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Saturday, March 3, 2007

The Cambridge Chronicles - Sunday, January 25, 1981

Its getting hard to write again. The other day I was thinking, Hey,
what if I become a famous writer, and someone is reading this in the
far future? What would I say to such a person? You stupid shit' Forget
it and go do something. But I have these what-if,
in-the-future-dreams, often. Why? Always hoping something I want will
con. about. Today I was thinking how everything seems to he going
well. My relationships are holding together. It looks like more people
will be living here. Linda wants to live here if she decides to leave
art school. But its not solid. Everyone is still subject to being
nudged by too much feeling and going off by themselves. Only Simone
seems determined enough about what she wants to put up with present
and probable future difficulties. Can I say my believing there will be
future difficulties cause them to be created? So I get excited about
the present and fail to see the situation as it really is, and then
expect the worst of the future. Simone has just read these notes. She
freaks out at the possibility of Linda living with us. She wants to
"confront that asshole about hanging up the telephone on me". It is
only her jealousy. She becomes loud and vicious. Incredible tension.
She is afraid of being abandoned, rejected. She has no distance to the
feeling. She lets it eat her alive. Its gets a little calmer. Dana
likes the idea that she thinks enough of us to want to live with us.
He thinks it quite complimentary. But I have a very nervous feeling.
She continues to be confrontational. Accuses me of being incapable of
having an intimate couple relationship. I remind her of others who
reject her and how it is related to smothering. By her. My face feels
very warm. My hands are quite cold. Shaking a little bit all over.
Feeling hyper. I hide the scissors in my room. She has picked up
weapons and thrown things at me before. Dana says he wants to leave
and go to the movie. Tell me about it later, he says. We convince him
to stay. He is a part of this. I play a joke about going to the movies
with Dana. Leaving Simone here alone with Linda. She says I am afraid
to go and leave her with Linda. I go to my room and write this. She
can call me if she wants. It seems Linda is here. I continue to type.
She can get me if necessary. It seems I get a little more nervous.
Didn't I say that already? But now I wonder what's going on in there?
I hear just a little bit of someone talking. How can I keep my mind on
another topic? Can't. Do I hear them talking or not? Now I hear
something. Not clear. But something. Everything is washed away. Not a
thing else comes up for me. I leave the two combatants to battle it
out. What if this happens every time someone new moves in with us? How
would it go with Judy Levy? Jeannette Tremblay? Michael Jaro? Simone
always asks me what it would be like if Michael moved in. Wouldn't you
feel jealous, she asks. Yes, but it wouldn't be so bad that I would
start thinking of reasons why not to or why he should leave. What is
this warm feeling in my face? Its like a constant feeling of being
embarrassed. But not really. Its also fear. I can hear more talking.
It seems to be a bit louder. I open the door and listen. Linda is
getting the better of the situation. She understands there may be
problems, but she hasn't decided to move in, its only speculation. We
will have to wait and see, she says. Should I decide to move in, then
I'll have to spend time to get to know you better, she says. But now I
want to spend what little time left today with Richard. I'd like to
spend some time just with you Simone, but not now. Another time. She
comes to me in my room. I tell her she won this one. The score is now
tied one to one. She has forgotten about the last interaction she had
with Simone. She is very sassy with me. I see another, more assertive,
self-knowledgeable, side of her. She wants to fuck and takes my
clothers off. We are under the covers. Simone enters, I'll see you
later this evening, she says, and slams the door. It amuses me. Linda
thinks it rude. In the beginning its difficult to get an erection.
The tension from the situation is still in me. We talk while fucking.
Then I come into her from behind. It is one of the best times we have
had together. It seems as though I have gotten over a hurdle and
something, once bound up inside me, has come unstuck. Linda says she
has learned a lot from her relationship with me. Today I learned a lot
about her. But she jumps up right away and is gone. She takes same of
my FH notes to read. I will go to visit her next weekend. Simone will
be on her way to California.

On the one hand I imagine myself orchestrating the whole situation.
That I am in command, and know exactly what to do next. But mostly
things are just developing. I have an idea about what things might be
like, then make little experiments to see if it can be created. But
the situation could reverse very rapidly. Its happened to me before.
Sometimes I imagine that, like Otto, I've found my Claudia, Teresa,
and Eva. But there isn't so much difference between me and them, as
there is between Otto and the others. Mostly it is my imagination that
I'm like him or capable of what he's done. On the other hand things
have not fallen apart. Simone probably will survive this incident.
Dana tells me her interrupting was from trying to figure out what sort
of "Richard Gardner trick" I'd try at a time like this. She almost
pulled it off but the door slaming gave her away. I was only amused.
Now she will probably think of trying something like this. Maybe I
will come over and she will be in bed with another man. Like a poker
game. But we learn a lot of important things with every new hand we
play. She could make a date with me and then cancel at the last
moment. Or maybe start introducing me to a lot of her other men
friends. Or change her behavior so Michael is more comfortable and
wants to spend more time with her. Maybe go away on that vacation he
suggested to her just recently. Or maybe just make lots more dates
with other men. The next chapter should be exciting. Don't you think
so? In the beginning it was a heated argument with lots of emotions
coming out. In time it settled down. The world did not end. We have
experienced a new threshhold of ourselves, and learned that it is not
so bad. I may have to face this situation again, but once done it
really feels behind me.

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