things like what's happening with me and Simone and
Michael coming over for breakfast tomorrow. She wonders about the
problems. There are some parts to it. One is that Simone feels no
contradiction or problem being with me and Michael. She likes us both.
It makes sense. She feels good] But when she and Linda are with me it
is something else. If not, then she will manage ' to create something.
She knows enough about her past to suddenly discover enough wrong with
her in the present. She mentions how some people can make a decision
to not have this be a problem. To me this is nothing more than a
temporary fake, or resisting what is really going on, what the person
is really feeling. She says that

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