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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Cambridge Chronicles - January 20, 1981

A sinking feeling, desperate, on my way to the post office. Will I
ever get out of this rut? Will I keep churning my wheels and getting
nowhere? A feeling that time is going too fast for, of being left
behind again. I think of how to change the situation. Last night
late to bed. Simone and I talk about her moving in. She talks about
"our" room. I want my own room. She wants to share one. A struggle.
Tensions. She argues that we will have to share a room only
temporarily, until we get a bigger place. I think she has just made
up this rationalization. She knows its true, but in the beginning
denies it. She spent some time in a bar with Tom Howard last night.
He didn't want her to call and tell me they were there. He thought I
would come over, as its nearby. He wanted to be alone with her. He
is still thinking about an affair, also divorce. Debbie is too boring
for him. But he needs a stable, reliable person like her. He bet
Simone $5 that I would come to the bar. She won. Later she, Dana,
and I are talking about this and other things. They plan to give
these courses, but the ad is wrong, and their mailing list is not
ready. I get frustrated and push on them to do something. Perhaps
frustration with my own inability to get moving on some things.
Another dream about airplanes last night. Also about a horse we had
in Wyoming. I walk to the train station with Simone and tell her my
idea about common ownership of some property, like a house. She is
negative. Her last experience with such a group living situation did
not work out so well. Too many big ideas and not enough attention to
little details. She's right, but I keep leaping ahead to what might
be. Last night's bed conversation turns for just a moment to sleeping
with other people in our common house. It gets a little tense. I
mention Dana. He's not sleeping with me now, she says. He can't
manage it when I'm there. Better to let this one pass, and not push
on it. Two days in a row of writing something! I am getting all
excited about the seminar and have asked Joe to help me develop the
written material. He agrees, while speaking to him in Harvard Square.

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